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worryfree

Champion Author
Twin Cities

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 12:30:26 PM

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
REPLIES (newest first) Post a Reply
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I75at7AM
Champion Author Dayton

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Message Posted: Feb 25, 2014 1:50:53 PM

Angela needs a shave. And Bibi, didn't your mother teach you that it's not polite to point?

Maybe I should start one of my "Post a Cation For This Photo" threads.....
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worryfree
Champion Author Twin Cities

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Message Posted: Feb 23, 2014 11:37:30 PM


The problem with political jokes is they get elected.~Henry Cate, VII~ We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office~Aesop~ If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.~Will Rogers~ Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.~Nikita Khrushchev~
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I75at7AM
Champion Author Dayton

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Message Posted: Feb 21, 2014 1:25:44 PM

Be one of the first to hear as he answers the tough questions at a White House press briefing.
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ladidaCA
Champion Author Orange County

Posts:9,427
Points:1,536,445
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Message Posted: Feb 12, 2014 4:38:03 AM

For the mess that America is now in economically.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than 'Old Glory' are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.

Have a good day.
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 11, 2014 11:20:23 PM

An elderly conservative man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange,and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond ...'
.
.
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Be aware some conservative old men can still think fast.
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 11, 2014 11:11:53 PM

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
.
.
They voted for change......
.
.
I gave it to them.
.
.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

[Edited by: flyboyUT at 2/11/2014 11:15:35 PM EST]
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 11, 2014 11:09:44 PM

Here is one for the teachers among us----
.
.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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streetrider
Champion Author Gary

Posts:10,368
Points:150,495
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Feb 11, 2014 5:10:38 PM

Worryfree
thanks for the laugh.
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worryfree
Champion Author Twin Cities

Posts:27,236
Points:2,411,550
Joined:Oct 2005
Message Posted: Feb 11, 2014 1:55:28 PM

Recent Republican Presidential aspirants.
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maryanneusa
Champion Author Missouri

Posts:2,579
Points:492,460
Joined:Jun 2013
Message Posted: Feb 11, 2014 9:04:58 AM

Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President of America---
Great research work by a fine institution.OBAMA RATED 5th BEST PRESIDENT IN OUR HISTORYFrom a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama is rated as the 5th best.The A&M's Public Relations Office released this statement "After only 5
years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best
President ever."

These are the details according to Texas A&M:

1. Reagan & Lincoln tied for first ,

2. Twenty three presidents tied for second ,

3. Seventeen other presidents tied for third ,

4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth , and
5. Barack Obama came in fifth .

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NickHammer
Champion Author Maryland

Posts:19,601
Points:3,167,895
Joined:Aug 2005
Message Posted: Feb 11, 2014 9:01:27 AM

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asks the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:23,671
Points:3,770,165
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Feb 8, 2014 1:08:38 PM

Q. Why are politics and basketball similar?

A. Both teams try to get away with as much as possible while screaming that the other team is getting away with everything.
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

Posts:28,166
Points:1,523,635
Joined:Aug 2008
Message Posted: Feb 7, 2014 7:40:50 PM

What I if told you
you read the
first line wrong?
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2014 7:19:57 PM

WARNING: This topic is in danger of being moved to "Off Topic".
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2014 7:16:02 PM

I think every human should get a chance to read this.

"Dogs Welcome"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed
And very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.
And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2014 7:15:58 PM

One night, a local, prominent attorney was driving home along a road he knew well. When he reached the stop sign he slowed down but did not actually come to a halt, whereupon a police officer pulled the attorney's car over.

"What difference does it make", said the attorney, "slow down or stop".

"I will give you a demonstration" said the officer and starting beating the attorney with his billy club. "Now would you like me to slow down or stop?"
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2014 7:14:31 PM

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch in Wyoming.
She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years, Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day, when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," Edna explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies," Edna replied.
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2014 6:15:11 PM

ic

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again 'Came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant' Georgia On My Mind'replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck ,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'DUMB (*^(%)^&!'
Immediately the radio responded with, Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The United States
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

Posts:28,166
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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2014 6:11:10 PM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

Posts:28,166
Points:1,523,635
Joined:Aug 2008
Message Posted: Feb 7, 2014 6:04:58 PM

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Congress
was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Congress lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2014 5:59:58 PM

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
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jeskibuff
Champion Author Tampa

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Message Posted: Feb 6, 2014 10:18:11 PM

=============>INTERNET WARNING!<================

If you receive an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi", DON'T OPEN IT!

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi
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SemiSteve
Champion Author Tampa

Posts:19,305
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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 8:03:03 PM

Man that picture was a riot. I gotta get me a copy of that.
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Points:1,523,635
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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 7:35:51 PM

Hey I just finished watching "Blazing Saddles" on the 'puter... They wouldnt dare make a picture like that now - too much PC floating around.
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 7:34:52 PM

SE5 - you dont understand - them sharks were from that place south of Texas... They aint gots none o dat stuff.
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 7:16:34 PM

What does the NPR article have to do with humor? I laughed when I read it.

BTW, there are 173 lawyers.



[Edited by: SE3.5 at 2/5/2014 7:17:52 PM EST]
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 7:05:04 PM

"Of the 534 current members of the House and Senate, 268 had an average net worth of $1 million or more in 2012 – up from 257 members in 2011. The median net worth for members of the House and Senate was $1,008,767."

--NPR

Don't worry they understand YOU.
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SemiSteve
Champion Author Tampa

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 6:44:02 PM

LOL!

I was waiting for you or sgm to chime in with that, SE3.5
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 6:33:24 PM

Stupid joke flyboy. Everyone knows sharks don't eat lawyers--professional courtesy.
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SemiSteve
Champion Author Tampa

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 5:52:42 PM

dat war goud.

'cept make dat lass lie

'wit two'
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 5:42:16 PM

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa
night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit
a big frog in his mout. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so
he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be
real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed
him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed
and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.
But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in
his baitcan. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or his
gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of
his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some
draps into de snakes mouf.

Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back
to fishin'.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was, with two frogs



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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 5:40:33 PM

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 5:39:31 PM

SE3.5

There was an old guy from Texas who ran a fairly big spread.

He went to the seacoast once to look at the ocean. He saw something that just didnt make any sense. There was this line of people six abreast walking off the end of a mile long pier into the ocean. There was a whole grundle of sharks frothing up the water and feeding on those folks.

He stopped a guy and asked what was going on. The guy said not to worry those were just lawyers and wasnt it terrible and what do yo think about it. The old Texan said "Lawyers huh - what do I think --- Well sonny damn good start."
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SemiSteve
Champion Author Tampa

Posts:19,305
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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 3:43:35 PM

Maybe we should popularize a string of politician jokes...

That one about it being so cold would work better as that.

How cold was it in DC?

So cold that politicians were seen with their hands in their -own- pockets.
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IammeCA
Veteran Author Ventura

Posts:482
Points:179,725
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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 3:36:17 PM

This is a lawyer friend of mine's favorite lawyer joke.

Question:
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

Answer:
Both are highly competitive.

Both are extremely sensitive to changes in their surrounding environment.

Both have about a one in a billion chance of becoming a human being.
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worryfree
Champion Author Twin Cities

Posts:27,236
Points:2,411,550
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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 2:39:51 PM

Some good ones there Fly- I'll share them with my attorney daughter and brother...they will be irked to say the least.
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:23,671
Points:3,770,165
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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 2:03:29 PM

OK, flyboy. Now you are getting down right insulting. Lawsuit being filed. <<rimshot>>
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NickHammer
Champion Author Maryland

Posts:19,601
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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 1:57:22 PM

>>I bought a book on eBay called, "How To Scam People On eBay"......That was 2 months ago......and it hasn't arrived yet<<

And that's why you should never click on ads on the Daily Caller website. ;-)
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

Posts:28,166
Points:1,523,635
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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 1:25:53 PM

I bought a book on eBay called, "How To Scam People On eBay"......That was 2 months ago......and it hasn't arrived yet
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flyboyUT
Champion Author Utah

Posts:28,166
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Message Posted: Feb 5, 2014 12:52:43 PM

Worry - old joke but still good 'for all o that'...

I checked the weather back east - "Its so cold that ...that I saw a Democrat with his hands in his own pockets."
.
.
But some lawyer jokes--
.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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