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Author Topic: Laugh of the day Back to Topics
yourgas

Champion Author
Ontario

Posts:10,355
Points:1,890,335
Joined:Jan 2003
Message Posted: Jun 6, 2003 1:02:48 AM

Submit your story or joke of the day and give others a 'laugh of the day'

[Edited by: TB at 8/3/2005 1:23:29 PM EST]
REPLIES (newest first) Post a Reply
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 30, 2015 5:49:50 AM



DEAR KITTEN
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 28, 2015 10:39:12 PM




A CHURCH STORYA small church had a very attractive big busted organist,



and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.



Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.



They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.





So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the problem,



and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts,



which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons,



because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...



"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday"
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 28, 2015 5:39:50 AM

Thoughts Every Lady Who Shaves Her Legs Has Had
.
.
.
01. I’m feeling a little prickly today! Guess it’s time to break out the old Venus Deluxe Divine Mango Goddess 4.0.
02. Shoot, I’m down to my last cartridge.
03. It’s a little dull and there are a couple errant hairs stuck in the blades, but desperate times, desperate measures.
04. Besides, if I buy new razor blades this month I’ll have to give up something equally expensive.
05. Like food.
06. I get that there are other injustices in the world but WHY have we not addressed the egregious cost of buying those shitty little plastic things? Do dudes have to pay that much? Would I save more by waxing, or Nair-ing, or getting super-high-tech laser hair removal, like added up over time? THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY THAN THIS.
07. Whatever, I have to leave in half an hour.
08. Into the shower I go.
09. OK, whoever designed this bathroom has obviously never shaved a leg nor probably seen a human body.
10. Maybe if I prop my leg here…
11. And kind of rotate my body 45 degrees…
12. Ow ow omg no ow.
13. Wait, I’m home alone right now. What if I slip and fall and get paralyzed and drown and nobody finds my body until I’m a decomposing mess?
14. A DECOMPOSING MESS WITH HAIRY LEGS.
15. Is this really worth it? Dying alone and damp, all for the sake of some patriarchally imposed smooth patches of skin?
16. Ugh, but it just feels so damn GOOD.
17. This’ll work if I just kind of get into that weird yoga pose I always fake my way through during class and like, don’t breathe.
18. According to ~every magazine~, at this point I’m supposed to exfoliate.
19. Whatever that means.
20. Mmmm, hurts so good.
21. I won’t rest until I’ve stripped away a full layer of skin.
22. Like a fancy rich lady in a mountain-top spa.
23. Time for shaving cream.
24. Show me the person who has ever correctly dispensed the appropriate amount of shaving cream on the first try and I will show you a goddamn genius.
25. One swipe…
26. Two swipes…
27. Thr— JESUS CHRIST THAT STINGS.
28. I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
29. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME.
30. HOW DO I CONTAIN SO MUCH BLOOD IN A SINGLE ANKLE AM I DYING.
31. Ughh OK I still have to do the other leg. Maybe in the meantime I’ll stop hemorrhaging so much?
32. That wasn’t so bad. No gaping wounds on this leg, at least.
33. Time to pat down and dry off.
34. Oh, great, now there’s blood all over my favorite towel. Magical.
35. Gotta lotion up to prevent scaley horrible lizard skin.
36. AAAAAND I forgot to shave a whole strip.
37. There is literally just a 2-inch-wide patch of fuzz all the way down my left leg.
38. Should I try to fix it?
39. And risk more carnage?
40. Nahh, too lazy.
41. Besides, the universe clearly loathes me anyway, so who am I to stand in its way.
42. Guess I’ll just get dressed.
43. Mmm, my legs feel so deliciously smoothy-smooth. (Apart from that one patch.)
44. Just gliding through fabric like a fish through water.
45. That’s a gross comparison.
46. Whatevs.
47. With my clean-shaven legs, I can take on the world!
48. I can strut down the sidewalk with the confidence of 10,000 supermodels!
49. I can make out with ANYONE I WANT.
50. Wait.
51. Is that…already…stubble?!

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PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:17,964
Points:2,994,195
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Jan 26, 2015 3:41:12 PM

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in Wetaskiwin, Alberta who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby junior high schools. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Cold Lake prostitute who lives in Smokey Lake and is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel there.

My parents live in a suburb of Ponoka, and one of my sisters, who lives in Hobbema, is married to a Native transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana in Camrose, and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Calgary. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Drumheller for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his children in Bowden.

All things considered, my main problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin, who is a Leafs fan???

Signed, John (name withheld to protect the family name)


[Edited by: PnnyPnchr at 1/26/2015 3:41:50 PM EST]
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 26, 2015 5:21:14 AM

The Zombie Tabernacle Choir
.
.
Turn on your Sound and Click on a Zombie Head
.
.
ZOMBIE CHOIR
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 25, 2015 11:13:23 PM

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 25, 2015 5:38:51 AM

IF YOU ARE A CAR BUFF THIS IS EXTRAORDINARY....YOU WILL SPEND HOURS GOING OVER THIS..NO MATTER WHAT BRAND OF CAR YOU ENJOYED, IT'S REFERENCED IN THIS LINE UP.ONCE YOU START WATCHING THIS, IT IS LIKE A DRUG...A GOOD ONE...HAVE FUN...KEEP SMILING...
.
Enjoy, click on the video camera next to each item to view.
.
.
OLD CAR MOVIES

[Edited by: Hamish at 1/25/2015 5:40:14 AM EST]
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Foolingurself
Veteran Author California

Posts:264
Points:84,625
Joined:Aug 2008
Message Posted: Jan 24, 2015 3:57:01 PM

Knock, knock…….Zzzz Zzzzz.
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Babe4
Champion Author Flint

Posts:16,922
Points:3,219,035
Joined:Sep 2005
Message Posted: Jan 24, 2015 3:07:58 PM


For those in the path of the snow storm

2 feet of snow

[Edited by: Babe4 at 1/24/2015 3:12:18 PM EST]
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 24, 2015 5:32:19 AM



Kwik Kwak Kar Wash
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 23, 2015 9:50:41 PM



Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wit all dem lawsuits goin' on
I'm feelin' kinda left out. How do I get in on some of dat action?
I hears dat people are suin' da cigarette companies 'cause dey got cancer and others are suin' the Big Mac company cause dey got themselves fat and all kinds of stuff"!!



His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"The dear ol' Newfie, God bless his soul, answers...

"Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's Beer for all dem ugly women I woke up wit..."
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 23, 2015 5:35:42 AM

The Wedding Night Expectations
.
.
Expectations for the wedding night are high.
The goal is to have the best sex of your life in the swankiest hotel room you’ve ever stayed in — all while managing to keep your eyes open after an exceedingly exhausting day.
.
But that’s not always how things pan out.
Below are 21 first-person accounts of how newlyweds actually spent their very first night as husband and wife, according to Redditors and HuffPost readers.
.
01. ”Having not eaten all day due to stress and nerves, we realized we were STARVING, and ordered Chinese food from the only place open at 4 a.m.
We had more sex while waiting for food, then gorged ourselves on delicious Chinese food and fell asleep watching ‘Wayne’s World.’
It was actually awesome.”
.
02. ”She sat on the floor in front of me.
We watched TV while I took the 6,000 hairpins out of her hair.
It was a horrible game of pick-up sticks as they were all intertwined.
After that we crashed.”
.
03. ”We slept in separate beds! #HotelBookingError!”
.
04. ”We were married at the courthouse by the justice of the peace.
We went and had lunch afterwards, a beer, then picked up our 2-year-old and went home.
No fancy wedding, dress, or trip, but I married my best friend and that alone made it the best day of my life.”
.
05. ”It was chaste.
My in-laws got us a hotel room for the night in a cutesy inn.
The room was directly above theirs.”
.
06. ”We slept then woke up and ate cake naked in bed.”
.
07. ”We got back to the hotel, I carried her across the threshold, and we began to consummate our vows.
Moments after we started, there’s a knock at the door.
It’s my mom.
She then said we should both come down and visit with the family.
Not preferred.”
.
08. ”It was nearly 50 years ago, but it was one of the best days of my life.
We got married in the morning and after a short reception, we drove to a hotel about halfway to where we were stopping for the honeymoon.
We were both sexually inexperienced so it was great fun finding out together.”
.
09. ”Our room had this awesome giant shower with at least 15 different heads and sprayers.
We talked about how cool it was for like five minutes then went to bed.
My clothes didn’t make it to our hotel room so I had to walk-of-shame in my tux the next morning.”
.
10. ”Sleeping in my husband’s room at his parents’ house after Chick-fil-A for dinner!”
.
11. ”My wife was literally crying because I was taking too long to undo the 800 buttons on the back of her dress that was now hurting her shoulders too much to wear.

Then she cried as I pulled out the 8,000 hairpins.
A few strands of hair and 30 minutes later we attempted sex, both decided we were tired, said ‘f**k it,’ and went to bed cuddling.
Love that woman.”
.
12. ”We had been drinking for hours.
We ran into our room, had a decent quickie, ran out into the hallway where I declared in a loud, drunken whisper, ‘I don’t have panties on,’ while following our friends to an after-party in another hotel room.
Turns out my mom was behind me and howled with laughter, hugged me and told me I was the perfect daughter.
Then she handed me a bottle of whiskey and sent me off with my husband to brew a wicked hangover.”
.
13. ”We eloped without telling anyone and got married in the basement of the courthouse in Harrison, Arkansas.
Went home, wife went to her overnight job while I laid on the couch and watched TV.”
.
14. ”We had our hotel room the day before the wedding.
Got to the church, did our thing, had a blast at the reception.
We leave the reception, my bride tells me her period started at the church.
We walked around our favorite store and bought a new board game.
We played Monopoly and watched TV on the most comfortable bed we had ever slept on.”
.
15. ”We were exhausted and got to our hotel pretty late.
My wife dressed up in some sexy lingerie she got as a gift and we proceeded to crawl into bed.
We ate wedding food leftovers packed up for us and had a bottle of champagne and chocolate strawberries while our dog snuggled with us and begged for scraps.
It was perfect.”
.
16. ”No sex. Only sleep. Sweet, sweet sleep.”
.
17. ”I was eight-months pregnant when we got married.
I fell asleep around 10 p.m. and my husband stayed up watching TV.
I expected him to come in after a few hours so we could consummate our marriage.
Nope.
I woke up around 2:30 a.m. and he was still watching TV.
I couldn’t fall back asleep and so I leaned over to grab my iPad to read and that’s when my water broke.
Seven hours later we had our son.”
.
18. “You know how the back of a shampoo bottle says ‘lather, rinse, repeat’?
Well it was the adult version of that in our awesome hotel room with a late checkout to catch up on the sleeping part.”
.
19. ”My husband and I were both exhausted, so we crawled into our fancy hotel room bed.
About an hour after going to bed, I woke up vomiting and with horrible diarrhea.
Something I ate hadn’t settled well.
My husband held my hair back as I vomited, only reinforcing the reasons I married him in the first place.”
.
20. ”We had a snow-themed wedding, complete with the guests throwing fake snow at us when we left the reception.
It was EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t get it out of my crevices, including ‘down there,’ and I had to take three showers to get it off of me.
We also had to call housekeeping to bring us another set of sheets, because it was like sleeping on sand.
.
21. ”We had to stop at the drugstore to buy condoms. I was still in my wedding dress.”
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 22, 2015 11:35:42 PM

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...


Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied
survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just thetip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied,"Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
No need to thank me, I just try to learn something new every day.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 22, 2015 5:27:30 AM



Snail Bob Game
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chocolateflash
Champion Author Las Vegas

Posts:16,435
Points:3,111,390
Joined:Apr 2005
Message Posted: Jan 21, 2015 5:33:57 PM

Last night's "State of our Disunion" speech was the funniest thing I've been exposed to. Didn't listen to it, but reading the reactions is funny.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 20, 2015 5:47:12 AM

I Am Totally Screwed Up Now
.
.
As we move to the year 2015, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
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Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
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I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
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ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
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THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains AND hatches maggot larvae in pork.
.
I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
.
I no longer go to shopping complexes because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan ...
.
I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe.
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THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
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AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up the $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Brown Recluse Spider and my hand will fall off.
.
If you don't send this joke to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician ...
.
Oh, by the way.....
.
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
.
P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the lounge room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY......
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 19, 2015 9:50:13 PM

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
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m6gm
Champion Author Kentucky

Posts:21,535
Points:3,002,310
Joined:Aug 2004
Message Posted: Jan 18, 2015 4:56:47 PM

Years ago, I had a date with a hot girl I'd met a couple of weeks earlier. I shaved, showered, splashed on some cologne and got dressed before driving to her house. I rang the doorbell and when she answered the door, she sniffed and said "What do you have on"? I said "I've got a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it".
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 17, 2015 5:54:27 AM

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 15, 2015 5:59:44 AM

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 15, 2015 1:34:08 AM


A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.

One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.

Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start.”

“That’s excellent” says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house


with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......

”The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather

was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.”Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read.”
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 13, 2015 11:57:56 PM

Little Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada ... Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got bugger all for breakfast' .
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PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:17,964
Points:2,994,195
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Jan 12, 2015 2:29:32 PM

A group of golfing, fishing and business buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because
it wasn't far from the course, the waitresses were young, good looking, showed lots
of cleavage and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the
food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and
the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of
parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it
was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally
it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jan 11, 2015 5:58:09 AM

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..
There were four men ..........
.
One was walking briskly up the hill;
One was inside the brothel;
One was walking slowly down the hill and
The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.
.
What were the nationalities of the four men?

The man going up the hill: was Rushin
The man in the brothel: Him-a-layin
The man walking down the hill: was Finish
.
The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 10, 2015 8:24:50 AM

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug
her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:25,412
Points:3,905,615
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jan 9, 2015 12:03:08 PM

A mechanic told a heart surgeon that their jobs were the same, because they both repaired "bad valves". The surgeon told the mechanic to get back to him when he did the repairs while the engine was running.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 8, 2015 10:54:24 PM

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 6, 2015 9:30:59 PM

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jan 5, 2015 11:13:55 PM

When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn’t even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit,” and pointed one out. The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44, long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself, the salesman said, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe, and said, “34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, “How about some new shoes?” Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet, and said, “Let’s see 9 1/2 E.” Joe was astonished, “How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the sales man said, “How about some new underwear?” Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah he. I got you with this one! I’ve been wearing size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head and tutted, “No, no, sir, you can’t wear size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a terrible headache.” ooooopppppps...
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sirreal1984
All-Star Author Indianapolis

Posts:809
Points:1,022,310
Joined:Sep 2011
Message Posted: Dec 31, 2014 10:32:46 AM

Nice one Dad.

[Edited by: sirreal1984 at 12/31/2014 10:34:15 AM EST]
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CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:43,307
Points:3,923,430
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Dec 29, 2014 9:33:40 AM


How to read the symbols on your car's dashboard
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 25, 2014 2:52:54 PM

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate … A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 25, 2014 9:06:22 AM


Joyeux Noel & Happy & healthy New Year !!
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:25,412
Points:3,905,615
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Dec 25, 2014 7:43:37 AM

Merry Christmas
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I75at7AM
Champion Author Dayton

Posts:74,873
Points:3,173,470
Joined:Feb 2006
Message Posted: Dec 24, 2014 4:09:00 PM

A great gag gift is to send Frosty the Snowman an empty five gallon bucket....
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:25,412
Points:3,905,615
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Dec 24, 2014 11:50:21 AM

An honest politician, an ethical lawyer, and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??

Santa! The other two don't exist!
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 20, 2014 11:03:35 PM

Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 18, 2014 9:50:21 PM


Facts

We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 12, 2014 5:37:36 AM


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the car trunk.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 11, 2014 3:31:43 PM

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.


The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone
out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial
memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"


The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".


He began his series of questions.


Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".


Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".


Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"


Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 10, 2014 5:27:07 AM

My friend and I were eating our lunch in our cafe, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 9, 2014 11:21:34 PM


This is a fine example of a Newfoundlander’s way with words.......
Jarge (George) texts his wife,
”Just avin' one more pint wit da boy's. If I ain't home in 20 minutes, read dis again!"
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 8, 2014 6:08:32 AM

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:25,412
Points:3,905,615
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Dec 6, 2014 7:22:02 PM

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 5, 2014 5:42:55 AM

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east And has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 3, 2014 5:53:21 AM

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(Do you work with professionals like this?)
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 2, 2014 5:54:38 AM

One day I was walking down the beach with Some friends when someone shouted.....'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
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Sheila13296
Champion Author Ohio

Posts:1,110
Points:130,040
Joined:Apr 2011
Message Posted: Nov 30, 2014 7:38:24 PM

Little Known Christmas Fact
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,116
Points:2,443,465
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Nov 30, 2014 5:35:42 AM

While working at a pizza shop I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Nov 29, 2014 11:05:00 PM

The Winter Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this





Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said: "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced: "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream: "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said: "They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the bootsBACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked: "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said: "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."



She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:546
Points:3,514,900
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Nov 29, 2014 4:49:25 PM

A Regional Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car,

In lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman

In the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The cop asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the police officer is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The cop then asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
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