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Author Topic: Laugh of the day Back to Topics

Champion Author

Joined:Jan 2003
Message Posted: Jun 6, 2003 1:02:48 AM

Submit your story or joke of the day and give others a 'laugh of the day'

[Edited by: TB at 8/3/2005 1:23:29 PM EST]
REPLIES (newest first) Post a Reply
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Champion Author London

Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Sep 9, 2014 9:16:54 PM

I got in touch with my inner self today.
I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.
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Champion Author California

Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Sep 9, 2014 12:05:38 AM

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Sep 7, 2014 6:32:30 AM

Facts You Probably Didn’t Know About "The Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy
01. Nicolas Cage passed up the role of Aragorn because of “family obligations.”
02. Daniel Day-Lewis also turned down the role multiple times.
03. The same fight choreographer and fencer who worked on Lord of the Rings also worked on The Parent Trap and Star Wars.
04. And he said that Viggo Mortensen was “the best swordsman [he] ever trained.”
05. Mortensen did all of his own stunts and used a real steel sword while filming, rather than one made from aluminum and rubber like the rest of the cast.
06. Sean Connery was originally offered the role of Gandalf, but had never read the books and “didn’t understand the script.”
07. Connery was offered up to 15% of the film’s total box office receipts, which would have been about $400 million (more than any other actor has ever been paid for a single role).
08. Bret McKenzie, of Flight of the Conchords, played an unnamed elf in two of the films. Fans named his character Figwit, which stands for “Frodo Is Great…Who Is That?” He even has his own documentary.
09. Sean Bean is afraid of riding in helicopters, so he chose to take a ski lift in full Boromir costume and then walk the rest of the way to the set.
10. J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis had a tumultuous friendship in real life.
11. Tolkien typed all 1,200 pages of The Lord of the Rings with two fingers.
12. Samwise Gamgee’s daughter in The Return of the King is played by his real-life daughter, Alexandra.
13. Peter Jackson’s daughter has multiple cameos throughout the movies, such as a young Hobbit, a Helm’s Deep refugee, and a child in Minas Tirith.
14. Tolkien’s daughter has said she believes her father’s description of the Dead Marshes is actually a description of his experience in World War I.
15. Tolkien’s gravestone is engraved with “Beren,” and his wife’s with “Luthien,” after the love story of the mortal man and immortal elf-maiden.
16. Freshmen at University of California, Irvine, can opt to live in a dorm named Middle Earth, where the halls are named after towns or regions from Lord of the Rings.
17. John-Rhys Davies, the actor who plays Gimli, is also the voice of Man Ray on Spongebob Squarepants.
18. Merry was originally called “Marmaduke Brandybuck,” but thankfully Tolkein changed it.
19. In The Fellowship of the Ring, when Gandalf had his big standoff scene with the Balrog, Ian McKellen was actually acting to a ping pong ball.
20. The mountains on Titan, Saturn’s moon, are named in honor of Tolkien’s work.
21. Back in the ’60s, the Beatles wanted to make a movie adaptation of Lord of the Rings, with Stanley Kubrick directing, but Tolkien killed the project.
22. Christopher Lee, the actor who plays Saruman, has recorded and released several metal albums. Including a Christmas album.
23. He’s also the only cast member to have met Tolkien. He met him by chance at a bar in Oxford.
24. Tolkien believed Sam was the “chief hero” of the story.
25. The queen of Denmark illustrated the Danish edition of The Lord of The Rings under the pseudonym Ingahild Grathmer.
26. While filming a fight scene, Viggo Mortensen chipped a tooth, went to the dentist during his lunch break, and then started shooting again the same day.
27. The Nazgul’s screeches were made by sound technicians scraping Target plastic cups together.
28. Ian McKellen and Elijah Wood never actually filmed a scene together in person.
29. If you stood all the chain mail made for the movie adaptations side by side, it would stretch more than 6 miles.
30. Andy Serkis said he based Gollum’s desperation and cravings on the withdrawal of heroin addicts.
31. The Battle of Helm’s Deep (The Battle of the Hornburg) took four months to shoot, all of it at night.
32. Tolkien sold the film rights to The Lord of the Rings in 1969 for £10,000.
33. About 18,000 costumes were created from scratch for the film’s trilogy, and between 30 and 40 of the same costume were created for each main character.
34. The Return of the King holds the record for highest movie body count, tallying in at 836 (not including animals).

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Champion Author California

Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Sep 3, 2014 8:20:57 PM

There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better.

The first blonde takes the radio and says, "If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music."

The second blonde decides to take a wheel, "In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled."

The third blonde takes the car door, "In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!"
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 31, 2014 5:54:12 AM

Cat Laws
Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for him to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn’t Matter.

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Champion Author Toronto

Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Aug 27, 2014 12:46:33 PM

Golf Hustler:

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 27, 2014 6:28:27 AM

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car,
A passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, ..........
Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Aug 25, 2014 10:38:36 AM

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,
so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you !
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Aug 24, 2014 10:05:58 PM

Dear Mother-in-law,

"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement."
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 13, 2014 7:04:55 AM

Myths About Introverts
Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true.
Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say.
They hate small talk.
Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert.
Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people.
What they need is a reason to interact.
They don’t interact for the sake of interacting.
If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking.
Don’t worry about being polite.
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries.
They want everyone to just be real and honest.
Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have.
They can count their close friends on one hand.
If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life.
Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG.
They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities.
They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.”
They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all.
In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts.
They think a lot.
They daydream.
They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve.
But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with.
They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists.
They don’t follow the crowd.
They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living.
They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm.
They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions.
It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places.
Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies.
If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down.
Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine.
Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways.
Just look it up.
Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers.
That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts.
(Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.)
Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race.
In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 6, 2014 6:45:29 AM

The Train of Life
At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side; however, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.
As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of your life.
Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum.
Others will go so unnoticed that we do not realize that they vacated their seats.
This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells.
Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.
The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down.
So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are.
It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life.
Reap success and give lots of love.
More importantly, thank you for being one of the passengers on my train.
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Champion Author Chicago

Joined:Mar 2004
Message Posted: Aug 5, 2014 11:57:56 PM

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Champion Author South Carolina

Joined:Aug 2008
Message Posted: Aug 5, 2014 7:56:46 AM

Thx for the old timers test - heading to annual physical and did it under 4 mins
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Aug 4, 2014 5:31:58 AM

What Facebook Knows About You
01. Your full name.
02. Your birthday.
03.Your religious views.
04. Your political views.
05. Languages you speak.
06. Your screen name (lol).
07. Your cell phone number.
08. Your favorite quotations.
09. Access to all the contacts inside your personal email account.
10. Your picture, personal photo albums.
11. Your high school.
12. What year you graduated high school.
13. If you didn’t graduate high school.
14. Your hometown.
15. Your college.
16. What year you graduated college.
17. If you didn’t graduate college.
18. Your employer.
19. Your past employers.
20. When you got engaged.
21. When you got married.
22. When you got divorced.
23. When you broke up.
24. When you were in an open relationship.
25. When it was “complicated.”
26. Your current location.
27. Your exact residence/address.
28. Any personal website you’ve ever made.
29. Your past and present relationships.
30. Your family members.
31. Movies you’ve watched.
32. Movies you’d like to watch.
33. TV shows you’ve watched.
34. TV shows you’d like to watch.
35. Books you’d like to read.
36. Books you’ve read.
37. Places you’ve visited.
38. Your favorite public figures.
39. Your favorite actors/directors.
40. Your favorite bands/musicians.
41. Your favorite TV shows.
42. Your favorite books.
43. Your favorite movies.
44. Your favorite news sources.
45. Your favorite “inspirational people.”
46. Your favorite restaurants.
47. Your favorite foods.
48. Your favorite websites.
49. Your favorite athletes.
50 .Your favorite sports teams.
51. Your favorite clothing.
52. Your favorite “interests and activities.”
53. How many steps you’ve taken that day (via Moves).
54. Number of calories you’ve burned.
55. If you ran and how far/how long (via Moves).
56. If you biked and how far/how long (via Moves).
57. If you’ve been training at the gym “and over 60 other activities by duration” (via Moves).
58. The real-time location of you and your friends that have opted-into “Nearby Friends” (via nearby friends).
59. What TV show you’re currently listening to while typing out a status update on Facebook’s mobile app if you’ve opted-in to Facebook’s new status update listening tool.
60. What song you’re currently listening to while typing out a status update on Facebook’s mobile app if you’ve opted-in to Facebook’s new status update listening tool.
61. Anything your phone records within 15 seconds of you typing out a status update.
62. What you’re doing inside the apps you authenticate using Facebook Connect.
63. What your face looks like, now and forever.
64. Who and what you’ve texted (via WhatsApp/Messenger).
65. The people you search for.
66. The places you search for.
67. The friends you search for most.
68. The people you’re most likely to be in a picture with.
69. Who your best friend most likely is based on how many photos you appear in together
70. What parties you attended.
72. What events you attended.
73. What pages you like.
74. What pages you created.
75. What groups you’re in.
76. What groups you created.
77. What ads you click on.
78. What other sites you’re on.
79. What “People You May Like.”
80. And our personal favorite: “Write About Yourself.”

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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 30, 2014 5:37:44 AM

Moving Puzzle
If you can put this puzzle together, you can say goodbye to Alzheimer's!
This is really clever and a bit challenging.
As we older people are concerned with Alzheimer's disease, this puzzle may help dispel some fear.
It's easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease.
Give it a try.
If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you, then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's.
Just remember, if you can put this puzzle together, you do not have to fear Alzheimer's!
A really neat puzzle!!
Take the Test
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David H
Champion Author Albany

Joined:Aug 2004
Message Posted: Jul 26, 2014 3:52:08 PM


A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings.
Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
She says, “Do we have a deal if I turn around first?”
He says, “No.”
She says, “At least, let this be our little secret.”
Says he, “You’ve got a deal.”
After thinking for a moment and checking for passersby and seeing none, the woman slowly and still reluctantly drops her towel and stands naked in front of him, making no attempt to cover herself.
He looks for a few seconds, gives her $500 dollars, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs.
Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"
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Champion Author San Bernardino

Joined:Mar 2004
Message Posted: Jul 25, 2014 5:58:41 AM

Do you think politicians behinds are jealous of their mouths with all the crap that comes out of them?
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Champion Author San Bernardino

Joined:Mar 2004
Message Posted: Jul 25, 2014 5:54:11 AM

I had given up of golf, but decided to play a round the other day.

I was four under.

One under a tree, one under a rock, one under a bush and one underwater.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 24, 2014 5:27:53 AM

Cat Quotes
"You can't help that. We're all mad here." - The Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain
"With their qualities of cleanliness, discretion, affection, patience, dignity, and courage, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats?" - Fernand Mery Her Majesty the Cat
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
Actually, cats do this to protect you from gnomes who come and steal your breath while you sleep. - John Dobbin
Don't think that I'm silly for liking it, I just happen to like the simple little things, and I love cats! - Michelle Gardner
Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, whiz on your owner. - Gary Smith
Fans think they want to see more than the 10 to 20 seconds of Itchy and Scratchy that we put on the show, but my feeling is less is more. Once you've skinned and flayed a cat, ripped his head off, made him drink acid and tied his tongue to the moon, there really isn't that much to say. - Matt Groening, 1993
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. - Pablo Picasso
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Winston Churchill
I'm aloof, I like to run around outside, but I also like to curl up in warm spots. I eat fish. - Megan Coughlin on why she'd make a good cat
The naming of cats is a difficult matter. It isn't just one of your holiday games. You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter. When I tell you a cat must have three different names... - T.S. Eliot
The sun rose slowly, like a fiery furball coughed up uneasily onto a sky-blue carpet by a giant unseen cat. - Michael McGarel
We need a word for all the kitty-prints that are all over my windshield because the cats like to lie on my hood when the car is still warm. - Megan Coughlin
When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her? - Montaigne
You can visualize a hundred cats. Beyond that, you can't. Two hundred, five hundred, it all looks the same. - Jack Wright (of Kingston, Ontario, the Guinness Book record holder for the owner of the most cats at one time [689])
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. - Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
"After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference."- Charlotte Gray
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Champion Author Indianapolis

Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jul 21, 2014 4:20:48 PM

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church, and The Jewish Synagogue. Each was overrun with pesky squirrels.

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. They determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's will.

The Baptist Church squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow, and there were twice as many the next week.

The Methodist Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

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Champion Author Rochester

Joined:Oct 2007
Message Posted: Jul 20, 2014 7:10:22 AM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
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Champion Author California

Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Jul 18, 2014 6:46:39 PM

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, "Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world."

Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
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Champion Author Indianapolis

Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jul 15, 2014 10:43:31 AM

An old man limped into his doctor's office.
He said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad I can hardly walk."
Doc asked, "how old are you?"
Old man said, "90."
Doc sighed and said, "you are 90 and complaining about knee pain. What do you expect?"
Old man said, "My other knee is 90, too. It doesn't hurt."
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Champion Author London

Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jul 11, 2014 2:10:39 PM

An American minister goes to the Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem and is astounded to see in one enclosure a lion and a lamb. Unable to contain himself, he rushes to the director’s office. “I must tell you how wonderful this is,” he exclaims. “Here we are in this violent, hate-filled land, yet I see, as the Biblical prophecy of Isaiah has it, a lion and a lamb lying down together. How do you do it?”

The director shrugs. “Easy. Every morning we toss in another lamb.”
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jul 10, 2014 10:11:45 PM

keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
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Champion Author Tennessee

Joined:Feb 2010
Message Posted: Jul 10, 2014 8:32:30 PM

I am really laughing about the Whole Foods shopping trip, sounds just like me!!

Needed that laugh !!
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 5, 2014 5:50:59 AM

Thoughts Everyone Has At Whole Foods
01. I will run in and purchase this one ingredient that I need for this recipe.
02. Probably don’t need a basket.
03. How do I pronounce it?
04. Za’atar.
05. Za-ah-tahr?
06. I’ll know it when I see it.
07. Hooray a sample!
08. Of bean crisps?
09. Dried beans?
10. Caesar dressing-flavoured dried beans?
11. I shall try them.
12. Oh! These are delicious.
14. I will not purchase.
15. But I will try 17 more, thanks.
16. OK, Za’atar, where are you?
17. Are you by the fruit and veg?
18. No, but those avocadoes look amazing.
19. So ripe!
20. How are they so perfectly ripe!
21. Witchcraft!
22. Expensive expensive witchcraft.
23. Perhaps I will buy an avocado.
24. As a treat.
25. Such a healthy treat.
26. There are so many soy products.
27. Is soy good for you?
28. Should I be eating more soy?
29. What is soy?
30. Am I soy?
31. Soy soy soy.
32. Oooh olive oil tasting.
33. The tasting assistant is very handsome.
34. I hope I will impress him with my olive oil knowledge.
35. Oil one — mmm, oily, olivey?
36. (smile at the assistant)
37. Oil two — mmm, olivey?
38. (smile nervously at the assistant)
39. I don’t actually know what the difference is between them.
40. This bread is nice though.
41. I will just take a bottle of the first one, and put it back later.
42. That is the easiest way out of this.
43. I must make sure I don’t actually buy it.
44. It is very expensive.
45. And it is just oil.
46. There are so many butters.
47. Peanut butter?
48. Almond butter?
49. Cashew butter?
50. Hazelnut butter?
51. Butter?
52. I seem to be carrying quite a few things now.
53. Perhaps it’s time to run back and get a basket.
54. What is carob?
55. Is it different to cocoa nibs?
56. Is it better than cocoa nibs?
57. Do I care about organic beer?
58. I think so?
59. Maybe I should buy some and do a taste test.
60. For science.
61. I am so hungry.
62. I should have eaten before I came here.
63. Perhaps I’ll just pick up something from the salad bar.
64. I will be smart about it though.
65. No dead weight.
66. Looking at you, potatoes.
67. Stacking that tofu.
68. Light and airy tofu.
69. But those potatoes look so good.
70. Maybe one. Or two.
71. And broccoli, naturally.
72. Weighing it.
73. Crossing fingers.
74. !!!!!!!!!!
75. Take out the potatoes.
76. Time to go pay.
77. Do not purchase anything else.
78. Kombucha!
79. I have always wondered about Kombucha.
80. Such a fun word to say.
81. Like the name of a new dance craze.
82. Kom-boo-cha.
83. Is it good for me?
84. It must be.
85. I will just buy a small bottle.
86. For my health.
87. My body will thank me.
88. Time to pay.
89. Put the olive oil back on the shelf.
90. How much is this going to cost?
91. It’s only six items.
92. It won’t be too bad.
93. !!!!!!!!!!
94. Just pay and go.
95. I will relish this kombucha and this carob.
96. It will fortify me.
97. It better do, as I am not buying any more groceries this week.
98. Oh. Damnit.
99. I forgot the za’atar.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 3, 2014 5:48:06 AM

Mens Rules vs Womens Rules
Men’s Rules For Women
Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.
Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun, formation or motorcycles.
Shopping is something we will never enjoy.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
Women’s Rules For Men
Don’t lie.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
Don’t expect her to clean up after YOUR buddies have been over.
The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is tacky.
Unless she likes that sort of thing.
If you ARE going to get her lingerie, get her the kind of things SHE likes to wear – NOT what YOU’D like to see her in.
And for god’s sake, get her size right. It’s not THAT hard.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
If you don’t want another mother, don’t act like a child.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Don’t buy the $9.99/dozen roses on the way home — They tell her you are not only unimaginative, you’re cheap.
Her cooking is excellent.
That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
You are a capable adult. Don’t feign incompetence around the house in some feeble attempt to get her to "do it for you".
Notice when the floor crunches beneath your feet. You too can learn to use a broom (or vaccuum).
Dishsoap is your friend.
Learn to clean in and around a toilet. Especially since YOU are the one who "misses" it.
Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
Five O’Clock stubble has all the erotic qualities of sandpaper.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
You too, can learn to iron your shirts.
Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
Two words: clean socks.
Two MORE words: clean underwear.
Believe it or not, you’re probably NOT more attractive when you’re drunk.
Burping is not sexy.
Farting ceases to be funny after the 7th grade.
Making excuses for being an ass is bad. Learning how to admit you were wrong and apologize, is good.
Supportive is good. Patronizing is bad.
She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
Ditto for your discourse on football.
Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
She might show more interest in YOUR hobbies if you genuinely show some interest in HERS.
"Will you marry me?" is good. "Let’s shack up together" is bad.
Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
"But, we kiss…" is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
Basic courtesy and respect for feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
Always, always suck up to her brother.
The underwear your mother buys you is NOT sexy.
Think boxers.
Silk boxers.
Unless you have a GQ body. Then think French Cut. Silk French Cut.
Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
Don’t expect HER to remember your mother’s birthday or buy the gift.
Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
Learn to dress yourself. Men’s clothing comes in more colors than blue, black and grey, and more styles than t-shirts and jeans.
Her haircut is never bad.
Don’t let your friends pick on her.
Don’t ask her to fix your friends up with HER friends.
Don’t lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 29, 2014 6:19:17 AM

Marriage Jokes
You may be married, but you don‘t have to grow up! Congratulations on your wedding!
2 become 1: one bed, one remote, one bathroom! Congratulations on your union as life partners!
Marriage ain't for sissies! Gongrats on your first big step together.
You got together like two beans in a pod! Joy forever!
Congrats for signing your life away...
Welcome to the dangerous world of married life. It‘s too late to repent! Have an amazing journey!
Do you know what late nights, parties and weekend hanging out with friends have in common? You won’t have all of them from now on...
Marriage marks the end of a love story and the start of a wrestling match. Wishing you the very best of everything anyway.
In life we should always keep our eyes wide open. However, after marriage it‘s better to close them! Congratulations and Good Luck!
As you wed today, here's my advice for the newlyweds - stay married! The best is yet to be!
Why marry when jumping in front of a train is easier and faster?! Just kidding! Hope your wedding finds you smiling.
Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will'be be mad at each other as well.
I'll tell you the secret of a happy marriage. It remains... a secret to all! Wishing you all the best for the times ahead!
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 28, 2014 5:48:18 AM

The Politician and Hell
So a politician dies…
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you’re a politician…" "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell.
After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!""Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them’s the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears…
And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell.
Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing.
Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C’mon, wakey wakey, we’ve only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I’m Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But… Where’s all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we’ve been a bit mis-represented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside…" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep…
And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I’d prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What’s this??" He cries. "Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…"

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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 27, 2014 6:07:18 AM

Things No British Person Can Say Without Sounding Sarcastic
01. Wow.
02. Thanks for the input.
03. Good for you.
04. Good luck with that.
05. Good job.
06. No, the burnt bits are actually the best bits.
07. No, the meal’s been fine.
08. Cool.
09. That’s nice.
10. I can’t wait to do that.
11. I’m sure it’ll be fine, generally the wound cleans itself.
12. Well done.
13. Really, genuinely well done.
14. You should definitely go out with them. I’m sure they’re great.
15. That sounds fun.
16. Awesome.
17. Think this has all gone well.
18. Actually, most crocodiles give up pretty quickly, so don’t worry about it.
19. I’m pretty happy with that.
20. How exciting.
21. That’s very funny.
22. I float pretty well. It’ll be totally OK, you take the life-jacket.
23. I’m ecstatic.
24. This is really very exciting.
25. The big red button is a different way to go, but I’m sure it’ll pan out.
26. Oh, really?
27. If you want to go to that restaurant, I’m happy to.
28. Don’t worry about it.
29. That is fascinating.
30. Brilliant idea.
31. I really can’t wait to do that.
32. I’m really happy for you.
33. Sure, take a selfie, we can deal with the ostriches later.
34. Most of the mongooses aren’t rabid, so I’m sure we can make a break for it.
35. I am genuinely looking forward to it.
36. It’s fine, I really don’t mind.
37. Hilarious.
38. Thanks a lot.
39. I’ll make a note of that.
40. No, no, you go first.
41. I’ve had a great time.
42. Take your time.
43. Praying to Cthulhu, is an option, of course.
44. There’s no hurry.
45.When you’re ready.
46. Nice to know.
47. I love you.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 26, 2014 6:01:34 AM

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

[Edited by: Hamish at 6/26/2014 6:02:55 AM EST]
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 25, 2014 5:51:52 AM

Thoughts Everyone Has While Using Netflix
01. Ah, finally a quiet night to watch something from my Netflix queue.
02. Let me just pull up what I have saved and…
03. Wow. I have a lot of stuff on here.
04. When did I add Cheers?
05. And when did I watch four episodes of it?
06. I should probably use this time to watch a classic.
07. Chinatown? Eh, don’t know if I want start that right now.
08. Das Boot? Nah, don’t really feel like reading subtitles.
09. I know! A documentary.
10. A documentary on child trafficking? No thanks.
11. How about one where they uncover a grisly murder?
12. Why is every documentary I’ve added so morbid?
13. Maybe I should just add something new.
14. Let’s see what’s in New Releases.
15. Wait, what’s the difference between New Releases and Recently Added?
16. I’m thinking too hard about this.
17. I’ll check New Releases, just to be safe, though.
18. How have I seen every new release already? There has to be something I haven’t seen.
19. Apparently not.
20. I haven’t seen Blackfish yet.
21. But do I really want to see killer whales being tortured at SeaWorld? No.
22. I’ll just check out some other categories.
23. Why do I now have a Steamy Romances category?
24. Oh, yeah. Forgot I watched Cruel Intentions drunk the other night.
25. Maybe I’m going at this all wrong.
26. I should just check out the genres I’m interested in.
27. A comedy sounds good.
28. How are there so many comedies on here and none of them look funny?
29. I guess I could watch Say Anything for the umpteenth time.
30. But I want to watch something new!
31. ::: screams into pillow :::
32. Fuck it, I’ll just watch Top Gun.
33. ::: searches Top Gun :::
34. What the…? It was just here not that long ago?
36. No I don’t want to “explore titles related to Top Gun.” I want Top Gun.
37. And what’s up with just having sequels and not the original, Netflix?
38. I’m thinking of The Blue Lagoon fiasco, of course.
39. OK, if a movie isn’t going to happen then a new TV show it is.
40. Let’s see… Breaking Bad?
41. Seen it.
42. House of Cards?
43. Binged it.
44. Sherlock.
45. Watched it. Twice.
46. Oh! Is True Detective on here?
47. No?
49. Why can’t Netflix and HBO just be friends?!
50. Fine, back to my queue.
51. I should finish watching The Road, but I know that’s only going to devastate me.
52. I could jump back into where I left off with The West Wing.
53. Or The Following.
54. Or Luther.
55. Why is it so hard to find something I want to watch?
56. Why isn’t the perfect option not just showing up like I want it to?
57. How come whatever I want to watch is never on here?!
59. Wait, what’s burning?
60. Shit, forgot about that DiGiorno in the oven.
61. ::: takes burnt pizza out of oven :::
62. Screw it. I’ll just see what’s on TV instead.
63. ::: sadly takes bite of charred pizza :::
64. ::: proceeds to eat the whole thing :::
65. Actually, let me just check Netflix one more time.

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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 24, 2014 6:04:59 AM

Stay Off Your Bicycle
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 22, 2014 6:06:54 AM

How The Internet Got Started - According To The Bible.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying
what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew
Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 21, 2014 5:52:41 AM

Small Things That Suck Big Time
01. Mondays.
02. Opening a pack of Starburst and getting all lemons.
03. Finding a great parking space but then realizing that you won’t fit.
04. Getting a gift from your grandma but finding out it’s a Nickelback CD.
05. Winning a radio contest and finding out it’s for Nickelback tickets.
06. When your monitor is broken on your flight and you forgot to bring a book.
07. Having to pee really bad when you’re stuck in traffic.
08. Waking up before your alarm goes off.
09. Getting an unexpected check followed by an unexpected bill.
10. When your taco shell breaks.
11. Taking a shower then having to poop.
12. Unexpectedly sitting on something wet.
13. Looking in the mirror and seeing a booger in your nose, not knowing how long it has been there.
14. Missing McDonald’s breakfast menu by five minutes.
15. A car alarm repeatedly going on off in the middle of the night.
16. Forgetting that you put a frozen pizza in the oven.
17. Biting into a grainy apple.
18. When your Netflix freezes.
19. When HBO GO crashes.
20. Getting crop-dusted at Target.
21. When you go to the beach and sand gets into your bag of Doritos.
22. Tripping on your shoelaces that you checked TWICE.
23. Forgetting your phone at home.
24. Rushing to order at a restaurant and getting the chicken carbonara.
25. Seeing your ex open a successful cupcake bakery.
26. Getting a piece of popcorn stuck in your teeth that won’t come out no matter what you do.
27. Waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park, only to get to the front exactly when it gets closed for maintenance.
28. Hangnails.
29. Getting lemon juice on a cut you didn’t know you had.
30. Getting a pebble in your shoe.
31. Realizing your DVR didn’t record the newest Game of Thrones.
32. Buying something then seeing it on sale the next week.
33. Washing your car then seeing storm clouds roll in.
34. Finding another gray hair.
35. Getting a friend request from your mom on Facebook.
36. Asking for a medium rare steak and getting it well done.
37. Somehow hearing Los Del Rio’s “Macarena,” then having it stuck in your head all day.
38. Pushing the fourth floor button on an elevator and then watching someone hit both buttons for floors TWO AND THREE.
39. Shaking hands with someone whom you just saw blow their nose.
40. Purposely trying to avoid seeing the score of a game you are recording, only to get a text from someone with it.
41. Peeling an unusually tough hardboiled egg.
42. Arriving to the airport early to find that your flight is delayed.
43. When your burger is too juicy and makes the bun fall apart.
44. Forgetting to cancel your three-months-free of Starz.
45. Forgetting to set your alarm Sunday night, and then being late for work Monday morning.

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Champion Author Missouri

Joined:Oct 2005
Message Posted: Jun 20, 2014 10:01:18 AM

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Enjoy this Last Day of Spring :o)
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 20, 2014 6:10:22 AM

Smart Old Lady
Two businessmen in new shopping mall… were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop…
As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.
”No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
“What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically,”We’re selling ass-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,“Must be doing well… Only two left.”
Biology Exam
Students in an advanced Biology class was taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.”
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang for the end of class he wrote:
7. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A
The List
A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, ‘Sorry but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years.
Your penis is burned out.
You only have 30 erections left in your penis’.
The man walks home, deeply depressed.
His wife is waiting for him at the front door and ” he tells her what the doc told him.
She says, ‘Oh no! Only 30 times!
We shouldn’t waste that!
We should make a list!’
He replies, ‘I already made a list on the way home, and I’m afraid your name isn’t on it
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 19, 2014 6:44:42 AM

The Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town.
From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family.
In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger... he was our storyteller.
He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future!
He took my family to the first major league ball game.
He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors.
Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.
He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex.
His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger.
Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family.
He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.
Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?....
We just call him 'TV.'
(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod "
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David H
Champion Author Albany

Joined:Aug 2004
Message Posted: Jun 18, 2014 10:03:29 AM

The owner of a health spa was looking over an invoice and was confused about some of the numbers, so he called his secretary in for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked.
His secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 18, 2014 6:08:39 AM

Fill in a Date and see the Results
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jun 17, 2014 3:59:25 PM

This is a fine example of the Newfie way with words.
George Murphy texts his wife,
"Just avin' one more pint wit da by's.
If I ain't back in 20 minutes, read dis message agin."
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 17, 2014 6:11:08 AM

Bath Night In Scotland
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there.
Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
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Champion Author Orange County

Joined:Oct 2001
Message Posted: Jun 16, 2014 8:35:55 AM

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Champion Author Indianapolis

Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jun 16, 2014 8:25:37 AM

"Thoughts You Have When Its 4 O'Clock On Friday"

When you are retired, 4:00 and Friday are meaningless terms.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 16, 2014 5:55:54 AM

New Diving Team
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 14, 2014 5:48:34 AM

Family Tree Explained
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 13, 2014 8:51:25 AM

Thoughts You Have When Its 4 O'Clock On Friday
01. What? It’s barely 4 o’clock?!
02. The clock must be wrong. Let me check the computer.
03. Still 4. That must be wrong. Let me check my phone.
04. Still 4. Hell!
05. I’m, like, done with all my work.
06. It should be illegal to work till 5 p.m. on Fridays.
07. I wish we could just leave when we are done.
08. What am I doing after work?
09. Drink!
10. Where should I go for happy hour?
11. Most importantly, what will I drink?
12. Do I want to eat? Or should I just drink so I can get tipsy?
13. Let’s see what time is it now. 4:03…Really?!
14. I could have sworn I took 15 minutes thinking of alcohol.
15. I wonder what everyone else is doing…
16. Is it just me, or does everyone else seem to be productive.
17. Look at Tabatha, she is typing with purpose.
18. I’m hovering my mouse around with purpose. It actually looks kinda mediocre.
19. It’s 4:07… what to do, what to do?
20. I’m going to the restroom, let’s see how long that takes me.
21. What others are doing on my way there.
22. They say nothing, but I know they are lying to me.
23. They just want to make me feel better.
24. Whatever.
25. I don’t have to go to the restroom. I’ll chug water to make myself pee.
26. No, I’ll be to hydrated for happy hour.
27. 4:15! A few minutes of just walking around.
28. I wonder what my boss is doing?
29. Damn, she’s coming. I better look like I’m doing something.
30. Open up your email and type some fake, important email.
31. Dear, Farts-a-lot…
32. Okay, delete that.
33. How old am I?
34. Ugh, 4:20.
35. Let me refresh my Twitter feed for the 100, 000 time today.
36. Nothing new.
37. Let me refresh my Instagram for the 100, 000 time today.
38. Awww, a cute picture of my friend’s child.
39. I never want children. They are the devil’s seed.
40. 4:25. Let me go on Facebook now.
41. Why am I still friends with this person I haven’t talked to in years??
42. Oh, yeah. Haha, they make me feel better about myself.
43. I wonder if he is still with his baby mama?
44. Oh, would you look at that. He has a new girlfriend, with two children!
45. I should stop judging people. I’m better than that.
46. I should stop judging people. I’m better than that.
47. Facebook is the worst. That’s why I never post anything personal.
48. 4:37! Twenty-three minutes left!!!
49. Yesss!!!!
50. Let me send everyone a text reminding them that we are 23 minutes away from freedom.
51. Well, more 22 minutes by the time I send the text.
52. I should just type 21 and get ready to send it exactly at 4:39.
53. I’ll stare at the screen and frown so I can look important while I wait.
54. I got a DM! Who sends those anymore? I’ll check it late.
55. Okay! Sent!
56. I’ll just ignore the next minute and say that I have 20 minutes left. Fox / Via
57. I’ll probably leave like 5 minutes early, though.
58. No one will notice.
59. I’ll draw something on inspirational on the white board in the meantime.
60. Some Rebecca Black Lyrics and #TGIF.
61. That should inspire everyone.
62. Everyone will probably hate me on Monday morning.
63. I’ll write something else then.
64. I need to prepare my #TGIF Tweet.
65. 4:52.
66. Okay. Time to turn off everything and pack!
67. Haha, my computer is already off. Funny.
68. Would you look at that. My bag is all packed as well.
69. I don’t remember doing that.
70. Ugh, I have to wait for Becky.
71. I always have to wait for Becky!
72. Finally she is done!
73. K, bye, everyone! Have a good weekend! (5:05)

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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jun 12, 2014 9:06:47 AM

After living in the remote countryside of Newfoundland all his life, an old
man decided it was time to visit St. Johns .
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's running around with.'
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jun 11, 2014 5:30:42 PM

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again.."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when

he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
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