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Author Topic: Laugh of the day Back to Topics
yourgas

Champion Author
Ontario

Posts:10,355
Points:1,883,935
Joined:Jan 2003
Message Posted: Jun 6, 2003 1:02:48 AM

Submit your story or joke of the day and give others a 'laugh of the day'

[Edited by: TB at 8/3/2005 1:23:29 PM EST]
REPLIES (newest first) Post a Reply
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ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:435
Points:3,134,630
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Apr 20, 2014 11:03:47 PM

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's
husband.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 19, 2014 5:47:45 AM

What Australians Say vs What Australians Mean
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01. "I'll be there in a sec." - There's no way I'm going to make it on time.
02. "She's alright." - I would sleep with her.
03. "Not bad." - Quite good.
04. "He's such a nice guy." - I wish I were dating him / he's out of my league / I'm out of his
05. "Wanna go to the local?" - I can't think of anything else to do.
06. "Yeh right." = I understand.
07. "Do you guys want a coffee?" – I'm asking because it would be rude. otherwise…BUT u better ask me next time you go.
08. "I haven't spoken to him/her in ages!" - I hate that person and never want to talk to them again.
09. "I'll be there." - I'll think about it.
10. "Cool." - I'm not interested in your story but I'm pretending I am.
11. "Sure thing mate." - Piss off and leave me alone.
12. "How much?!" - I'll probably still pay that amount.
13. "Affordable." -You could live here, but you really REALLY don't want to.
14. "Wonderfully priced." - There's a reason it's so cheap.
15. "Cozy." - Shit hole.
16. "Retro." - There may be mold on the walls.
17. "Sydney is so expensive." - I can't afford to live in the city but I wish I could.
18. "That's so Melbourne." - That's so fucking pretentious.
19. "Perth." - Some place I've never been.
20. "I'm gonna spend a weekend in Canberra." – I have to spend the weekend in Canberra.
21. "Tasmania was great." – Tasmania was cold but beautiful
22. "Mate." - I'm not friends with you and I don't want to be.
23. "Sorry." – Impulsively saying sorry, I don't mean it.
24. "Sorry mate." – I'm saying sorry because I should not because I want too.
25. "Maaaate." – Seriously dude?
26. "Open 9-5." - Open 9ish to 5ish.
27. ."Train delayed due to track work." - The train is running late. No one knows why.
28. "I hate public transport." - I had a bad morning.
29. "I love politics!" – Something about the current government irritates me and I like telling people.
30. "It's so cold outside." - I'm upset that I can't wear shorts.
31. "It's so hot…wanna go to the beach?" – I'm really pale at the moment and should work on a tan.
32. "Beautiful weather right?" - I have no interest in holding a conversation with you.
33. "Hotel." - Pub.
34. "I'm not racist but..." – I'm about to say something racist.
35. "I'll pay you back when I get paid." - You are never getting your money.
36. "Lets go out tonight." - Lets stay at home drinking a lot until we decide not to go out because it's too far.
37. "RSVP." - You're gonna have to put on a shirt.
38. "I love it when..." - I definitely DO NOT love it when you do that.
39. "Yeh, okay, text it to me." - If you text it to me it will be much easier to ignore.
40. "I prefer to..." - Here's what we're gonna do.
41. "Whatever." - That hurt.
42. "I'm happy." - I'm content.
43. "Game of two halves." - We lost.
44. "How good was that?" - I'm not asking you, I know it was good. Agree with me.
45. "Fair Dinkum?" - Oh really? Also, I am over the age of 50.
46. "You're such a bogan." - You are, without a doubt, a terrible person.
47. "Wanna root?" - I have never, nor shall I ever, have sex.
48. "Brunch." - Mid-morning drinks.
49. "Picnic." - Midday drinks.
50. "Afternoon tea." - Mid-afternoon drinks.
51. "BYO." - Unless you provide your own alcohol you won't be drinking.
52. "I'm gonna chuck a sickie." - Beach day!
53. "It'll be done by next Tuesday." - I'll have it ready in two months.
54. "Bastard!" - I love you.
55. "I'm in Woop Woop." - I have no idea where I am.

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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 18, 2014 6:31:58 AM

Honest Thoughts on Tinder
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25 Honest Thoughts a Girl Had on Tinder
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01. (After 10 minutes.) Okay, so I’m not attracted to anyone and I’ll probably die alone. Tell me something I don’t know.
02. Oooh, I like this one *turns to next photo* Aaaaannd nope.
03. Why can’t people just be honest about what they look like on the first photo? I was told there was going to be transparency? (No I wasn’t.)
04. “Lior” is not a name. I can’t date a Lior. Am I a name-ist? Yes. Because I can’t see myself going steady with a man named “Are” either.
05. I get it, you’re “outdoorsy”
06. I get it, you’re “hilarious”
07. I get it, you’re “probably going to murder me if I ever leave you”
08. OH GOD, SOMEONE I KNOW. What do I do? I’ll “X” them…is that rude? I mean, we’re friendly… but I don’t want to have the awkward, “Sooo… you like me?” talk if I just do the polite thing and say “Yes” to them, even though I don’t want to go out with them. AGH THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER.
09. There are 3 people in this photo. JUST TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
10. NOOO HE WAS CUTE!!! I was so used to saying “no” for the past 10 minutes, that I might have just “X’d” the love of my liiiiiiife. Or not– I’m over it.
11. This guy says he digs “modern girls.” What…what’s a modern girl?
12. I should probably tell people who message me that I’m only doing this for a blog… But then they might ask about the blog… I’ll just say nothing.
13. Doss is a name, too?!
14. Haircuts: They matter. Dear sweet god, they matter.
15. NO MORE HATS.
16. How long have I been doing this? 20 minutes? An hour? I wish I hadn’t finished House of Cards so fast :(
17. The only ones that list their heights are the ones who are happy about their heights.
18. If your picture is sideways you are basically saying, “Hi, I’m lazy!”
19. Profile description: “No, I don’t have instuhh, that’s for vaginas.” – TERRIBLE PERSON.
20. I guess I’m into beards now… Does that make me a woman? Yes.
21. Some beards. Not your beard, Anthony. Your face is an Amish paradise, and I’m… (something about being all out of vacation days).
22. IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?!
23. I don’t have to message people back, right? This is all fake and none of us have real feelings or a desire to make a ‘connection’ with anyone, right?
24. This is Fruit Ninja, but with people who’s feelings I anonymously murder instead of fruit.
25. BABE.COM ALERT. It’s a match… awwww yeah. Oh crap, I might have to connect with someone after all :/ DAMMIT.
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25 Honest Thoughts a Guy Had on Tinder
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01. Nice head shots Ashley, but this isn’t Michael Bay’s casting app. (Actually it probably is.)
02. I probably shouldn’t be doing this on the toilet, but I am going to anyway. Swipe n’ wipe.
03. Oh, you’re not here to “hook up” Katie? So you’re already withholding sex like we’ve been married at least 3 and a half years-ish?
04. I wonder what you’d look like on a Kindle Fire.
05. 8 miles away means I really need to change my proximity settings…
06. You celebrate Halloween a lot. I mean a lot.
07. Two girls one X.
08. The 2009 version of you was pretty hot. Where the 2014 at, though?
09. We both like Subway so our first date is going to be cheap and terrible.
10. I hope you’re the hot one…
11. You’re too old, but so am I. The swipe is right.
12. Please stop Googling Marilyn Monroe quotes and using them for your profile.
13. I know you’re a porn site girl, but it makes me feel good to know you’ll definitely like me, even though it isn’t real. :(
14. That’s a huge scarf… seriously where did you get that huge ass scarf?
15. You shouldn’t have put that very last photo up. :(
16. I like the attention to detail in those double dots over the “e,” Zoë.
17. Your food interests made me hungry.
18. Sometimes I get anxiety hoping you actually don’t like me back. I just can’t take that kind of commitment.
19. Can’t wait to follow you on Instagram, then forget who you are…then randomly “like” one of your sunset pics!
20. HEART, HEART, HEART, HEART, MATCH, EHHHH, BLOCK
21. We have the same name! Is it destiny or is Morgan just a popular unisex name?
22. You were active 3 hours ago, but so was I. We’re both Tinderwhores.
23. Take the sun glasses and ski mask off. TELL ME WHO YOU ARE.
24. Is, “Where did you get that cowboy hat? I’m looking into buy a cowboy hat, myself…” a good opening line?
25. Nope. :(



[Edited by: Hamish at 4/18/2014 6:32:29 AM EST]
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 16, 2014 5:43:30 AM

Reasons Why You Just Can’t Go To The Gym Today
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01. You have a headache.
02. You have a stomachache.
03. Your dog has a headache.
04. Your dog has a stomachache.
05. Your dog just doesn't want you to.
06. You might fall on the treadmill and embarrass yourself.
07. You might fall on the elliptical and embarrass yourself.
08. Your dog might follow you to the gym, fall on the treadmill, and embarrass itself.
09. Four out of five doctors recommend staying home.
10. Your mom might call you and you know how she is when you don't answer her calls.
11. Gym clothes are too expensive.
12. Netflix is releasing the rest of Breaking Bad really soon.
13. You need to rewatch all of Breaking Bad.
14. You need to do meth.
15. There's a crisis going on in the Middle East right now.
16. There's a crisis going on in the U.S. right now.
17. There might be a crisis going on in outer space right now.
18. You already put on your pajamas.
19. You're thinking about putting on your pajamas.
20. You own pajamas that you might put on at some point.
21. Beyoncé won't be there.
22. You have to go to the bathroom, and who knows how long that might take, right???
23. Your roommate's parents are in town and are offering to take you to dinner.
24. Dinner in general.
25. You already planned to spend the night learning the difference between an en dash and an em dash.
26. You already planned to spend the night learning how to use a semicolon properly.
27. You need to wash the dishes.
28. You need to yell at your roommate until they wash the dishes.
29. You need to yell at your roommate until they finally take out the damn trash.
30. You just kind of want to yell at your roommate.
31. Your cat needs a bath.
32. You really need to floss.
33. You still haven't put away your laundry that you did last week.
34. There's a old-school Nickelodeon marathon on TV.
35. There's a House Hunters marathon on TV.
36. Literally anything is on TV.
37. You might have pulled a muscle earlier carrying groceries or something.
38. No, you definitely pulled a muscle.
39. Or, at least, something kind of hurts. Maybe. Yeah. Can't exercise like that.
40. You ran out of body wash so you wouldn't be able to shower afterwards.
41. You ran out of shampoo so you wouldn't be able to shower afterwards.
42. You just really don't want to have to shower later.
43. You have to try out this cool new recipe.
44. When you inevitably fail at making this cool new recipe, you need to order delivery.
45. There's that book you haven't started reading yet and you definitely don't want to deal with late fees at the library!
46. You haven't updated your gym playlist recently.
47. The existence of donuts in general.
48. The existence of cupcakes in general.
49. The existence of chocolate in general.
50. Basically, food.
51. You need to master the dance from that one episode of Girls, right?
52. You need a haircut.
53. You forgot to shave.
54. You woke up like this (***not wanting to go to the gym).
55. No wifi in the gym.
56. You need to finish editing that "Let It Go" cover you've been working on.
57. You just really want to listen to "Let It Go" on repeat all night.
58. What if you fart while doing squats?
59. What if someone else farts while doing squats?
60. There is a 0.00001% chance that Tina Fey and/or Amy Poehler will show up at your doorstep professing their undying love for you, and you can't risk not being there.
61. You need to watch Tina Fey and Amy Poehler videos on YouTube for the next three hours.
62. The Oscars are soon so you should really watch all the nominated films, right?
63. You're all tied up making a shrine to Lupita Nyong'o.
64. Literally, you can't stop contemplating how and why she is such a perfect human.
65. You need to vacuum.
66. You need to sweep.
67. You need to lie on the couch for an hour staring at the dirty floors, thinking to yourself, "Wow, I should really clean these," before ultimately doing nothing.
68. You're writing a thesis on the linguistic importance of the term "Zig-a-zig-ah" in late '90s pop culture.
69. You're spending the next hour laughing immaturely at the number 69.
70. You went last night, so that's good enough.
71. You went last week, so that's good enough.
72. You went last year, so that's good enough.
73. You need to free up some space on your DVR.
74. A crushing existential ennui has rendered you motionless, unable to contemplate the tedious frivolity of something such as "exercise."
75. You're still trying to figure out who let the dogs out.
76. You're working on inventing a time machine, so you can go to the gym tonight all you want when that's done.
77. Your ex might be there.
78. OK, yeah, so they don't even live in the same state anymore. BUT WHAT IF?
79. One of the pictures on your wall is a little crooked, so you're basically incapacitated for the rest of the night trying to fix that.
80. Your skin is kind of dry, so it hurts to sweat.
81. Your third cousin twice removed is in town, so you have to see them.
82. You need to spend the next hour trying to remember the name of your third cousin twice removed.
83. You've got to prepare for that big presentation at work tomorrow, remember?
84. Your roommate just started an argument with you about how to pronounce GIF, so there's the whole night right there.
85. Your Pinterest boards have been looking a little empty lately.
86. You need to spend the rest of the night drafting the perfect tweet, only to second-guess yourself at the last moment and just delete it.
87. You're already in a relationship, so who do you need to impress?
88. You're not in a relationship, so who do you need to impress?
89. One of the trainers at the gym has scary eyes.
90. One of the trainers at the gym has scary thighs.
91. That character from Green Eggs and Ham probably refuses to eat them in a gym, which is basically a call for a nationwide gym boycott, right?
92. The gym is way too far from your apartment.
93. You saw a picture of a puppy carrying a big slice of pizza in its mouth on Tumblr and you just can't deal with anything else right now.
94. Your grandma needs you to teach her how to use that textual messaging all the kids are doing these days.
95. You just found one last beer in the back of the fridge, so you're legally obligated to drink it.
96. You need to read that article everyone is talking about. You know, that one.
97. You need to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
98. Damn it. You accidentally bit into that one. Now you have to start all over.
99. There's a hole in your running shoes.
100. There's a hole in your running shirt.
101. There's a hole in your heart that can never be fully filled, so what's the point of anything, really?
102. You need to sleep.
103. BECAUSE THE GYM IS JUST THE WORST, OK?
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ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:435
Points:3,134,630
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Apr 14, 2014 11:13:47 PM

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 14, 2014 10:30:44 AM

Canadians are Generous People.
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This guy drives up to his house and the place where he usually parks is full of snow.
So, he parks in a nearby parking lot and walks back home to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house.
It takes hours to shovel, but finally done, he walks back to the lot to get his car.
When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car.
He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes, etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle.
Police sometimes get involved, however, when the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means.
So, this guy decides to get creative.
Instead of doing the usual nasty note, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well.
I mean, very, very thoroughly.
The water of course froze solid.
When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized popsicle.
The note on the car read, "You want the space?
Here. It's yours until spring!"
.
See what I mean - generous.
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salgood
Champion Author Twin Cities

Posts:5,482
Points:1,206,615
Joined:Jun 2008
Message Posted: Apr 13, 2014 1:41:32 AM

"If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy." Demetri Martin, Comedian.
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WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:15,236
Points:3,112,985
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Apr 13, 2014 1:27:35 AM

I've just taken up speed reading. Last night I did "War and Peace" in 20 seconds. I know it's only three words, but it's a start.
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ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:435
Points:3,134,630
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Apr 12, 2014 10:37:40 PM

> Newfie men can be wise individuals who make a lot of sense.
>
>
>
> This is a fine example of the Newfie way with words.
>
>
> Jarge texts his wife,
>
>
>
> "Just avin' one more pint wit da by's.
>
>
>
> If I ain't back in 20 minutes, read this again!
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 11, 2014 5:50:08 AM

A Good Twist Ending to a Movie
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Everybody loves a good twist ending to a movie. Sometimes they come seemingly out of nowhere and make you want to go back and try to catch all the little clues interspersed throughout the flick. And sometimes they serve as the final piece of a puzzle that’s been building throughout the entire film. And then there are the ones that don’t make a lick of sense, but are still so damn cool that they somehow work anyway. In the end, the best ones get people talking, and that’s what the following movies all managed to do with their endings, the 25 best twist movie endings of them all.
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‘The Mist’
The Twist: Pinned down and hopeless against a bunch of gnarly monsters, Thomas Jane does the only thing he can and offs his fellow survivors, including his own son. Moments later, the army shows up to save the day. Oops!
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‘Ocean’s 12'
The Twist: It’s revealed that Danny and the boys stole the egg before it even got to the museum, thus rendering all the ensuing hijinks pointless. Sure, it kind of makes their actions the rest of the movie seem completely unrealistic/unnecessary and the whole movie ceases to make any sense at all but they manage to make the arrogant French dude look like a gigantic fool and in the end isn’t that all that matters?
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‘Orphan’
The Twist: The creepy little girl they adopted is actually a thirty-something psychopath killer who naturally decides to get all stabby. This is why you should never take adoption advice from Webster.
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‘Dark City’
The Twist: The city is actually a giant spaceship, the people are all abductees being experimented on, and every memory they have, even the “real” ones are completely made up. I guess that explains why Jack Bauer thinks he’s just a creepy doctor and doesn’t just kill everyone and fly the ship back to Earth.
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‘The Devil’s Advocate’
The Twist: The twist isn’t that Al Pacino is actually the devil – you’d have to be a dullard not to realize that. No, the twist is that after the devil is outwitted by Keanu Reeves of all people (and how shameful is that?) he basically just goes back in time and starts playing Keanu all over again, revealing that he can never really lose. Also, that hot lawyer that Keanu spends the whole movie lusting after? Yeah, that’s actually his sister, but let’s not talk about that because… ugh.
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‘Donnie Darko’
The Twist: The only way for Donnie to save the world is to go back to the moment the jet engine crashed through his ceiling and allow himself to be smooshed to death. And not smooshed to death like the Ronnie banging Sammie into oblivion on Jersey Shore sense but in the fat guy stepping on a baby kitten sense. Poor baby kitten Donnie.
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‘Twelve Monkeys’
The Twist: Brad Pitt and his gang of eco-terrorist hippies are just harmless idiots and had nothing to do with the deadly disease outbreak that ruined the world of the future. Oh, and also Bruce Willis is nuts because the dude he watched get shot to death at the airport was actually the grown-up version of himself sent from the future which let’s be honest would give anybody a decent case of neuroses. Doc Brown just fainted.
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‘Saw’
The Twist: The dead dude who’s been laying there the whole time is actually the killer and he’s, uh, well he’s not so much dead as just a psycho who’s been faking and he’s about to get raw all up in there. One of the more recent entrees in the long and distinguished line of horror films with twist endings, it’s also one of the best.
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‘Presumed Innocent’
The Twist: After Harrison Ford is exonerated for the murder of the woman he had an affair with, his wife admits that she was the killer… and she gets away with it because, well, shit happens I guess? Truly, a wholesome message of family values that everyone can appreciate.
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‘Scream’
The Twist: The killer is actually two people – Sidney’s boyfriend Billy and his jackass best friend, Stu. The real twist is that everyone in the entire town let themselves be terrorized and outwitted by Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard, which is so embarrassing that they all pretty much deserved what they got. Also, Drew Barrymore needs to get caller ID.
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‘Unbreakable’
The Twist: Samuel L. Jackson is actually basically a supervillain who engineered all the catastrophic events of the film in order to lure out his opposite, Bruce Willis, because he’s completely friggin’ nuts. Then again, all anyone had to do was take a look at that hair and they could have probably figured that one out pretty quickly.
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‘American Psycho’
The Twist: Patrick Bateman may have just been imagining the whole thing. The ending is left open to some interpretation but the idea that Bateman is actually just some ineffectual suit with a depraved mind given to fantasizing about killing hookers and chasing ladies through the halls naked wielding a chainsaw might be even more disturbing than if he actually was a serial killer.
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‘Friday the 13th’
The Twist: The real killer is actually Jason’s mom, which means that anyone who made Your Momma jokes while Jason was growing up probably needs to watch their back. Oh, and Jason isn’t dead so much as just a mutant looking dweeb chillin’ in the lake, pulling girls out of boats. To be fair, it’s probably hard finding dates when you’re a maggoty dude who looks like he has severe encephalitis.
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‘Open Your Eyes’
The Twist: The dude is actually dead and contracted with a company to be cryogenically frozen so he can dream a new reality while he waits for science to come up with a way to fix his jacked up face. This is the movie that was remade by Tom Cruise as Vanilla Sky, and what isn’t a twist is that the original is better – probably because it didn’t star Tom Cruise.
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‘Chinatown’
The Twist: Faye Dunaway banged her dad, and her “sister” is actually her daughter. And her sister, I guess. Then again, I’m sure Jack Nicholson’s been involved in worse.
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‘Source Code’
The Twist: Jake Gyllenhaal is actually pretty much dead. He’s just a torso and a head being kept artificially alive in a special chamber and his brain is hooked up to a computer system. Let’s face it, that pretty much describes 90% of us these days.
.
‘Moon’
The Twist: Sam Rockwell is a clone and he keeps dying and being replaced by a new version of himself. All his memories are actually the memories of a man who lived decades before. Incidentally, Moon was directed by the same dude who directed Source Code, Duncan Jones aka David Bowie’s son, which in a weird way kind of explains a lot. Frankly, I’m surprised Sam Rockwell didn’t actually turn out to be a hermaphroditic alien.
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‘Color of Night’
The Twist: The hot chick that psychiatrist Bruce Willis is banging is actually the 16 year-old patient he’s been seeing. Oh yeah, I should mention that the 16 year-old male patient he’s been seeing was forced to pose as a dude by her killer brother which would make sense until you realize that she’s Jane March and, uh, I don’t remember too many of my dude friends looking like that when we were 16. If they did, I might be a little more, shall we say, confused.
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‘The Illusionist’
The Twist: Jessica Biel isn’t dead and the whole movie was one big plot by her illusionist childhood love Edward Norton to rescue her from the evil clutches of the dickish Prince Leopold. And yes, just about every dude reading this imagines he’s the illusionist and Justin Timberlake is Prince Leopold. Don’t front.
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‘Se7en’
The Twist: The box contains Gwyneth Paltrow’s head and in the end the whole thing was a setup by Kevin Spacey so that Brad Pitt would be the one to commit the seventh and final sin and murder. This was legit shocking to people when it first came out, but I think people would probably start cheering today if they went to a movie in which Gwyneth’s head ended up in a box.
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‘Rosemary’s Baby’
The Twist: The twist isn’t that the baby is actually the antichrist, or even that her husband and the neighbors were in on the fiendish plan. The twist is actually that our heroic Rosemary takes one look at her new baby boy and immediately turns to the dark side out of maternal love. This is probably Mrs. Bieber’s favorite movie.
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‘The Village’
The Twist: It’s present day and the village is really just a commune hidden away from the rest of the world, while the modern world is kept hidden away from its residents. This would probably rank higher except by the time it came out everyone was looking for the twist since it was an M. Night Shyamalan flick and everyone had caught on to his gimmickry. It’s still kind of a cool idea, though.
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‘Secret Window’
The Twist: The dude menacing writer Johnny Depp is a figment of his overactive imagination, and he’s actually been the one killing people. It happens. Look, having to be creative all the time is a lot of pressure. I get it.
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‘The Machinist’
The Twist: The guy who’s been stalking Christian Bale is actually a hallucination haunting him for his part in the hit and run death of a little boy years before, as are many of the other characters in the movie. It’s probably the most messed up out of all the Batman movies. Well, except for the one with Arnold and the nipples on the bat suit.
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‘Matchstick Men’
The Twist: Conman Nicolas Cage’s long-lost daughter is actually a con-artist who teamed up with his partner in crime to bilk him out of his fortune, which is an especially mean thing to do to a dude with severe OCD. Then again, it’s an especially funny thing to do to Nicolas Cage, so double bonus points all around.
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ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:435
Points:3,134,630
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Apr 9, 2014 11:36:13 PM

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'

The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'

The preacher said, 'I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'

The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.’
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 9, 2014 3:03:07 PM

Darwin Awards
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The year would not be complete without the Darwin Awards - awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine Darwin Award Nominees are:
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Nominee No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
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Nominee No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
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Nominee No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. (For whatever reason, residents of Southern states always seem to figure prominently among the Darwin nominees.)
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Nominee No. 4 [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.. (Nice to see another Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always have been heavily involved.)
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Nominee No. 5 [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas emissions. There were no marks on his body, and an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one was hospitalized.
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Nominee No. 6 [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. (North Carolina entrants are always perennial favourites.)
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Nominee No. 7 [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-calibre muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
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Nominee No. 8 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario entry ... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime Provinces.)
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Finally, THE WINNER! [North Carolina Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a "frog gigging trip" on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not avail able, Wallis noticed that the .22 calibre bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)

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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 6, 2014 5:47:14 AM

Things I Learned From Dating in 2013
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01. Don’t use Febreeze as a substitute for perfume on a first date, unless you want his senses to associate you with his grandma’s furniture.
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02. If a man is rolling on Molly on New Year’s Eve, and passionately and repeatedly tells you, “You are the most beautiful woman in all of space and time,” it’s probably the Molly telling you that.
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03. If the person you are dating is really into something that you don’t think you could ever get into, you don’t have to force yourself to pretend that you thoroughly enjoyed your initiation into his Dungeons and Dragons game. (You can actually just be your own person with your own interests!! I know, I know!! Crazy, right?! But it WORKS.)
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04. Guys actually don’t care whether your underwear is matching or not, but go ahead and do whatever it is that makes you feel sexy fo’ yo’ bad self…
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05. If you don’t want to go out with someone, don’t go out with them. By being “nice” and going out with them when you know you’re not interested, you are only making things worse. And not actually being so nice.
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06. When you decide you no longer want to go out with someone, just tell them. Don’t get super busy and just fade into obscurity, hoping they’ll just give up. (There is nothing worse than feeling like you are so unimportant to someone, that they clearly think ignoring you is a fine way to end things with you.)
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07. Don’t pretend to have seen a movie you have not seen. It will be a very awkward next 5 minutes for you.
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08. If you want to be in a relationship, but the person you’re seeing has been very clear that they are not interested in a relationship right now, it is not in your best interest to assume that after spending time with you, they will change their mind. It will actually hurt much worse when they don’t change their mind. (Sometimes timing is just not right, yo.)
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09. When someone compliments you, DO NOT knock it down. Graciously accept the compliment, and try to hurry the conversation along so you can stop blushing like an idiot as quickly as possible.
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10. Be confident in yourself, and don’t be with someone who makes you feel inferior in any way.
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11. You can’t be friends with all of your exes. (But you can be friends with some of them! Like the one who’s super into quantum physics, still laughs at your stupid puns, and invites you to Yoga! He’s a groovy cat.) Don’t ever text *Insert Who You Know I’m Talking About HERE* again. Ever.
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12. Don’t hang out with someone you aren’t romantically into, who you know is romantically into you, just because you’re lonely. It’s better to be alone than to selfishly spend time with someone who’s clearly trying to get out of the friend zone, who you have no plans of dating.
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13. Chivalry is not dead, but it’s not always genuine. Sometimes a guy can be extremely polite and do all the right things, but at the end of the day he might still be kind of an asshole. (So don’t let the whole picking you up/paying for dinner/walking you to your door routine get in the way of your deeper judgment of his character. Really, these things should be a given and you shouldn’t bloody fall in love with a guy just because he called you to ask you out, or because he didn’t just ask to “hang out.”)
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14. The whole “It’s not you, it’s me” thing will always be a thing. None of us really want to be horrible and tell someone we’re just not that into them, so it’s really not that terrible of a thing to hear or do.
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15. If you constantly find yourself liking someone, but then change your mind the moment they like you back, giiiiiiiirl (or boyyyyyyy), you got some insecurities to work on. This is your insecure mind saying, “Hey! Wait a minute! They like me? They must not be as great as I thought they were, because if they see value in someone like me, there must not be as much value in them.” Ugh, this is the worst. It’s a dangerous game to let your insecurities navigate your choice in partners, because oftentimes you’ll end up falling for people who make you feel insecure. You may think that this person is more exciting, or a better “catch” (because they are so effing hard to “catch”), but you will only end up hurt, exhausted, and even more insecure from the constant chase. Trust me. I know this because I must have done this at least 4 times this past year. BUT NOT ANYMORE! I’M NOT JOSIE GROSSIE ANYMORE!!
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16. Be happy with yourself before you try to find happiness with someone else. This will also make you insanely attractive to the opposite sex. (It’s very cliche, but there’s a reason for these annoying cliches).
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17. If he complains about feminism, run.
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18. Being single is really awesome, enjoy it and use it to find the things that you’re interested in for yourself.
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19. If he’s an immature ex-boyfriend who completely broke your heart once, Stop. Do NOT pass GO. Do NOT MAKE OUT with him.
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20. Ryan Gosling ain’t married yet. You keep dreaming, you…


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gocatgo
Champion Author South Carolina

Posts:18,016
Points:2,863,780
Joined:Apr 2006
Message Posted: Apr 6, 2014 1:02:14 AM

Joe, nice dogs Bo, what are their names.
Bo, Timex & Rolex.
Joe, Timex & Rolex?
Bo, yeah they're watch dogs.
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ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:435
Points:3,134,630
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Apr 5, 2014 10:27:22 AM


Good one ``Hamish` !!!!! send some more!
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 5, 2014 6:36:09 AM

Kitty Green
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A Scotsman went to Confession in St. MacGregor's Catholic Cathedral.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Kitty Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven.
Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Scottish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I've had sex with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Kitty Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Kitty Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,'No Father ... I think it's just a reflection off her shoes'.

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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:17,890
Points:3,166,090
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Apr 4, 2014 9:56:23 PM

My priest sympathsizes with me about mothers-in-law, even though he doesn't have one.

He says he understands because every day he is in a constant battle against Satan.
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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:17,890
Points:3,166,090
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Apr 4, 2014 9:46:51 PM

Know what the difference is between "Outlaws" and "In-Laws"?

Outlaws are wanted!
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CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:38,910
Points:3,520,305
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Apr 4, 2014 7:54:14 PM


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman get into a cab. The driver turns around and says, "Sorry gentlemen, I'm a Muslim. I can't take a joke."
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 4, 2014 6:13:49 AM

Marriage is Tough
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Marriage is tough, you guys.
Luckily, there are articles like this one with all the dealbreakers you want to make sure you and your spouse-to-be agree on.
With issues like “Toothpaste: Cap on or Cap off” and “Mayo or Miracle Whip,” they’re definitely off to a good start.
But there are so many big issues that could make or break marriage that one list just doesn’t cover it.
So here are 35 other things you and your sweetie better agree on before you say I do.
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01. 9/11: Caused by Bush? The Lizard People? Or the Freemasons?
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02. Drunk sex or coke sex?
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03. Grumpy Cat or Lil’ Bub?
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04. What did Bill Murray whisper to Scarlett Johansson? Show your work.
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05. Is shoplifting okay if you’re bored?
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06. Let’s talk child-rearing. If we have a daughter, pageant circuit at age 2? Or age 3?
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07. If we have a son, how old before he’s taught hand-to-hand combat?
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08. If one of us decides to commit suicide, do it at home and let the other person find the body and handle the clean-up? Or go to a motel to let a chambermaid deal with it?
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09. What goes in the butt? Nothing, everything, or depends on if it’s New Years Eve or some other special occasion?
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10. Breaking Bad or Cougar Town?
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11. There’s been an apocalypse. We have one can of beans left to eat between us. How do we fight for it? Knives? Knives, right?
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12. When you finish your breakfast, do you put your cigarette out by dropping it in your coffee, or stubbing it out in the leftover eggs?
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13. Dahmer or Gacy?
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14. We’re both unsure if we’re robots who’ve been programmed full of manufactured memories to make us believe we’re real humans, right?
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15. Ralph or Potsy?
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16. This American Life or Radiolab?
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17. When the house gets too messy, do we move? Or burn it down then move?
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18. The Fast and the Furious? 2 Fast 2 Furious? The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift? Fast & Furious? Fast 5? Or Fast & Furious 6?
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19. You’re on the toilet and you just realized too late that you’re out of toilet paper. Do you use the bathtowels? Or just rub yourself up and down against the wall?
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20. The new Delta safety video? Or the old one with the finger-wagging blonde woman as the lead?
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21. Randy Sklar or Jason Sklar?
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22. The Grand Canyon. Aliens?
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23. If you had a time machine, would you go back to the 1920s and kill Hitler, or 2006 and tell yourself to stop watching Lost?
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24. Charlie Sheen Two and a Half Men or Ashton Kutcher Two and a Half Men?
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25. Vodka or Gin?
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26. The Earth is only around 6,000 years old and God buried dinosaur bones in the ground just to test our faith, right?
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27. Bathtub surgery or “let it run its course”?
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28. If one of us finds out who killed JFK, do they tell the other? Or are some secrets healthy, in that they are how people in long-term relationships feel like they are retaining their individual identities?
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29. Vegan or Freegan?
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30. Answer a text with a phone call, or behave like someone who isn’t an uncivilized monster?
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31. John Mayer or the sound of an orphan crying in hunger?
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32. Sidekick or Nokia?
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33. Do you call it a “hot tub full of Miller Genuine Draft” or a “jacuzzi full of Miller Genuine Draft?”
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34. Looks like a pump or feels like a sneaker?
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35. If one spouse is on life support and the other spouse pulls the plug, but the sick spouse just keeps holding on, does the non-sick spouse get a hall pass to see other people?
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 2, 2014 6:04:13 AM

Pranks
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50. Borrow someone’s cell phone and change the language setting to a foreign language.
49. Change the language for Google on someone’s computer.
48. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf.
47. Swap the signs on the men’s and ladies’ rest rooms.
46. Hide scented air fresheners all over someone’s office.
45. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
44. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
43. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
42. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
41. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it.
40. Replace Oreo cream-filling with toothpaste and offer one to someone.
39. Dip the tips of someone’s cigarettes in Orajel so their lips will go numb.
38. Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
37. Cup some water in your hand and pretend to sneeze on the back of someone’s head.
36. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note.
35. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
34. Hide all of the desktop icons on someone’s computer and replace the monitor’s wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
33. Put a “Please Use Other Door” sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.
32. Put a balloon on the tailpipe of a someone’s car so it will pop when they start their car.
31. Glue the headset of someone’s phone down to the cradle.
30. Take the door knob off a door and put it back on backwards, then lock it and leave the door open.
29. Put plastic wrap around the door frame of a commonly used door.
28. Cover a toilet seat with plastic wrap.
27. Take a squirt gun into the rest room stall next to someone and shoot little drops over the wall every couple of seconds while pretending to pee.
26. Leave a note on someone’s car apologizing for an accident that never actually happened.
25. Glue all the eggs into the carton.
24. Hard boil all the eggs in the carton and place them back in the refrigerator.
23. Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won’t suds up.
22. Turn every setting in someone’s car to the maximum: the heat, the radio, the wipers, the seats, etc.
21. Place a small piece of Post-it note over the ball under someone’s computer mouse so that it won’t work.
20. Switch the handles on the refrigerator to the side that doesn’t open.
19. Conference call two people then don’t say anything, just listen.
18. Place a ‘house for sale’ ad in the newspaper for someone’s home.
17. Paint the tips of someone’s pen and pencil with clear nail polish so none of them work.
16. Hide a small radio in the ceiling tiles above someone’s desk and turn it on very softly.
15. Fill someone’s hair-dryer with baby powder.
14. Put marbles in the hubcaps of someone’s car.
13. Leave cryptic notes warning someone of an impending prank then do nothing all day.
12. Rubber band the sprayer on the kitchen sink into the “on” position.
11. Place a pair of pants and shoes inside the only toilet stall in a rest room to make it appear someone is using it all day.
10. Pour vegetable oil on the exhaust of someone’s car so it will smoke when started up.
09. Hide an alarm clock in someone’s bedroom and set it for 3:00 a.m.
08. Remove the shower head and place a Lifesavers candy in it, then put the head back on.
07. Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
06. Rearrange somebody’s drawers or file cabinets in a different order.
05. Tape magnets to the bottom of a cup, put it on the roof of your car and drive around.
04. Put food coloring in the hand soap dispenser.
03. Put an ad in the paper for a garage sale at someone’s house beginning at 6 a.m.
02. Buy some underwear, write a co-worker’s name in them, then leave them on the floor of the office bathroom.
01. Install the Blue Screen of Death screen-saver on someone’s computer.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Apr 1, 2014 6:52:01 AM

DUMB CRIMINALS
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-A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

-A defendant facing drug possession charges on trial in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a 'bulge' in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he took a five minute recess to compose himself.

-A woman was reporting her car as stolen and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

-Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said "I should have blown your fucking head off!" The defendant paused then quickly added "if I'd been the one that was there". The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

-Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

-Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused saying "Because I don't believe you are over 21". The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested him two hours later.

-The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a line-up of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes". The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out "That isn't what I said".

-In Nashville, they tell of Fred 'Junior' Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

-In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

-In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid being identified in a 7-11 robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

-Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim and blurted "Yes officer, that's the woman I robbed".

-Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

-An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

-A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and nabbed him.

-A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants" said police. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

-In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

-The record for the world's worst drivers is a toss-up between two candidates: First, a 75-year-old man who received 10 traffic tickets, drove on the wrong side of the road four times, committed four hit-and-run offenses, an caused six accidents, all within 20 minutes on October 15, 1966. Second, a 62-year-old woman who failed her driving test 40 times before passing it in August, 1970 (by that time, she had spent over $700 in lessons, and could no longer afford to buy a car).

-The two suspects had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant's table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. "And ma'am you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?" Yes sir, the witness answered. "And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?" Before the witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed openly.

-England: A German tourist supposedly on a golf holiday shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realises that the tourist does not know what a 'handicap' is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does - backward. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

-Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in. Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape.

-A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

-A man went in to rob a bank. He demanded the clerk to give him all the money. They told him to go sit out in his car and they would bring him the bags of money. He agreed and went out to his car. In the meantime the people in the bank called the police. When they got there the man was still sitting in his car waiting for the money and they arrested him.

-Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies when, after he was arrested, he tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

-A criminal who broke into a couple's house started to take the TV, but instead he turned it on and began to watch. He supposedly liked the program that was on and laid down on the bed. Since it was at night he was tired and fell asleep. So when the couple came home the next day they found him and called the police.

-A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break his former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a rather large hole in his stomach.

-When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid".

-In the middle of a blizzard, a New Jersey high school student decided it would be a good idea to rob the local 7-11. He walked to the store with a gun and stole $50. He walked back to his home, which was less than a mile away. The police followed the footprints to the young man's front door and arrested him.

-When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
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Avonlady
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:2,856
Points:135,565
Joined:Mar 2004
Message Posted: Mar 30, 2014 6:20:33 AM

A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 30, 2014 5:57:01 AM

My Cat
.
.
My cat, Tiny Tim, has a cage
Where he loves to lie in the sun.
It has put the birds in a rage
And they commune each day for fun.
.
They nestle and jostle up high one the net,
Hurling avian cusses at Tim.
Though pondering deeply he has not yet
Worked out why they centre on him!
.
I never have chased a bird away
At least not while living with you
Not even that magpie you feed every day
Who'd be so develish in a stew
.
So, down in my burrow I'll go and hide
Till these noisey buggars have fled
Then, quietly I''ll slip inside
And sleep the day out on your bed
.
by M.J.
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ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:435
Points:3,134,630
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 29, 2014 12:05:07 PM


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that
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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:17,890
Points:3,166,090
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Mar 29, 2014 11:58:10 AM

Further thoughts on:

What's the major difference between an Italian dressing and a Russian dressing?

The Italian can put on his clothes while jumping out the window.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 29, 2014 5:58:11 AM

Apple Dating Terms and Conditions
.
.
THE LEGAL AGREEMENT STATED BELOW GOVERNS YOUR BEHAVIOR IN ANY DATING RELATED ACTIVITIES, INCLUDING DINNERS, MOVIES, WALKS ON THE BEACH AND ANY BASE YOU MIGHT REACH WHILE ENGAGED IN A MAKE OUT SESSION. TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS, CLICK "AGREE".
IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS, DO NOT CLICK "AGREE" AND DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY DATING WITH ANY HUMAN IN ANY SITUATION.
.
A. FIRST DATES, INTRODUCTIONS
.
If you are the initiator of this date, you agree that you will pay for all products you and your date will consume or purchase throughout the evening, and that Apple Dates may charge your payment method for any further products purchased in order to impress your date, including: valet parking, aged wines and flowers from that annoying guy at the restaurant praying on couples.
IN THE EVENT OF A DATE GOING WELL, YOU MAY BE CHARGED WITH EXTRA PRODUCT FEES INCLUDING: CONTRACEPTIVES*.
*All sales of contraceptives are final, and will not be returned or exchanged, because it's gross.
.
B. LIGHT CONVERSATION
.
By clicking "Agree", you are obligated to engage in conversation about approved topics only, including: Work, Hobbies, TV and movies, and briefly about past relationships.
You MAY NOT talk about: diseases, your band, your screenplay ideas, your mom, and your total fear of commitment.
Any violation of these discussion topics would result in complete termination of the date and you spending the rest of the night alone, in which case Apple will gladly suggest its new product: Apple Sex-Bot.
.
C. REQUIREMENTS FOR USE OF APPLE DATING SERVICE
.
The Apple Dating service is only available for individuals aged 18 or older, with a physical look of minimum a 7.
If you're younger than 18, or uglier than a 7, you may not proceed.
By clicking "Agree" you guarantee that you're of legal age and at least moderately hot.
If you are a borderline 7, you may supply an agreement from a past relationship guardian that your personality makes up for at least one point of hotness.
Failing to supply this agreement will result in complete termination of the date, and a hotter individual will be provided for your date right in front of you, and he will show off and laugh at your ugliness.
.
D. TERMINATION
.
In case you wish to terminate the date and/or relationship, you may do that face to face only.
Termination may not be performed by: Text message, Phone call, Facebook chat, Twitter posts with a #WeDone hashtag.
Funny vines will be considered.
.
E. PRIVACY
.
Ha. good one. We even get access to your dick pics.





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ladidaCA
Champion Author Orange County

Posts:8,363
Points:1,265,470
Joined:Sep 2010
Message Posted: Mar 28, 2014 12:34:18 PM

A 92 year old man was not feeling very well and he went to see his doc. The Doc told him what to do and see him again in a month. About 2 weeks later the Doc was walking in the shopping mall and saw the 92 year old man with a big smile on his face and a cute lady on his arm. The Doc goes up to the 92 year old and says, "I see you are doing better and you are following my advice." Yep the man says, "I followed your advice to stay cheerful and get a hot mama". Doc, "I did not say that, I told you to be careful, you have a heart murmur".
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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:17,890
Points:3,166,090
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Mar 27, 2014 4:12:21 PM

This lovely inner-city couple just delivered a beautiful baby daughter, but her parents were amazed at how fair her coloring was--so they decided to name her --Cloreen!
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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:17,890
Points:3,166,090
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Mar 27, 2014 11:39:36 AM

Snapple puts a trivia fact under their caps. This morning I read, "The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man." Could this be rephrased as, "The average man has five inches over the average woman"?
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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:17,890
Points:3,166,090
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Mar 27, 2014 11:37:40 AM

Since the term "Colored" is no longer considered PC, when we do laundry my wife has to separate the items into "White" and "African-American" clothes.
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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:17,890
Points:3,166,090
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Mar 27, 2014 11:36:49 AM

What's the major difference between an Italian dressing and a Russian dressing?

The Russian puts on a layer of thermals before the rest of his clothes.
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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:17,890
Points:3,166,090
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Mar 27, 2014 9:34:52 AM

What's different about Thanksgiving in a nudist colony?

There's no dressing.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 26, 2014 5:54:30 AM

NBC's Exciting New All-Public-Domain 2014 Lineup
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.
Hot off the heels of 'Grimm,' the highly-promoted 'Dracula,' and the Blackbeard-themed 'Crossbones,' NBC is adapting its entire 2014 programming schedule from other random public domain properties.
Here's a sneak peek at what's in store for NBC this year:
.
New Hot Frankenstein
.
Robinson Crusoe: RECKONING
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Mona Lisa: Gargoyle Doctor
.
Mummies? YEAHHHH Mummies
.
Bunyan & Babe: Sex-tectives
.
Camptown Races: 2090 A.D.
.
Mozart But Like Cool Mozart And He's Killin' Zombies
.
Shave And A Haircut, Two Bits: The Series
.
Romeo And Juliet But She's An Actual Angel And He's A Manticore
.
TextEdit Town
.
Moses Sings "Amazing Grace"
.
Codename APPLE$EED
.
Earth Photo From NASA.gov Discovers Atlantis
.
King Tut: Old West Sheriff In Modern Detroit
.
Fair-Use Youtube Walrus Watches 'The Blacklist'
.
That Old "Man With The Hook" Campfire Story But It's Captain Hook Uhoh Does Disney Own Him Better Not Risk It CANCELED.
.
Copyright-Free Etchings of 19th Century Wildlife Compete In Some Way
.
Yo Show Show And A Bottle Of Rum
.
The 'Jack' Picture From Playing Cards Is Like Robin Hood Now Or Whatever And He Steals That Beck Song That Used To Come Free With Windows Media Player From The Rich And Gives It To The Poor. Also "Jingle Bells" Plays
.
Literally Just Color Bars Before And After Sunday Night Football
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ABCD1
Champion Author Victoria

Posts:2,577
Points:634,295
Joined:Aug 2006
Message Posted: Mar 25, 2014 2:25:36 AM

Mick Jagger's longtime girlfriend L'Wren Scotts' last words . . .

...

"I can't get no . . . s a t i s f a c t i o n"

[Edited by: ABCD1 at 3/25/2014 2:26:21 AM EST]
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 24, 2014 6:04:46 AM

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER
.
.
-First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...

-They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

-We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

-We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!

-We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.

-We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, milk from the cow and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

-No one was able to reach us all day. And we were okay.

-We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/DVD's or colour TV no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet Facebook... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them.

-We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

-Only girls had pierced ears!

-We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

-We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays, we rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them. Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!

-Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that! Getting into the team was based on MERIT.

-Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't paying attention. We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.

-Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

-Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'.

-We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

-You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


[Edited by: Hamish at 3/24/2014 6:06:46 AM EST]
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 23, 2014 5:40:48 AM



Close the Door
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 21, 2014 5:39:01 AM



Dominick the Donkey
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gocatgo
Champion Author South Carolina

Posts:18,016
Points:2,863,780
Joined:Apr 2006
Message Posted: Mar 21, 2014 1:14:37 AM

With the present shortage of jobs in North Carolina educators in that state are going back to basics. Their new education plan is called The 3 R's, Reading, Riting and the Road to Richmond.

When some jerk sticks their tongue out at me, I respond with no thanks I use toilet paper.
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:20,444
Points:3,498,490
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Mar 20, 2014 3:55:59 PM

A little guy at a local bar is drinking his beer when a big guy punches him and says, "Karate chop from Japan". The little guy moves to the end of the bar. The same big guy walks up and throws him on the floor and says, "Judo throw from China". The little guy leaves, but comes back in an hour and knocks the big guy out. The little guy tells the bartender, "When that guy wakes up, tell him 'crowbar from Lowes'".
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ma-bell
Veteran Author Manitoba

Posts:435
Points:3,134,630
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 19, 2014 10:41:58 PM




Why Grandfathers are differentHave you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:



There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.



One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.



When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.



Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, socialist left wing Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"



We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.



Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 13, 2014 3:48:16 PM



Gummy Bear Song
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jdhelm
Champion Author Iowa

Posts:14,207
Points:1,523,020
Joined:Dec 2009
Message Posted: Mar 9, 2014 9:08:42 AM

it's not really chicken, is it?
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 9, 2014 5:59:05 AM

Changes Are Coming
.
.
As another New Year moves us on into the future, we sometimes look ahead and wonder what changes will be in store.
Here are ten changes that will be taking place in years to come...
.
01. The Post Office
Get ready to imagine a world without the post office.
They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term.
Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive.
Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.
.
02. The Cheque
Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with cheque by 2018.
It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process cheques.
Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the cheque.
This plays right into the death of the post office.
If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.
.
03. The Newspaper
The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper.
They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition.
That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man.
As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it.
The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance.
They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.
.
04. The Book
You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages.
I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes.
I wanted my hard copy CD.
But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music.
The same thing will happen with books.
You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy.
And the price is less than half that of a real book.
And think of the convenience!
Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story.
.
05. The Land Line Telephone
Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore.
Most people keep it simply because they've always had it.
But you are paying double charges for that extra service.
All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes
.
06. Music
This is one of the saddest parts of the change story.
The music industry is dying a slow death.
Not just because of illegal downloading.
It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it.
Greed and corruption is the problem.
The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing.
Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalog items," meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with.
Older established artists.
This is also true on the live concert circuit.
To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, "Appetite for Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, "Before the Music Dies."
.
07. Television
Revenues to the networks are down dramatically.
Not just because of the economy.
People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers.
And they're playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV.
Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator.
Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds.
I say good riddance to most of it.
It's time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery.
Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.
.
08. The "Things" That You Own
Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future.
They may simply reside in "the cloud." Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents.
Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be.
But all of that is changing.
Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest "cloud services."
That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system.
So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet.
If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud.
If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud.
And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider.
In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device.
That's the good news.
But, will you actually own any of this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big "Poof?"
Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical?
It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.
.
09. Joined Handwriting (school no longer teaches cursive)
Already gone in some schools who no longer teach "joined handwriting" because nearly everything is done now on computers or keyboards of some type (pun not intended)
.
.
10. Privacy
If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy.
That's gone.
It's been gone for a long time anyway.
There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone.
But you can be sure that 24/7, "They" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View.
If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits.
"They" will try to get you to buy something else.
Again and again.
.
All we will have left that can't be changed are "Memories".
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WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:15,236
Points:3,112,985
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Mar 8, 2014 11:26:07 PM

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep it wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking."
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ladidaCA
Champion Author Orange County

Posts:8,363
Points:1,265,470
Joined:Sep 2010
Message Posted: Mar 8, 2014 12:02:56 AM

A business man is doing real good with his new product in Iran. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats. His business is doing so good..... how good you ask? Well, he says the prophets are going through the roof!
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babycatt116
Champion Author Massachusetts

Posts:5,279
Points:178,195
Joined:Jun 2013
Message Posted: Mar 5, 2014 1:46:25 PM

"Look! A dog!"
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 5, 2014 6:06:44 AM

The Drinking Alone Game
.
.
What You'll Need
1.One Deck of Cards
2.One Bottle of Red Wine
.
How It's Played
.
This is a fun twist on the classic card game Memory. Place the all cards face down and flip them over two at a time, trying to find a pair of matching numbers. Drink every time you don't get a match drink for a number of seconds equal to the sum of the numbers on the cards. This is a game that gets harder the more you drink. I mean, you're drinking to forget anyway. Why not make a game of it?
.
.
What You'll Need
1.One Red Solo Cup
2.One Ping Pong Ball
3.One String
4.One Case of Your Favorite Beer
.
How It's Played
.
This game gives new meaning to the name "Solo Cup." This grown up version of the classic children's game is the single man's answer to Beer Pong. All you need to do is attach one end of the string to the ball, and the other to the bottom of the cup. When it's all set up, go nuts trying to get the ball in the cup. Every time you fail to do so, you take a drink. This fun and simple game is sure bring you back to your childhood. It's also likely to make you wonder how you let your childhood self turn into the person you are today, but hey, That's what the beer's for, amiright?
.
.
What You'll Need
1.One DVD of The Notebook
2.One Case of Your Favorite Beer
.
How It's Played
.
For this game, all you need to do is open your beer, pop the DVD in the player and watch the movie with the following rules:
01.Take one sip every time every time Ryan Gosling kisses Rachel McAdams
02.Take one sip every time the movie cuts between past and present.
03.Take two sips every time the old lady does not know where she is.
04.Take one sip every time Ryan Gosling appears on screen shirtless.
05.Take two sips every time Ryan Gosling causes you to question your own sexuality.
06.Finish your beer every time you wonder if the reason you're still single is because you're actually a repressed homosexual.
07.Take one sip every time the movie causes you to cry.
08.Take two sips every time you start crying for reasons unrelated to the movie.
09.Take one sip every time you wonder why you can't find love like this.
10.Take two sips every time you wonder aloud why you can't find love like this.
11.Finish the case every time you decide the movie is too much for you to handle and snap the DVD in half.
.
.
What You'll Need
1.One Bottle of Your Favorite Liquor
2.One Shot Glass
.
How It's Played
.
This one is perfect for beginners. All you need to do is sit yourself in an empty room, preferably on a couch, although towels on a floor work equally well. (Bonus points if the room is also dark!) Once there, all you need to do comb through your past and think about all the things you wanted to do, but never did. Then, just take a shot every time you feel regret! You'll know the game is over when you're on your High School girlfriend's Facebook page, wondering what her new boyfriend gives her that you never could.

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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:22,658
Points:2,377,050
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 2, 2014 6:05:32 AM

Have You Got a Pen
.
.
I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really brutally ugly woman came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number sexy."
I replied "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes"
I replied "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."




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WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:15,236
Points:3,112,985
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Feb 28, 2014 5:22:08 PM

A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia and he didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out five flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling the flares, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”
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