Not Logged In Log In   Sign Up   Points Leaders
Follow Us    11:15 AM

Message Forum - Read Message

Category: Off Topic > Topics Add to favorite topics   Post new topicPost New Topic
Author Topic: Laugh of the day Back to Topics
yourgas

Champion Author
Ontario

Posts:10,355
Points:1,887,785
Joined:Jan 2003
Message Posted: Jun 6, 2003 1:02:48 AM

Submit your story or joke of the day and give others a 'laugh of the day'

[Edited by: TB at 8/3/2005 1:23:29 PM EST]
REPLIES (newest first) Post a Reply
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Nov 21, 2014 6:07:40 AM

Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said,
"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said,
"No darling, he must pay for his mistake.
I am coming to live with you."
Profile Pic
CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:42,230
Points:3,834,455
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Nov 16, 2014 12:19:52 PM

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C) · Californians shiver uncontrollably. · Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) · Floridians buy down parkas and cry a lot... · Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C) · American water freezes · Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) · New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. · Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) · Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. · Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C) · Carbon dioxide freezes & makes dry ice. · Canadians pull down their earflaps & zip up their parka.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) · Ethyl alcohol freezes. · Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C) · Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. · Canadians start saying "pretty cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) · Hell freezes over. · The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
Profile Pic
Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:23,815
Points:1,995,075
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Nov 8, 2014 12:21:58 AM

Ss
Profile Pic
Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:23,815
Points:1,995,075
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Nov 8, 2014 12:21:49 AM

Ss
Profile Pic
Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:23,815
Points:1,995,075
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Nov 8, 2014 12:21:38 AM

Ss
Profile Pic
CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:42,230
Points:3,834,455
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Nov 7, 2014 9:07:36 AM


The bliss of anti-science
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Nov 7, 2014 5:34:15 AM

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home.
You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
Profile Pic
ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:498
Points:3,432,065
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Nov 5, 2014 10:55:18 PM

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
Profile Pic
ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:498
Points:3,432,065
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Nov 5, 2014 12:57:55 PM

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome ..
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David.

Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope.

He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David.

After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country”.

"This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross."

"In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Bernie, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Profile Pic
glorioussnookie
Champion Author Tennessee

Posts:5,690
Points:1,088,860
Joined:Feb 2010
Message Posted: Nov 2, 2014 8:25:06 AM

Last night we were supposed to turn our clocks back for the time change .

I tried turning my clocks back 20 years, gee It didn't work, I look the same and so does everything!! Will try again next year hehe!!!

Hope you have a splendid day and if you turned your clock back 20 years and it worked, let me know!!!

Hugs and TOL!!!!
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Oct 31, 2014 6:00:00 AM

Eating in the Fifties
.
.
.
Pasta had not been invented.
It was macaroni or spaghetti.
.
Curry was a surname.
.
A take-away was a mathematical problem.
.
Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.
.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
.
All chips were plain.
.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
.
Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.
.
None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
.
Cooking outside was called camping.
.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
.
'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.
.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
.
Prunes were medicinal.
.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available.
It was called cattle feed.
.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
.
Water came out of the tap.
If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it they would have become a laughing stock.
.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties...was elbows!
Profile Pic
Babe4
Champion Author Flint

Posts:16,446
Points:3,135,060
Joined:Sep 2005
Message Posted: Oct 30, 2014 1:57:46 PM

.
Is there sex after death?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and...
inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times...

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud of me I eat lots of green vegetables).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest
of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until
late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts
all over again."

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina ."

.
Profile Pic
ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:498
Points:3,432,065
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Oct 26, 2014 11:13:45 PM


The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman
asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
Profile Pic
ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:498
Points:3,432,065
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Oct 19, 2014 10:22:00 AM

good one WSpaceport, keep them comming !
Profile Pic
WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:16,208
Points:3,406,580
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Oct 17, 2014 9:56:21 AM

Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time."

So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time."

They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time."

So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?"

The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Oct 13, 2014 5:34:04 AM

CAPTCHA is an acronym for “Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart”
Profile Pic
PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:17,773
Points:2,935,495
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Oct 11, 2014 5:11:58 PM

OLD TIMERS BAR IN FLORIDA
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Lakeland, Florida.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.

They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Orlando," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, “They’re retired people from CANADA. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons..."
Profile Pic
Glasman
Champion Author South Carolina

Posts:11,566
Points:1,306,950
Joined:Nov 2006
Message Posted: Oct 11, 2014 1:44:57 PM

never underestimate stupid people in a large crowd...

Obozo was elected.......... TWICE.
Profile Pic
I75at7AM
Champion Author Dayton

Posts:74,224
Points:3,084,095
Joined:Feb 2006
Message Posted: Oct 11, 2014 8:43:04 AM

A Star Trek Conundrum
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
 
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
 
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
 
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
 
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because Star Trek takes place in the future."
 
Profile Pic
CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:19,164
Points:3,484,240
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Oct 10, 2014 1:32:26 PM

I went to Buffalo Wild Wings last night with some buds to watch the football game. We had a lot of beer and wings.

I didn't realize a lot of wings can leave you with such a tremendous headache the next day.
Profile Pic
CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:42,230
Points:3,834,455
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Oct 8, 2014 5:59:24 PM


A cop is sitting at the side of the road one day looking for speeders when he sees a panel van weaving down the road. He puts on his lights and siren and pulls the van over a little further down the road.

"Morning, sir. I noticed you weaving all over the road there. What's the problem?"

"Sorry about that, officer. It's penguins."

"Penguins?"

"Yes, penguins. Lots of them, in the back."

They walk round to the back of the van, the man opens the door and it's full of penguins bouncing angrily around in the back. "You see, I won them in a poker game last night and now I don't really know what to do with them. They don't seem very happy in here."

"No sir, I can imagine they wouldn't be. My advice would be to take them to the zoo."

"That's good advice, officer. I'll go there right away."

The following morning, the cop is sitting in the same place when he sees the same van weaving down the road again. On go the lights and siren, and he pulls the van over again.

"Morning, sir. Let me guess. Penguins, right?"

"Yes officer, I'm afraid so."

"Show me."

The man opens up the back door and sure enough it's full of penguins, although this time they all appear to be wearing sunglasses and kicking plastic buckets around.

"I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?"

"I did officer, but today they want to go to the beach."
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Oct 7, 2014 5:47:35 AM

Google has a semi-secret facility known as Google X dedicated to making major technological advancements.
.
Cuddling releases oxytocin, known as the “feel good” hormone. It increases happiness levels and relieves stress.
.
All the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” read 4:20.
.
A duel between three people is called a “truel.”
.
Bubble wrap was originally supposed to be used as wallpaper.
.
Where the Wild Things Are was originally “Where the Wild Horses Are” before author Maurice Sendak realized he didn’t know how to draw horses.
.
Penguins can drink salt water because they have a supraorbital gland, which lets them filtrate the salt from the water.
.
In 1778 George Washington celebrated Independence day by giving his soldiers a double ration of rum.
.
A 80 year old Russian man once fought a bear with a flurry of punches, kicks, and headbutts before the bear threw him off of a cliff. He survived.
.
Shanghai’s population is 24 million, more than the entire population of Australia, packed into a city half the size of Sydney.
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Oct 4, 2014 6:51:01 AM

Johnny Depp plans on having his cremated remains poured into a cask of whiskey, and requests every attendee at his funeral to take a sip.
.
Pirates wore eye patches to have one eye adjusted for the top deck and the other already adjusted for the darkness when going below deck.
.
There are 7 different kinds of twins: Identical, Fraternal, Half-Identical, Mirror Image, Mixed Chromosome, Superfecundation, Superfetation
.
Angelina Jolie admitted that she still has a pair of Maleficent’s horns at home.
.
Bees don’t hibernate in the winter. Instead they form a ball in their hives and vibrate to keep warm.
.
Warm colors such as yellow, orange and red make you hungry & more relaxed - Which is why many fast food restaurants are yellow, orange and red.
.
LEGO is the world’s number one tire manufacturer. They produce over 306 million tiny tires in a year.
.
The creator of Pringles chips was buried in a Pringles can.
.
Charlize Theron’s alcoholic father threatened her and her mother while drunk, her mother shot and killed him, and was cleared of all charges
.
Each year Canada Post receives a million letters addressed to “Santa Claus, The North Pole, H0H 0H0”. They reply to every one.
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Sep 25, 2014 5:38:35 AM



CATS
Profile Pic
CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:19,164
Points:3,484,240
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Sep 23, 2014 2:25:04 PM

Two guys are at the backyard fence arguing back and forth.

"Mine's bigger than yours!"

"No it isn't, mine's bigger!"

"Well, let's just get the tape measures out and check 'em!"

You know they were talking about the size of their decks.
Profile Pic
ladidaCA
Champion Author Orange County

Posts:9,627
Points:1,582,820
Joined:Sep 2010
Message Posted: Sep 23, 2014 7:16:22 AM

HUH?

Quote of the day, no, of the week, make that a month. Yet it probably is quote of the year ! No. DECADE. Wait a minute. It's the greatest quote ever !“My accomplishments as Secretary of State? Well, I'm glad you asked! My proudest accomplishment in which I take the most pride, mostly because of the opposition it faced early on, you know… the remnants of prior situations and mindsets that were too narrowly focused in a manner whereby they may have overlooked the bigger picture and we didn’t do that and I’m proud of that. Very proud. I would say that’s a major accomplishment.”

- Hillary Clinton 11 March 2014Could someone please tell me what the h!!l she just said? And she may be running for President
Profile Pic
jdhelm
Champion Author Iowa

Posts:16,425
Points:1,838,890
Joined:Dec 2009
Message Posted: Sep 22, 2014 1:13:30 PM

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
Profile Pic
SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:24,239
Points:3,816,640
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Sep 22, 2014 8:26:29 AM

If we all think "outside the box", aren't we just thinking inside a bigger box?
Profile Pic
ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:498
Points:3,432,065
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Sep 21, 2014 12:16:00 AM


On average, a Canadian man will have sex two to three times a week;

whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

This is upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.
Profile Pic
CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:42,230
Points:3,834,455
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Sep 9, 2014 9:16:54 PM


I got in touch with my inner self today.
.
.
.
I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.
Profile Pic
WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:16,208
Points:3,406,580
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Sep 9, 2014 12:05:38 AM

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Sep 7, 2014 6:32:30 AM

Facts You Probably Didn’t Know About "The Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy
.
.
.
01. Nicolas Cage passed up the role of Aragorn because of “family obligations.”
02. Daniel Day-Lewis also turned down the role multiple times.
03. The same fight choreographer and fencer who worked on Lord of the Rings also worked on The Parent Trap and Star Wars.
04. And he said that Viggo Mortensen was “the best swordsman [he] ever trained.”
05. Mortensen did all of his own stunts and used a real steel sword while filming, rather than one made from aluminum and rubber like the rest of the cast.
06. Sean Connery was originally offered the role of Gandalf, but had never read the books and “didn’t understand the script.”
07. Connery was offered up to 15% of the film’s total box office receipts, which would have been about $400 million (more than any other actor has ever been paid for a single role).
08. Bret McKenzie, of Flight of the Conchords, played an unnamed elf in two of the films. Fans named his character Figwit, which stands for “Frodo Is Great…Who Is That?” He even has his own documentary.
09. Sean Bean is afraid of riding in helicopters, so he chose to take a ski lift in full Boromir costume and then walk the rest of the way to the set.
10. J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis had a tumultuous friendship in real life.
11. Tolkien typed all 1,200 pages of The Lord of the Rings with two fingers.
12. Samwise Gamgee’s daughter in The Return of the King is played by his real-life daughter, Alexandra.
13. Peter Jackson’s daughter has multiple cameos throughout the movies, such as a young Hobbit, a Helm’s Deep refugee, and a child in Minas Tirith.
14. Tolkien’s daughter has said she believes her father’s description of the Dead Marshes is actually a description of his experience in World War I.
15. Tolkien’s gravestone is engraved with “Beren,” and his wife’s with “Luthien,” after the love story of the mortal man and immortal elf-maiden.
16. Freshmen at University of California, Irvine, can opt to live in a dorm named Middle Earth, where the halls are named after towns or regions from Lord of the Rings.
17. John-Rhys Davies, the actor who plays Gimli, is also the voice of Man Ray on Spongebob Squarepants.
18. Merry was originally called “Marmaduke Brandybuck,” but thankfully Tolkein changed it.
19. In The Fellowship of the Ring, when Gandalf had his big standoff scene with the Balrog, Ian McKellen was actually acting to a ping pong ball.
20. The mountains on Titan, Saturn’s moon, are named in honor of Tolkien’s work.
21. Back in the ’60s, the Beatles wanted to make a movie adaptation of Lord of the Rings, with Stanley Kubrick directing, but Tolkien killed the project.
22. Christopher Lee, the actor who plays Saruman, has recorded and released several metal albums. Including a Christmas album.
23. He’s also the only cast member to have met Tolkien. He met him by chance at a bar in Oxford.
24. Tolkien believed Sam was the “chief hero” of the story.
25. The queen of Denmark illustrated the Danish edition of The Lord of The Rings under the pseudonym Ingahild Grathmer.
26. While filming a fight scene, Viggo Mortensen chipped a tooth, went to the dentist during his lunch break, and then started shooting again the same day.
27. The Nazgul’s screeches were made by sound technicians scraping Target plastic cups together.
28. Ian McKellen and Elijah Wood never actually filmed a scene together in person.
29. If you stood all the chain mail made for the movie adaptations side by side, it would stretch more than 6 miles.
30. Andy Serkis said he based Gollum’s desperation and cravings on the withdrawal of heroin addicts.
31. The Battle of Helm’s Deep (The Battle of the Hornburg) took four months to shoot, all of it at night.
32. Tolkien sold the film rights to The Lord of the Rings in 1969 for £10,000.
33. About 18,000 costumes were created from scratch for the film’s trilogy, and between 30 and 40 of the same costume were created for each main character.
34. The Return of the King holds the record for highest movie body count, tallying in at 836 (not including animals).

Profile Pic
WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:16,208
Points:3,406,580
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Sep 3, 2014 8:20:57 PM

There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better.

The first blonde takes the radio and says, "If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music."

The second blonde decides to take a wheel, "In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled."

The third blonde takes the car door, "In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!"
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 31, 2014 5:54:12 AM

Cat Laws
.
.
.
Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
.
Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
.
Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
.
Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
.
Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
.
Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
.
Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
.
Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
.
Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for him to do something.
.
First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
.
Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
.
Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
.
Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
.
Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
.
Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
.
Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
.
Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
.
Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
.
Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
.
Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn’t Matter.

Profile Pic
PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:17,773
Points:2,935,495
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Aug 27, 2014 12:46:33 PM

Golf Hustler:

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 27, 2014 6:28:27 AM

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,
A passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, ..........
Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
Profile Pic
ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:498
Points:3,432,065
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Aug 25, 2014 10:38:36 AM

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,
so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you !
Profile Pic
ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:498
Points:3,432,065
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Aug 24, 2014 10:05:58 PM

Dear Mother-in-law,

"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement."
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 13, 2014 7:04:55 AM

Myths About Introverts
.
.
.
Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true.
Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say.
They hate small talk.
Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert.
Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people.
What they need is a reason to interact.
They don’t interact for the sake of interacting.
If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking.
Don’t worry about being polite.
.
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries.
They want everyone to just be real and honest.
Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
.
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have.
They can count their close friends on one hand.
If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life.
Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
.
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense.
Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG.
They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities.
They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.”
They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all.
In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
.
Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts.
They think a lot.
They daydream.
They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve.
But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with.
They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
.
Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists.
They don’t follow the crowd.
They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living.
They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm.
They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
.
Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions.
It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
.
Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places.
Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies.
If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down.
Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine.
Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways.
Just look it up.
.
Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers.
That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts.
(Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.)
Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race.
In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 6, 2014 6:45:29 AM

The Train of Life
.
.
At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side; however, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.
As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of your life.
Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum.
Others will go so unnoticed that we do not realize that they vacated their seats.
This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells.
Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.
The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down.
So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are.
It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life.
Reap success and give lots of love.
More importantly, thank you for being one of the passengers on my train.
Profile Pic
wattie
Champion Author Chicago

Posts:29,124
Points:3,953,710
Joined:Mar 2004
Message Posted: Aug 5, 2014 11:57:56 PM

3,783
Profile Pic
aubelis
Champion Author South Carolina

Posts:5,481
Points:1,111,155
Joined:Aug 2008
Message Posted: Aug 5, 2014 7:56:46 AM

Thx for the old timers test - heading to annual physical and did it under 4 mins
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 4, 2014 5:31:58 AM

What Facebook Knows About You
.
.
01. Your full name.
02. Your birthday.
03.Your religious views.
04. Your political views.
05. Languages you speak.
06. Your screen name (lol).
07. Your cell phone number.
08. Your favorite quotations.
09. Access to all the contacts inside your personal email account.
10. Your picture, personal photo albums.
11. Your high school.
12. What year you graduated high school.
13. If you didn’t graduate high school.
14. Your hometown.
15. Your college.
16. What year you graduated college.
17. If you didn’t graduate college.
18. Your employer.
19. Your past employers.
20. When you got engaged.
21. When you got married.
22. When you got divorced.
23. When you broke up.
24. When you were in an open relationship.
25. When it was “complicated.”
26. Your current location.
27. Your exact residence/address.
28. Any personal website you’ve ever made.
29. Your past and present relationships.
30. Your family members.
31. Movies you’ve watched.
32. Movies you’d like to watch.
33. TV shows you’ve watched.
34. TV shows you’d like to watch.
35. Books you’d like to read.
36. Books you’ve read.
37. Places you’ve visited.
38. Your favorite public figures.
39. Your favorite actors/directors.
40. Your favorite bands/musicians.
41. Your favorite TV shows.
42. Your favorite books.
43. Your favorite movies.
44. Your favorite news sources.
45. Your favorite “inspirational people.”
46. Your favorite restaurants.
47. Your favorite foods.
48. Your favorite websites.
49. Your favorite athletes.
50 .Your favorite sports teams.
51. Your favorite clothing.
52. Your favorite “interests and activities.”
53. How many steps you’ve taken that day (via Moves).
54. Number of calories you’ve burned.
55. If you ran and how far/how long (via Moves).
56. If you biked and how far/how long (via Moves).
57. If you’ve been training at the gym “and over 60 other activities by duration” (via Moves).
58. The real-time location of you and your friends that have opted-into “Nearby Friends” (via nearby friends).
59. What TV show you’re currently listening to while typing out a status update on Facebook’s mobile app if you’ve opted-in to Facebook’s new status update listening tool.
60. What song you’re currently listening to while typing out a status update on Facebook’s mobile app if you’ve opted-in to Facebook’s new status update listening tool.
61. Anything your phone records within 15 seconds of you typing out a status update.
62. What you’re doing inside the apps you authenticate using Facebook Connect.
63. What your face looks like, now and forever.
64. Who and what you’ve texted (via WhatsApp/Messenger).
65. The people you search for.
66. The places you search for.
67. The friends you search for most.
68. The people you’re most likely to be in a picture with.
69. Who your best friend most likely is based on how many photos you appear in together
70. What parties you attended.
72. What events you attended.
73. What pages you like.
74. What pages you created.
75. What groups you’re in.
76. What groups you created.
77. What ads you click on.
78. What other sites you’re on.
79. What “People You May Like.”
80. And our personal favorite: “Write About Yourself.”

Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 30, 2014 5:37:44 AM

Moving Puzzle
.
.
.
If you can put this puzzle together, you can say goodbye to Alzheimer's!
This is really clever and a bit challenging.
As we older people are concerned with Alzheimer's disease, this puzzle may help dispel some fear.
It's easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease.
Give it a try.
If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you, then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's.
Just remember, if you can put this puzzle together, you do not have to fear Alzheimer's!
A really neat puzzle!!
.
.
Take the Test
.
.
.
.
.
Profile Pic
David H
Champion Author Albany

Posts:17,338
Points:3,268,340
Joined:Aug 2004
Message Posted: Jul 26, 2014 3:52:08 PM


Neighbors

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings.
Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
She says, “Do we have a deal if I turn around first?”
He says, “No.”
She says, “At least, let this be our little secret.”
Says he, “You’ve got a deal.”
After thinking for a moment and checking for passersby and seeing none, the woman slowly and still reluctantly drops her towel and stands naked in front of him, making no attempt to cover herself.
He looks for a few seconds, gives her $500 dollars, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs.
Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"
.
Profile Pic
DRIVESFAST
Champion Author San Bernardino

Posts:20,640
Points:3,957,750
Joined:Mar 2004
Message Posted: Jul 25, 2014 5:58:41 AM

Do you think politicians behinds are jealous of their mouths with all the crap that comes out of them?
Profile Pic
DRIVESFAST
Champion Author San Bernardino

Posts:20,640
Points:3,957,750
Joined:Mar 2004
Message Posted: Jul 25, 2014 5:54:11 AM

I had given up of golf, but decided to play a round the other day.

I was four under.

One under a tree, one under a rock, one under a bush and one underwater.
Profile Pic
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,777
Points:2,428,295
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 24, 2014 5:27:53 AM

Cat Quotes
.
.
"You can't help that. We're all mad here." - The Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland
.
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
.
"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain
.
"With their qualities of cleanliness, discretion, affection, patience, dignity, and courage, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats?" - Fernand Mery Her Majesty the Cat
.
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
.
Actually, cats do this to protect you from gnomes who come and steal your breath while you sleep. - John Dobbin
.
Don't think that I'm silly for liking it, I just happen to like the simple little things, and I love cats! - Michelle Gardner
.
Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, whiz on your owner. - Gary Smith
.
Fans think they want to see more than the 10 to 20 seconds of Itchy and Scratchy that we put on the show, but my feeling is less is more. Once you've skinned and flayed a cat, ripped his head off, made him drink acid and tied his tongue to the moon, there really isn't that much to say. - Matt Groening, 1993
.
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. - Pablo Picasso
.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Winston Churchill
.
I'm aloof, I like to run around outside, but I also like to curl up in warm spots. I eat fish. - Megan Coughlin on why she'd make a good cat
.
The naming of cats is a difficult matter. It isn't just one of your holiday games. You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter. When I tell you a cat must have three different names... - T.S. Eliot
.
The sun rose slowly, like a fiery furball coughed up uneasily onto a sky-blue carpet by a giant unseen cat. - Michael McGarel
.
We need a word for all the kitty-prints that are all over my windshield because the cats like to lie on my hood when the car is still warm. - Megan Coughlin
.
When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her? - Montaigne
.
You can visualize a hundred cats. Beyond that, you can't. Two hundred, five hundred, it all looks the same. - Jack Wright (of Kingston, Ontario, the Guinness Book record holder for the owner of the most cats at one time [689])
.
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. - Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
.
"After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference."- Charlotte Gray
Profile Pic
SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:24,239
Points:3,816,640
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jul 21, 2014 4:20:48 PM

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church, and The Jewish Synagogue. Each was overrun with pesky squirrels.

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. They determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's will.

The Baptist Church squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow, and there were twice as many the next week.

The Methodist Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

Profile Pic
six_ball_man
Champion Author Rochester

Posts:11,421
Points:2,012,520
Joined:Oct 2007
Message Posted: Jul 20, 2014 7:10:22 AM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Post a reply Back to Topics