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Author Topic: Laugh of the day Back to Topics
yourgas

Champion Author
Ontario

Posts:10,355
Points:1,889,560
Joined:Jan 2003
Message Posted: Jun 6, 2003 1:02:48 AM

Submit your story or joke of the day and give others a 'laugh of the day'

[Edited by: TB at 8/3/2005 1:23:29 PM EST]
REPLIES (newest first) Post a Reply
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 20, 2014 11:03:35 PM

Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 18, 2014 9:50:21 PM


Facts

We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 12, 2014 5:37:36 AM


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the car trunk.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 11, 2014 3:31:43 PM

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.


The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone
out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial
memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"


The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.
The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".


He began his series of questions.


Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".


Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".


Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"


Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 10, 2014 5:27:07 AM

My friend and I were eating our lunch in our cafe, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Dec 9, 2014 11:21:34 PM


This is a fine example of a Newfoundlander’s way with words.......
Jarge (George) texts his wife,
”Just avin' one more pint wit da boy's. If I ain't home in 20 minutes, read dis again!"
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 8, 2014 6:08:32 AM

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:24,713
Points:3,856,115
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Dec 6, 2014 7:22:02 PM

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 5, 2014 5:42:55 AM

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east And has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 3, 2014 5:53:21 AM

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(Do you work with professionals like this?)
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Dec 2, 2014 5:54:38 AM

One day I was walking down the beach with Some friends when someone shouted.....'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
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Sheila13296
Champion Author Ohio

Posts:1,089
Points:129,220
Joined:Apr 2011
Message Posted: Nov 30, 2014 7:38:24 PM

Little Known Christmas Fact
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Nov 30, 2014 5:35:42 AM

While working at a pizza shop I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Nov 29, 2014 11:05:00 PM

The Winter Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this





Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said: "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced: "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream: "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said: "They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the bootsBACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked: "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said: "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."



She'll be eligible for parole in three years.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Nov 29, 2014 4:49:25 PM

A Regional Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car,

In lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman

In the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The cop asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the police officer is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The cop then asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
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WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:16,326
Points:3,447,635
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Nov 25, 2014 5:52:10 PM

After almost 30 years as a cop, I landed my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees.

I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Don't be f--king stupid. Of course they aren't twins.

The oldest one's 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work...

[Edited by: WSpaceport at 11/25/2014 5:52:53 PM EST]
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Nov 25, 2014 5:30:23 AM

Did you know - https://www.mathway.com/ - Solves any kind of math problem, from basic math to chemical equations.
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:24,713
Points:3,856,115
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Nov 24, 2014 5:04:51 PM

An 80 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to him, and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” The old man replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.” The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Nov 21, 2014 6:07:40 AM

Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said,
"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said,
"No darling, he must pay for his mistake.
I am coming to live with you."
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CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:42,663
Points:3,875,930
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Nov 16, 2014 12:19:52 PM

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C) · Californians shiver uncontrollably. · Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) · Floridians buy down parkas and cry a lot... · Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C) · American water freezes · Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) · New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. · Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) · Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. · Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C) · Carbon dioxide freezes & makes dry ice. · Canadians pull down their earflaps & zip up their parka.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) · Ethyl alcohol freezes. · Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C) · Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. · Canadians start saying "pretty cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C) · Hell freezes over. · The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
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Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:23,975
Points:2,036,775
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Nov 8, 2014 12:21:58 AM

Ss
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Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:23,975
Points:2,036,775
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Nov 8, 2014 12:21:49 AM

Ss
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Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:23,975
Points:2,036,775
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Nov 8, 2014 12:21:38 AM

Ss
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CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:42,663
Points:3,875,930
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Nov 7, 2014 9:07:36 AM


The bliss of anti-science
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Nov 7, 2014 5:34:15 AM

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home.
You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Nov 5, 2014 10:55:18 PM

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Nov 5, 2014 12:57:55 PM

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome ..
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David.

Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope.

He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David.

After a few minutes, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country”.

"This city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross."

"In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Bernie, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
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glorioussnookie
Champion Author Tennessee

Posts:5,919
Points:1,130,175
Joined:Feb 2010
Message Posted: Nov 2, 2014 8:25:06 AM

Last night we were supposed to turn our clocks back for the time change .

I tried turning my clocks back 20 years, gee It didn't work, I look the same and so does everything!! Will try again next year hehe!!!

Hope you have a splendid day and if you turned your clock back 20 years and it worked, let me know!!!

Hugs and TOL!!!!
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Oct 31, 2014 6:00:00 AM

Eating in the Fifties
.
.
.
Pasta had not been invented.
It was macaroni or spaghetti.
.
Curry was a surname.
.
A take-away was a mathematical problem.
.
Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.
.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
.
All chips were plain.
.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
.
Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.
.
None of us had ever heard of yogurt.
.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
.
Cooking outside was called camping.
.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
.
'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.
.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
.
Prunes were medicinal.
.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available.
It was called cattle feed.
.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
.
Water came out of the tap.
If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it they would have become a laughing stock.
.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties...was elbows!
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Babe4
Champion Author Flint

Posts:16,638
Points:3,169,635
Joined:Sep 2005
Message Posted: Oct 30, 2014 1:57:46 PM

.
Is there sex after death?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and...
inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times...

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud of me I eat lots of green vegetables).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest
of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until
late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts
all over again."

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina ."

.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Oct 26, 2014 11:13:45 PM


The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman
asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Oct 19, 2014 10:22:00 AM

good one WSpaceport, keep them comming !
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WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:16,326
Points:3,447,635
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Oct 17, 2014 9:56:21 AM

Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light." The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time."

So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?" The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time."

They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time."

So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?"

The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Oct 13, 2014 5:34:04 AM

CAPTCHA is an acronym for “Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart”
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PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:17,837
Points:2,962,880
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Oct 11, 2014 5:11:58 PM

OLD TIMERS BAR IN FLORIDA
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Lakeland, Florida.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.

They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Orlando," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, “They’re retired people from CANADA. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons..."
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Glasman
Champion Author South Carolina

Posts:11,814
Points:1,346,425
Joined:Nov 2006
Message Posted: Oct 11, 2014 1:44:57 PM

never underestimate stupid people in a large crowd...

Obozo was elected.......... TWICE.
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I75at7AM
Champion Author Dayton

Posts:74,468
Points:3,123,325
Joined:Feb 2006
Message Posted: Oct 11, 2014 8:43:04 AM

A Star Trek Conundrum
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
 
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
 
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"
 
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
 
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because Star Trek takes place in the future."
 
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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:19,311
Points:3,523,715
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Oct 10, 2014 1:32:26 PM

I went to Buffalo Wild Wings last night with some buds to watch the football game. We had a lot of beer and wings.

I didn't realize a lot of wings can leave you with such a tremendous headache the next day.
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CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:42,663
Points:3,875,930
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Oct 8, 2014 5:59:24 PM


A cop is sitting at the side of the road one day looking for speeders when he sees a panel van weaving down the road. He puts on his lights and siren and pulls the van over a little further down the road.

"Morning, sir. I noticed you weaving all over the road there. What's the problem?"

"Sorry about that, officer. It's penguins."

"Penguins?"

"Yes, penguins. Lots of them, in the back."

They walk round to the back of the van, the man opens the door and it's full of penguins bouncing angrily around in the back. "You see, I won them in a poker game last night and now I don't really know what to do with them. They don't seem very happy in here."

"No sir, I can imagine they wouldn't be. My advice would be to take them to the zoo."

"That's good advice, officer. I'll go there right away."

The following morning, the cop is sitting in the same place when he sees the same van weaving down the road again. On go the lights and siren, and he pulls the van over again.

"Morning, sir. Let me guess. Penguins, right?"

"Yes officer, I'm afraid so."

"Show me."

The man opens up the back door and sure enough it's full of penguins, although this time they all appear to be wearing sunglasses and kicking plastic buckets around.

"I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?"

"I did officer, but today they want to go to the beach."
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Oct 7, 2014 5:47:35 AM

Google has a semi-secret facility known as Google X dedicated to making major technological advancements.
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Cuddling releases oxytocin, known as the “feel good” hormone. It increases happiness levels and relieves stress.
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All the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” read 4:20.
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A duel between three people is called a “truel.”
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Bubble wrap was originally supposed to be used as wallpaper.
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Where the Wild Things Are was originally “Where the Wild Horses Are” before author Maurice Sendak realized he didn’t know how to draw horses.
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Penguins can drink salt water because they have a supraorbital gland, which lets them filtrate the salt from the water.
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In 1778 George Washington celebrated Independence day by giving his soldiers a double ration of rum.
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A 80 year old Russian man once fought a bear with a flurry of punches, kicks, and headbutts before the bear threw him off of a cliff. He survived.
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Shanghai’s population is 24 million, more than the entire population of Australia, packed into a city half the size of Sydney.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Oct 4, 2014 6:51:01 AM

Johnny Depp plans on having his cremated remains poured into a cask of whiskey, and requests every attendee at his funeral to take a sip.
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Pirates wore eye patches to have one eye adjusted for the top deck and the other already adjusted for the darkness when going below deck.
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There are 7 different kinds of twins: Identical, Fraternal, Half-Identical, Mirror Image, Mixed Chromosome, Superfecundation, Superfetation
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Angelina Jolie admitted that she still has a pair of Maleficent’s horns at home.
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Bees don’t hibernate in the winter. Instead they form a ball in their hives and vibrate to keep warm.
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Warm colors such as yellow, orange and red make you hungry & more relaxed - Which is why many fast food restaurants are yellow, orange and red.
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LEGO is the world’s number one tire manufacturer. They produce over 306 million tiny tires in a year.
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The creator of Pringles chips was buried in a Pringles can.
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Charlize Theron’s alcoholic father threatened her and her mother while drunk, her mother shot and killed him, and was cleared of all charges
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Each year Canada Post receives a million letters addressed to “Santa Claus, The North Pole, H0H 0H0”. They reply to every one.
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Sep 25, 2014 5:38:35 AM



CATS
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CheePio
Champion Author Columbus

Posts:19,311
Points:3,523,715
Joined:May 2005
Message Posted: Sep 23, 2014 2:25:04 PM

Two guys are at the backyard fence arguing back and forth.

"Mine's bigger than yours!"

"No it isn't, mine's bigger!"

"Well, let's just get the tape measures out and check 'em!"

You know they were talking about the size of their decks.
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ladidaCA
Champion Author Orange County

Posts:9,793
Points:1,622,295
Joined:Sep 2010
Message Posted: Sep 23, 2014 7:16:22 AM

HUH?

Quote of the day, no, of the week, make that a month. Yet it probably is quote of the year ! No. DECADE. Wait a minute. It's the greatest quote ever !“My accomplishments as Secretary of State? Well, I'm glad you asked! My proudest accomplishment in which I take the most pride, mostly because of the opposition it faced early on, you know… the remnants of prior situations and mindsets that were too narrowly focused in a manner whereby they may have overlooked the bigger picture and we didn’t do that and I’m proud of that. Very proud. I would say that’s a major accomplishment.”

- Hillary Clinton 11 March 2014Could someone please tell me what the h!!l she just said? And she may be running for President
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jdhelm
Champion Author Iowa

Posts:16,713
Points:1,878,365
Joined:Dec 2009
Message Posted: Sep 22, 2014 1:13:30 PM

Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
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SE3.5
Champion Author Indianapolis

Posts:24,713
Points:3,856,115
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Sep 22, 2014 8:26:29 AM

If we all think "outside the box", aren't we just thinking inside a bigger box?
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ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:516
Points:3,469,200
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Sep 21, 2014 12:16:00 AM


On average, a Canadian man will have sex two to three times a week;

whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

This is upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.
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CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:42,663
Points:3,875,930
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Sep 9, 2014 9:16:54 PM


I got in touch with my inner self today.
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I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.
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WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:16,326
Points:3,447,635
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Sep 9, 2014 12:05:38 AM

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
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Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:23,916
Points:2,434,770
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Sep 7, 2014 6:32:30 AM

Facts You Probably Didn’t Know About "The Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy
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01. Nicolas Cage passed up the role of Aragorn because of “family obligations.”
02. Daniel Day-Lewis also turned down the role multiple times.
03. The same fight choreographer and fencer who worked on Lord of the Rings also worked on The Parent Trap and Star Wars.
04. And he said that Viggo Mortensen was “the best swordsman [he] ever trained.”
05. Mortensen did all of his own stunts and used a real steel sword while filming, rather than one made from aluminum and rubber like the rest of the cast.
06. Sean Connery was originally offered the role of Gandalf, but had never read the books and “didn’t understand the script.”
07. Connery was offered up to 15% of the film’s total box office receipts, which would have been about $400 million (more than any other actor has ever been paid for a single role).
08. Bret McKenzie, of Flight of the Conchords, played an unnamed elf in two of the films. Fans named his character Figwit, which stands for “Frodo Is Great…Who Is That?” He even has his own documentary.
09. Sean Bean is afraid of riding in helicopters, so he chose to take a ski lift in full Boromir costume and then walk the rest of the way to the set.
10. J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis had a tumultuous friendship in real life.
11. Tolkien typed all 1,200 pages of The Lord of the Rings with two fingers.
12. Samwise Gamgee’s daughter in The Return of the King is played by his real-life daughter, Alexandra.
13. Peter Jackson’s daughter has multiple cameos throughout the movies, such as a young Hobbit, a Helm’s Deep refugee, and a child in Minas Tirith.
14. Tolkien’s daughter has said she believes her father’s description of the Dead Marshes is actually a description of his experience in World War I.
15. Tolkien’s gravestone is engraved with “Beren,” and his wife’s with “Luthien,” after the love story of the mortal man and immortal elf-maiden.
16. Freshmen at University of California, Irvine, can opt to live in a dorm named Middle Earth, where the halls are named after towns or regions from Lord of the Rings.
17. John-Rhys Davies, the actor who plays Gimli, is also the voice of Man Ray on Spongebob Squarepants.
18. Merry was originally called “Marmaduke Brandybuck,” but thankfully Tolkein changed it.
19. In The Fellowship of the Ring, when Gandalf had his big standoff scene with the Balrog, Ian McKellen was actually acting to a ping pong ball.
20. The mountains on Titan, Saturn’s moon, are named in honor of Tolkien’s work.
21. Back in the ’60s, the Beatles wanted to make a movie adaptation of Lord of the Rings, with Stanley Kubrick directing, but Tolkien killed the project.
22. Christopher Lee, the actor who plays Saruman, has recorded and released several metal albums. Including a Christmas album.
23. He’s also the only cast member to have met Tolkien. He met him by chance at a bar in Oxford.
24. Tolkien believed Sam was the “chief hero” of the story.
25. The queen of Denmark illustrated the Danish edition of The Lord of The Rings under the pseudonym Ingahild Grathmer.
26. While filming a fight scene, Viggo Mortensen chipped a tooth, went to the dentist during his lunch break, and then started shooting again the same day.
27. The Nazgul’s screeches were made by sound technicians scraping Target plastic cups together.
28. Ian McKellen and Elijah Wood never actually filmed a scene together in person.
29. If you stood all the chain mail made for the movie adaptations side by side, it would stretch more than 6 miles.
30. Andy Serkis said he based Gollum’s desperation and cravings on the withdrawal of heroin addicts.
31. The Battle of Helm’s Deep (The Battle of the Hornburg) took four months to shoot, all of it at night.
32. Tolkien sold the film rights to The Lord of the Rings in 1969 for £10,000.
33. About 18,000 costumes were created from scratch for the film’s trilogy, and between 30 and 40 of the same costume were created for each main character.
34. The Return of the King holds the record for highest movie body count, tallying in at 836 (not including animals).

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WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:16,326
Points:3,447,635
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Sep 3, 2014 8:20:57 PM

There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better.

The first blonde takes the radio and says, "If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music."

The second blonde decides to take a wheel, "In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled."

The third blonde takes the car door, "In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!"
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