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Author Topic: Laugh of the day Back to Topics
yourgas
Champion Author
Ontario

Posts:10,355
Points:1,890,935
Joined:Jan 2003
Message Posted: Jun 6, 2003 1:02:48 AM

Submit your story or joke of the day and give others a 'laugh of the day'

[Edited by: TB at 8/3/2005 1:23:29 PM EST]
REPLIES (newest first) Post a Reply
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 1, 2015 12:35:08 PM

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my ageing friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back"
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 27, 2015 12:31:47 PM


internet went down & i had to spend time with my family

They seem like good people ! !
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 27, 2015 5:45:41 AM



Pick a year and play a song
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 26, 2015 9:45:39 PM

If Adam & Eve would have been chinese we would all be in heaven because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple !
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 26, 2015 5:28:56 AM

I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
Trucky3212
Champion Author Missouri

Posts:1,810
Points:469,400
Joined:Jun 2008
Message Posted: Feb 24, 2015 8:24:52 AM

You got a bag-of-em Hamish....
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 24, 2015 5:51:23 AM

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:18,059
Points:3,010,490
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Feb 23, 2015 10:51:23 PM

God Created Canada

On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.
It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians??"

"Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the winters I'm going to give them!"
David H
Champion Author Albany

Posts:17,835
Points:3,365,045
Joined:Aug 2004
Message Posted: Feb 22, 2015 3:02:14 PM


Two bacteria walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Get out! We don't serve any bacteria in this bar."

The two bacteria replied, "Hey, but we work here. We're staph."
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 22, 2015 5:50:52 AM

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 20, 2015 5:49:09 AM

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:18,059
Points:3,010,490
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Feb 19, 2015 4:15:03 PM

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened, Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home, and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....

She never got your E-mail!"
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 18, 2015 9:07:13 AM

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 18, 2015 5:46:49 AM

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 17, 2015 5:19:47 AM

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 16, 2015 5:36:50 AM

What If Friends Episodes Were Set in Australia
.
.
.
01. The One Where They All Get Free Health Care
02. The One Where Monica Tries Goon
03. The One Where Joey Gets a Kangaroo
04. The One Where Ross Forgets His Sunscreen
05. The One With the Wombat
06. The One Where Rachel Forgets to Vote
07. The One Where Phoebe Goes to Bondi
08. The One When Chandler Goes to Bunnings
09. The One About AFL
10. The One Where Rachel and Ross Get Married in Canberra
11. The One With the Cricket Player
12. The One Where Everything Is Spiders
13. The One With the 30-Minute Time Difference
14. The One With the Huntsman
15. The One at Gloria Jeans
16. The One With the Big Banana
17. The One With the Drought
18. The One With the Rugby Players
19. The One Where Joey Gets Lost in the Bush
20. The One Where Joey and Chandler Go to Canberra
21. The One With the Shark
22. The One Where a Koala Pees on Monica
23. The One About Phoebe’s Day in Perth
24. The One With the Porn and Fireworks
25. The One Where Rachel Meets Hugh Jackman
26. The One Where Monica Kills a Cockroach
27. The One Where Monica Gets Stung by a Bluebottle
28. The One Where They Go on a Road Trip to Byron
29. The One Where They All Start Shredding for Stereo
30. The One Where They All Got Matching Southern Cross Tattoos
31. The One Where They All Learn the Nutbush
32. The One Where Ross Is Scared of Drop Bears
33. The One When Chandler Grew a Mullet
34. The One When Chandler Became Chazza
35. The One When Rachel Dates a Bogan
36. The One Where Ross Has a Gaytime
37. The One When Phoebe Gets a Commodore
38. The One on the Bridge
39. The One at the Rock
40. The One With the Countrylink Train
41. The One Where They All Go to Dubbo
42. The One Where Chandler Finds a Red Belly Black Snake
43. The One Where They All Played Goon of Fortue
44. The One With the Leadership Spill
45. The One When Monica Meets Guy Sebastian
46. The One With the Toilet Going the Other Way
47. The One Where Monica Tries to Watch Every Episode of “Neighbours”
48. The One Where Ross Goes on Deal or No Deal
49. The One With the Piss Up
50. The One Where They All Go to Sizzler
51. The One Where Rachel Drinks Omni
52. The One Where Chandler Is a Toolie
53. The One With the Maccas Run
54. The One With the 3am Kebabs
PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:18,059
Points:3,010,490
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Feb 15, 2015 11:43:04 AM

THE WITNESS :

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100 tip, in addition to the cab fare from the Toronto airport, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you!
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible!
HE paid for your Maple Leafs season tickets!
HE paid for your Argo season tickets!
HE paid for our cottage in the Muskoka’s!
HE paid for our speed boat!
HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!!!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold...

… and give him back the Leafs tickets!'

[Edited by: PnnyPnchr at 2/15/2015 11:45:04 AM EST]
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 15, 2015 6:00:14 AM

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:18,059
Points:3,010,490
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Feb 14, 2015 2:54:00 PM

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man.
Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,
thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go the man's eyes widen with shock. "Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had all my
life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the
Son of God.
"What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.

The Newfie shouts, "Please Jesus.....Please Don't touch me, I'm on Workers Compensation!"
Trucky3212
Champion Author Missouri

Posts:1,810
Points:469,400
Joined:Jun 2008
Message Posted: Feb 14, 2015 9:18:07 AM

Another good one Hamish.....
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 14, 2015 5:45:19 AM

19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 13, 2015 10:04:42 AM

Good One ecsojay keep them coming !
ecsojay
Veteran Author Tampa

Posts:469
Points:387,795
Joined:Mar 2014
Message Posted: Feb 13, 2015 3:15:54 AM

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said “No!”trying to hide his arousal.

She said ….. “Check the garage.”
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 12, 2015 9:52:50 AM

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
[]
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
(That women are going in the 'right' direction...?)
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 12, 2015 9:45:27 AM

Subject: Potentially or Realistically?

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 12, 2015 5:19:47 AM

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
"Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 11, 2015 5:47:21 AM



The Brady Bunch
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 10, 2015 11:53:52 PM

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 10, 2015 9:06:03 AM

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 10, 2015 5:50:29 AM

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail."
ecsojay
Veteran Author Tampa

Posts:469
Points:387,795
Joined:Mar 2014
Message Posted: Feb 10, 2015 2:28:12 AM

A blond has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probably be 5 pounds lighter."

The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds.

"That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?"

The blond nods, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" Asked her doctor.

"No, silly!!From the skipping!"
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 10, 2015 12:28:16 AM

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 10, 2015 12:12:49 AM

"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."
ecsojay
Veteran Author Tampa

Posts:469
Points:387,795
Joined:Mar 2014
Message Posted: Feb 9, 2015 12:53:33 AM

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 7, 2015 4:08:40 PM



Things to do without spending money
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 7, 2015 9:20:18 AM

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Winston Churchill
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 6, 2015 9:49:18 PM

Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and I think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 4, 2015 1:05:14 PM

What is Politics
.
.
.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
---Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
.
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".
---Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
.
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
---Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
.
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
---Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
.
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
---Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
.
We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
---Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
.
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
---Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
---Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM; I'm beginning to believe it.
---Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
---John Quinton, American actor/writer
.
What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
.
What happens if all of them drown? That is a solution .......!!!

ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 3, 2015 9:45:24 PM

The teacher was questioning children in myDublin Sunday school class,
> to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
>
> She asked them, If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale,
> and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
>
> 'NO!' the children answered.
>
> 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
> tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
>
> Again, the answer was 'NO!'
>
> 'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get
> me into heaven?'
>
> Again, they all answered 'NO!'
>
> I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
>
> A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
>
> Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 2, 2015 11:30:19 PM

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:

'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in DEATH.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 2, 2015 6:04:42 AM

Groundhog Day
.
.
I found Phil the groundhog, he was sitting at a bar,
Drinking early spring whiskey, cause today he is a star,
I went to sit beside him, but my shadow he did spot,
Now he's hiding in the washroom, under his Punxsutawney pot.
.
by Hamish
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 30, 2015 5:49:50 AM



DEAR KITTEN
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 28, 2015 10:39:12 PM




A CHURCH STORYA small church had a very attractive big busted organist,



and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.



Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.



They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.





So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem,



and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts,



which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons,



because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...



"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday"
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 28, 2015 5:39:50 AM

Thoughts Every Lady Who Shaves Her Legs Has Had
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01. I’m feeling a little prickly today! Guess it’s time to break out the old Venus Deluxe Divine Mango Goddess 4.0.
02. Shoot, I’m down to my last cartridge.
03. It’s a little dull and there are a couple errant hairs stuck in the blades, but desperate times, desperate measures.
04. Besides, if I buy new razor blades this month I’ll have to give up something equally expensive.
05. Like food.
06. I get that there are other injustices in the world but WHY have we not addressed the egregious cost of buying those shitty little plastic things? Do dudes have to pay that much? Would I save more by waxing, or Nair-ing, or getting super-high-tech laser hair removal, like added up over time? THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY THAN THIS.
07. Whatever, I have to leave in half an hour.
08. Into the shower I go.
09. OK, whoever designed this bathroom has obviously never shaved a leg nor probably seen a human body.
10. Maybe if I prop my leg here…
11. And kind of rotate my body 45 degrees…
12. Ow ow omg no ow.
13. Wait, I’m home alone right now. What if I slip and fall and get paralyzed and drown and nobody finds my body until I’m a decomposing mess?
14. A DECOMPOSING MESS WITH HAIRY LEGS.
15. Is this really worth it? Dying alone and damp, all for the sake of some patriarchally imposed smooth patches of skin?
16. Ugh, but it just feels so damn GOOD.
17. This’ll work if I just kind of get into that weird yoga pose I always fake my way through during class and like, don’t breathe.
18. According to ~every magazine~, at this point I’m supposed to exfoliate.
19. Whatever that means.
20. Mmmm, hurts so good.
21. I won’t rest until I’ve stripped away a full layer of skin.
22. Like a fancy rich lady in a mountain-top spa.
23. Time for shaving cream.
24. Show me the person who has ever correctly dispensed the appropriate amount of shaving cream on the first try and I will show you a goddamn genius.
25. One swipe…
26. Two swipes…
27. Thr— JESUS CHRIST THAT STINGS.
28. I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
29. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME.
30. HOW DO I CONTAIN SO MUCH BLOOD IN A SINGLE ANKLE AM I DYING.
31. Ughh OK I still have to do the other leg. Maybe in the meantime I’ll stop hemorrhaging so much?
32. That wasn’t so bad. No gaping wounds on this leg, at least.
33. Time to pat down and dry off.
34. Oh, great, now there’s blood all over my favorite towel. Magical.
35. Gotta lotion up to prevent scaley horrible lizard skin.
36. AAAAAND I forgot to shave a whole strip.
37. There is literally just a 2-inch-wide patch of fuzz all the way down my left leg.
38. Should I try to fix it?
39. And risk more carnage?
40. Nahh, too lazy.
41. Besides, the universe clearly loathes me anyway, so who am I to stand in its way.
42. Guess I’ll just get dressed.
43. Mmm, my legs feel so deliciously smoothy-smooth. (Apart from that one patch.)
44. Just gliding through fabric like a fish through water.
45. That’s a gross comparison.
46. Whatevs.
47. With my clean-shaven legs, I can take on the world!
48. I can strut down the sidewalk with the confidence of 10,000 supermodels!
49. I can make out with ANYONE I WANT.
50. Wait.
51. Is that…already…stubble?!

PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:18,059
Points:3,010,490
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Jan 26, 2015 3:41:12 PM

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in Wetaskiwin, Alberta who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby junior high schools. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Cold Lake prostitute who lives in Smokey Lake and is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel there.

My parents live in a suburb of Ponoka, and one of my sisters, who lives in Hobbema, is married to a Native transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana in Camrose, and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Calgary. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Drumheller for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his children in Bowden.

All things considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin, who is a Leafs fan???

Signed, John (name withheld to protect the family name)


[Edited by: PnnyPnchr at 1/26/2015 3:41:50 PM EST]
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 26, 2015 5:21:14 AM

The Zombie Tabernacle Choir
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Turn on your Sound and Click on a Zombie Head
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ZOMBIE CHOIR
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:568
Points:3,549,590
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 25, 2015 11:13:23 PM

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 25, 2015 5:38:51 AM

IF YOU ARE A CAR BUFF THIS IS EXTRAORDINARY....YOU WILL SPEND HOURS GOING OVER THIS..NO MATTER WHAT BRAND OF CAR YOU ENJOYED, IT'S REFERENCED IN THIS LINE UP.ONCE YOU START WATCHING THIS, IT IS LIKE A DRUG...A GOOD ONE...HAVE FUN...KEEP SMILING...
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Enjoy, click on the video camera next to each item to view.
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OLD CAR MOVIES

[Edited by: Hamish at 1/25/2015 5:40:14 AM EST]
Foolingurself
Veteran Author California

Posts:410
Points:120,505
Joined:Aug 2008
Message Posted: Jan 24, 2015 3:57:01 PM

Knock, knock…….Zzzz Zzzzz.
Babe4
Champion Author Flint

Posts:17,130
Points:3,254,285
Joined:Sep 2005
Message Posted: Jan 24, 2015 3:07:58 PM


For those in the path of the snow storm

2 feet of snow

[Edited by: Babe4 at 1/24/2015 3:12:18 PM EST]
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,263
Points:2,450,375
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 24, 2015 5:32:19 AM



Kwik Kwak Kar Wash
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