Phynque
Champion Author
Wisconsin
Posts:18,101
Points:2,926,535
Joined:Feb 2005
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Message Posted: May 25, 2013 1:40:44 AM
Thanks CheePio...
I don't think you have posted this before, because I have told the exact same story every time at the past five retiree gathering meetings of my former employer, and it has been greeted with the same thundering round of laughter....
So they couldn't possibly have heard it before!
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: May 24, 2013 10:07:06 AM
There are three sure signs of old age--one is memory loss.
I forget what the other two are.
Have I posted this previously?
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David H
Champion Author
Albany
Posts:14,521
Points:2,798,490
Joined:Aug 2004
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Message Posted: May 24, 2013 8:56:41 AM
Four Surgeons
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded."
"You're all wrong," said the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and asses are interchangeable."
.
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snappyray09
Champion Author
Arkansas
Posts:26,443
Points:1,339,850
Joined:Sep 2009
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Message Posted: May 22, 2013 1:41:03 AM
How do you know when gas is too high ?
When a full tank of gas is worth more then your CAR.
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CookieAcct
Champion Author
London
Posts:33,847
Points:3,190,980
Joined:May 2004
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Message Posted: May 20, 2013 1:30:33 PM
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
~ Fred Allen
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CookieAcct
Champion Author
London
Posts:33,847
Points:3,190,980
Joined:May 2004
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Message Posted: May 17, 2013 10:46:58 AM
25 Funniest/Worst Analogies Ever Written
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up
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David H
Champion Author
Albany
Posts:14,521
Points:2,798,490
Joined:Aug 2004
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Message Posted: May 15, 2013 1:27:51 PM
A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"
Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"
His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."
.
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snappyray09
Champion Author
Arkansas
Posts:26,443
Points:1,339,850
Joined:Sep 2009
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Message Posted: May 10, 2013 7:07:44 PM
Our society is doomed..............
IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS
IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
They walk among us......and they VOTE.
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ma-bell
Veteran Author
Manitoba
Posts:367
Points:2,838,095
Joined:Jun 2002
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Message Posted: May 10, 2013 9:56:17 AM
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy
looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "
and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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David H
Champion Author
Albany
Posts:14,521
Points:2,798,490
Joined:Aug 2004
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Message Posted: May 10, 2013 8:04:44 AM
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
.
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snappyray09
Champion Author
Arkansas
Posts:26,443
Points:1,339,850
Joined:Sep 2009
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Message Posted: May 6, 2013 12:36:06 PM
God is Awesome.............
A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication,
got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
She found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man was wearing an old biker skull rag.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
Is GOD Good or What!?
Think I will go ride my MOTORCYCLE this afternoon again for awhile.
"Have a great day,unless you have other plans."
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CookieAcct
Champion Author
London
Posts:33,847
Points:3,190,980
Joined:May 2004
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Message Posted: May 5, 2013 7:46:19 AM
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine………
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
“Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.
“Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”
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snappyray09
Champion Author
Arkansas
Posts:26,443
Points:1,339,850
Joined:Sep 2009
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Message Posted: May 4, 2013 2:46:06 AM
JUST had to share this one with my friends.
MAN RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
Hope everyone enjoyed this a little.
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Hamish
Champion Author
Ontario
Posts:21,918
Points:2,320,920
Joined:May 2003
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Message Posted: May 2, 2013 11:34:01 AM
Another Government Study
.
They found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Harriston and Palmerston and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
They had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. (Didn't know there was a difference!)
The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a lookoutcrow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”,
But could not say “Truck”.
.
I just wanted to make sure that you knew that your tax dollars were being wisely spent.
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David H
Champion Author
Albany
Posts:14,521
Points:2,798,490
Joined:Aug 2004
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Message Posted: Apr 30, 2013 9:10:20 AM
Two men bump into each other in the supermarket.
The first one says, distraught, "I'm sorry, but I'm completely flustered; I'm looking for my wife!"
The second replies "Me too; I've been looking for 30 minutes."
"What does yours look like?"
"Mine has long black hair, 5'11", tan, busty, thin, has a super-short miniskirt on, a tight white top and no bra, and high heels. What does yours look like?"
"Forget her; let's look for yours!"
.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 28, 2013 1:31:32 PM
Did you hear about the sumo wrestler who got mad at Honda?
He decided to throw a Fit!
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 28, 2013 1:30:39 PM
I ran a 5K yesterday. Pulled a muscle in my back, got shin splints, and 4 huge blisters on my feet.
Isn't being physically fit wonderful?
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WSpaceport
Champion Author
California
Posts:13,884
Points:2,816,240
Joined:Mar 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 27, 2013 5:19:06 PM
Sally: Why did you quit your job at the coffee shop?
Sue: Every day it was the same old grind...
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 27, 2013 9:28:07 AM
Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Always hold hands, if you let go she will shop!
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David H
Champion Author
Albany
Posts:14,521
Points:2,798,490
Joined:Aug 2004
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Message Posted: Apr 26, 2013 9:17:23 AM
A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains and they're low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, "Is there food around here?"
He says, "Well, I don't know, but I tell you, I wouldn't go that way — there's a big bacon tree over that hill."
"A bacon tree?"
"Yeah, so I wouldn't go that way."
The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them so they went over the hill and over the next hill and a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner except for the leader who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, "There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive."
The Norwegian said, "Vait a minute." He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, "Oh, it wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush."
.
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WSpaceport
Champion Author
California
Posts:13,884
Points:2,816,240
Joined:Mar 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 24, 2013 12:09:23 PM
The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news..., and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 24, 2013 10:12:22 AM
I ran my debit card through the time clock by mistake this morning, it added 9.00 to the account.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 24, 2013 10:09:34 AM
I figured out why men shouldn't use their wives' body wash--it says right on the label "Soft All Day". (and probably all night if you shower after work)!
Fortunately, there's an antidote--It's called "Mountin' Water", but I don't know if you're supposed to drink it or wash with it.
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snappyray09
Champion Author
Arkansas
Posts:26,443
Points:1,339,850
Joined:Sep 2009
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Message Posted: Apr 24, 2013 2:36:11 AM
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 22, 2013 9:47:52 AM
I hear North Korea had to delay their latest rocket launch yet again.
They had to find a new flint for their Bic.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 22, 2013 9:38:23 AM
Today is Earth Day.
Only one thing I can say about that.
"Eat Dirt".
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chocolateflash
Champion Author
San Diego
Posts:14,709
Points:2,688,520
Joined:Apr 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 21, 2013 4:15:16 PM
Hear about the circus fire?
The heat was intense.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 21, 2013 12:13:10 PM
I hear North Korea had to delay their latest missle launch--Windows Vista locked up again.
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MrGasGuy
Champion Author
Twin Cities
Posts:28,860
Points:3,849,525
Joined:Dec 2001
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Message Posted: Apr 19, 2013 7:32:44 AM
...... aaarrrrgghhhh ...
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SE3.5
Champion Author
Indianapolis
Posts:17,029
Points:3,167,465
Joined:May 2004
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Message Posted: Apr 18, 2013 2:52:53 PM
Make sure you borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 17, 2013 11:22:57 AM
You know how they have ladies panties bundled--regular $9.50ea, now 3 for $21? Is this how they get their panties in a bunch?
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SE3.5
Champion Author
Indianapolis
Posts:17,029
Points:3,167,465
Joined:May 2004
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Message Posted: Apr 15, 2013 4:28:38 PM
Two blondes, Judy and Cindy, were walking down the street. Judy saw a compact on the sidewalk and bent down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Cindy said, "Let me look." So Judy handed it to her. Cindy looked in the mirror, then said to Judy, "You dummy--that's me!
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Hamish
Champion Author
Ontario
Posts:21,918
Points:2,320,920
Joined:May 2003
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Message Posted: Apr 14, 2013 3:36:54 PM
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat.
"What a shameful disgrace, a Protestant Reverend sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that, Darby?", Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief.
"Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?
I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days.
A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh.
Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Darby, look!" Said Pat removing his cap, "One o' the poor girls musta died!"
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 14, 2013 8:54:39 AM
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Johnny Carson
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WSpaceport
Champion Author
California
Posts:13,884
Points:2,816,240
Joined:Mar 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 14, 2013 12:51:59 AM
What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?
"This tastes funny!"
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 12, 2013 7:19:46 PM
If the restaurant sign says, "Shirt and Shoes Must Be Worn", does that mean they won't let you in if they are new?
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joshou
Sophomore Author
Iowa
Posts:116
Points:93,880
Joined:Feb 2012
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Message Posted: Apr 12, 2013 9:18:38 AM
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall!
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joshou
Sophomore Author
Iowa
Posts:116
Points:93,880
Joined:Feb 2012
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Message Posted: Apr 12, 2013 9:11:21 AM
If you want me to go running with you, I’m going to need some motivation…Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
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joshou
Sophomore Author
Iowa
Posts:116
Points:93,880
Joined:Feb 2012
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Message Posted: Apr 12, 2013 9:01:54 AM
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike!
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joshou
Sophomore Author
Iowa
Posts:116
Points:93,880
Joined:Feb 2012
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Message Posted: Apr 12, 2013 9:00:54 AM
Is corn the only food thats delicious after it explodes??
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joshou
Sophomore Author
Iowa
Posts:116
Points:93,880
Joined:Feb 2012
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Message Posted: Apr 12, 2013 8:55:48 AM
Considering that Iron Man and Batman's only real superpower was being super rich and smart... Bill Gates turned out to be a real disappointment..
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TexasFight
Champion Author
Austin
Posts:12,525
Points:2,574,955
Joined:Sep 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 11, 2013 12:03:54 PM
Things Not To Say at a Job Interview
• Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
• While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
• Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
• She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about he job, like nothing had happened.
• Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
• Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
• Brought her large dog to the interview.
• Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
• Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
• She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.
• Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
• Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
• Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.
• Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
• Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
• Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
• Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
• When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
• Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
• Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
• Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
• Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
• Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
• During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
• A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
• An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
• His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
• He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
• He took off his right shoe and sock, opened a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
• Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
• He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
• Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
• Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
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Hamish
Champion Author
Ontario
Posts:21,918
Points:2,320,920
Joined:May 2003
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Message Posted: Apr 10, 2013 8:28:09 AM
TIPS FOR A BETTER LIFE
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Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
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Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
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Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
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When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, ‘My purpose is to __________ today.’
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Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
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Play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.
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Make time to practice meditation, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
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Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
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Dream more while you are awake.
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Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
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Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
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Try to make at least three people smile each day.
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Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
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Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, OR issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
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Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
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Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
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Smile and laugh more. It will keep the nagative blues away.
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Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
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Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
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Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
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You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
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Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
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Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
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No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
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Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’
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Forgive everyone for everything.
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What other people think of you is none of your business.
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Remember God heals everything.
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However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
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Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
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Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
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Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
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The best is yet to come.
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No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
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Do the right thing!
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Call your family often.
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Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for _______. Today I accomplished ____.
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Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
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Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don’t want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.
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Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can’t change.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 9, 2013 5:27:54 PM
I recently went to the doctor and he pointed this device in my ear and it beeped and it said "99". I didn't know they could measure IQ that way.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 9, 2013 5:25:47 PM
Most every sentence you utter has a "sexual meaning", if you think long and hard about it.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,948
Points:2,835,065
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Apr 9, 2013 5:23:42 PM
This restaurant I know offers a regular and a diet menu...the items are identical, but you have to eat the diet plate with your hands tied behind your back.
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David H
Champion Author
Albany
Posts:14,521
Points:2,798,490
Joined:Aug 2004
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Message Posted: Apr 9, 2013 9:37:15 AM
Here's a tongue-in-cheek essay that might give you a chuckle:
" Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device...
otherwise known as the BOOK.
It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a DVD.
Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain! (Talk about state-of-the-art!). A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.
Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL]."
Author unknown
.
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joshou
Sophomore Author
Iowa
Posts:116
Points:93,880
Joined:Feb 2012
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Message Posted: Apr 8, 2013 5:34:07 PM
...I started to wonder why the frisbee kept getting bigger.... Then all of a sudden it hit me
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joshou
Sophomore Author
Iowa
Posts:116
Points:93,880
Joined:Feb 2012
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Message Posted: Apr 8, 2013 4:33:50 PM
Easter egg hiding tip: most kids aren't allowed on the roof...
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joshou
Sophomore Author
Iowa
Posts:116
Points:93,880
Joined:Feb 2012
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Message Posted: Apr 8, 2013 4:28:36 PM
Dear Mario, I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend…you owe me.
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