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Author Topic: Laugh of the day Back to Topics

Champion Author

Joined:Jan 2003
Message Posted: Jun 6, 2003 1:02:48 AM

Submit your story or joke of the day and give others a 'laugh of the day'

[Edited by: TB at 8/3/2005 1:23:29 PM EST]
REPLIES (newest first) Post a Reply
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 30, 2014 5:37:44 AM

Moving Puzzle
If you can put this puzzle together, you can say goodbye to Alzheimer's!
This is really clever and a bit challenging.
As we older people are concerned with Alzheimer's disease, this puzzle may help dispel some fear.
It's easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease.
Give it a try.
If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you, then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's.
Just remember, if you can put this puzzle together, you do not have to fear Alzheimer's!
A really neat puzzle!!
Take the Test
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David H
Champion Author Albany

Joined:Aug 2004
Message Posted: Jul 26, 2014 3:52:08 PM


A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings.
Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
She says, “Do we have a deal if I turn around first?”
He says, “No.”
She says, “At least, let this be our little secret.”
Says he, “You’ve got a deal.”
After thinking for a moment and checking for passersby and seeing none, the woman slowly and still reluctantly drops her towel and stands naked in front of him, making no attempt to cover herself.
He looks for a few seconds, gives her $500 dollars, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs.
Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"
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Champion Author San Bernardino

Joined:Mar 2004
Message Posted: Jul 25, 2014 5:58:41 AM

Do you think politicians behinds are jealous of their mouths with all the crap that comes out of them?
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Champion Author San Bernardino

Joined:Mar 2004
Message Posted: Jul 25, 2014 5:54:11 AM

I had given up of golf, but decided to play a round the other day.

I was four under.

One under a tree, one under a rock, one under a bush and one underwater.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 24, 2014 5:27:53 AM

Cat Quotes
"You can't help that. We're all mad here." - The Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland
"No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain
"With their qualities of cleanliness, discretion, affection, patience, dignity, and courage, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats?" - Fernand Mery Her Majesty the Cat
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine
Actually, cats do this to protect you from gnomes who come and steal your breath while you sleep. - John Dobbin
Don't think that I'm silly for liking it, I just happen to like the simple little things, and I love cats! - Michelle Gardner
Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, whiz on your owner. - Gary Smith
Fans think they want to see more than the 10 to 20 seconds of Itchy and Scratchy that we put on the show, but my feeling is less is more. Once you've skinned and flayed a cat, ripped his head off, made him drink acid and tied his tongue to the moon, there really isn't that much to say. - Matt Groening, 1993
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. - Pablo Picasso
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Winston Churchill
I'm aloof, I like to run around outside, but I also like to curl up in warm spots. I eat fish. - Megan Coughlin on why she'd make a good cat
The naming of cats is a difficult matter. It isn't just one of your holiday games. You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter. When I tell you a cat must have three different names... - T.S. Eliot
The sun rose slowly, like a fiery furball coughed up uneasily onto a sky-blue carpet by a giant unseen cat. - Michael McGarel
We need a word for all the kitty-prints that are all over my windshield because the cats like to lie on my hood when the car is still warm. - Megan Coughlin
When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her? - Montaigne
You can visualize a hundred cats. Beyond that, you can't. Two hundred, five hundred, it all looks the same. - Jack Wright (of Kingston, Ontario, the Guinness Book record holder for the owner of the most cats at one time [689])
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. - Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
"After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference."- Charlotte Gray
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Champion Author Indianapolis

Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jul 21, 2014 4:20:48 PM

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church, The Catholic Church, and The Jewish Synagogue. Each was overrun with pesky squirrels.

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. They determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's will.

The Baptist Church squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow, and there were twice as many the next week.

The Methodist Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The Catholic Church came up with the best solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

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Champion Author Rochester

Joined:Oct 2007
Message Posted: Jul 20, 2014 7:10:22 AM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
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Champion Author California

Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Jul 18, 2014 6:46:39 PM

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, "Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world."

Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
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Champion Author Indianapolis

Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jul 15, 2014 10:43:31 AM

An old man limped into his doctor's office.
He said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad I can hardly walk."
Doc asked, "how old are you?"
Old man said, "90."
Doc sighed and said, "you are 90 and complaining about knee pain. What do you expect?"
Old man said, "My other knee is 90, too. It doesn't hurt."
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Champion Author London

Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jul 11, 2014 2:10:39 PM

An American minister goes to the Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem and is astounded to see in one enclosure a lion and a lamb. Unable to contain himself, he rushes to the director’s office. “I must tell you how wonderful this is,” he exclaims. “Here we are in this violent, hate-filled land, yet I see, as the Biblical prophecy of Isaiah has it, a lion and a lamb lying down together. How do you do it?”

The director shrugs. “Easy. Every morning we toss in another lamb.”
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jul 10, 2014 10:11:45 PM

keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
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Champion Author Tennessee

Joined:Feb 2010
Message Posted: Jul 10, 2014 8:32:30 PM

I am really laughing about the Whole Foods shopping trip, sounds just like me!!

Needed that laugh !!
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 5, 2014 5:50:59 AM

Thoughts Everyone Has At Whole Foods
01. I will run in and purchase this one ingredient that I need for this recipe.
02. Probably don’t need a basket.
03. How do I pronounce it?
04. Za’atar.
05. Za-ah-tahr?
06. I’ll know it when I see it.
07. Hooray a sample!
08. Of bean crisps?
09. Dried beans?
10. Caesar dressing-flavoured dried beans?
11. I shall try them.
12. Oh! These are delicious.
14. I will not purchase.
15. But I will try 17 more, thanks.
16. OK, Za’atar, where are you?
17. Are you by the fruit and veg?
18. No, but those avocadoes look amazing.
19. So ripe!
20. How are they so perfectly ripe!
21. Witchcraft!
22. Expensive expensive witchcraft.
23. Perhaps I will buy an avocado.
24. As a treat.
25. Such a healthy treat.
26. There are so many soy products.
27. Is soy good for you?
28. Should I be eating more soy?
29. What is soy?
30. Am I soy?
31. Soy soy soy.
32. Oooh olive oil tasting.
33. The tasting assistant is very handsome.
34. I hope I will impress him with my olive oil knowledge.
35. Oil one — mmm, oily, olivey?
36. (smile at the assistant)
37. Oil two — mmm, olivey?
38. (smile nervously at the assistant)
39. I don’t actually know what the difference is between them.
40. This bread is nice though.
41. I will just take a bottle of the first one, and put it back later.
42. That is the easiest way out of this.
43. I must make sure I don’t actually buy it.
44. It is very expensive.
45. And it is just oil.
46. There are so many butters.
47. Peanut butter?
48. Almond butter?
49. Cashew butter?
50. Hazelnut butter?
51. Butter?
52. I seem to be carrying quite a few things now.
53. Perhaps it’s time to run back and get a basket.
54. What is carob?
55. Is it different to cocoa nibs?
56. Is it better than cocoa nibs?
57. Do I care about organic beer?
58. I think so?
59. Maybe I should buy some and do a taste test.
60. For science.
61. I am so hungry.
62. I should have eaten before I came here.
63. Perhaps I’ll just pick up something from the salad bar.
64. I will be smart about it though.
65. No dead weight.
66. Looking at you, potatoes.
67. Stacking that tofu.
68. Light and airy tofu.
69. But those potatoes look so good.
70. Maybe one. Or two.
71. And broccoli, naturally.
72. Weighing it.
73. Crossing fingers.
74. !!!!!!!!!!
75. Take out the potatoes.
76. Time to go pay.
77. Do not purchase anything else.
78. Kombucha!
79. I have always wondered about Kombucha.
80. Such a fun word to say.
81. Like the name of a new dance craze.
82. Kom-boo-cha.
83. Is it good for me?
84. It must be.
85. I will just buy a small bottle.
86. For my health.
87. My body will thank me.
88. Time to pay.
89. Put the olive oil back on the shelf.
90. How much is this going to cost?
91. It’s only six items.
92. It won’t be too bad.
93. !!!!!!!!!!
94. Just pay and go.
95. I will relish this kombucha and this carob.
96. It will fortify me.
97. It better do, as I am not buying any more groceries this week.
98. Oh. Damnit.
99. I forgot the za’atar.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jul 3, 2014 5:48:06 AM

Mens Rules vs Womens Rules
Men’s Rules For Women
Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.
Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun, formation or motorcycles.
Shopping is something we will never enjoy.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
Women’s Rules For Men
Don’t lie.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
Don’t expect her to clean up after YOUR buddies have been over.
The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is tacky.
Unless she likes that sort of thing.
If you ARE going to get her lingerie, get her the kind of things SHE likes to wear – NOT what YOU’D like to see her in.
And for god’s sake, get her size right. It’s not THAT hard.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
If you don’t want another mother, don’t act like a child.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Don’t buy the $9.99/dozen roses on the way home — They tell her you are not only unimaginative, you’re cheap.
Her cooking is excellent.
That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
You are a capable adult. Don’t feign incompetence around the house in some feeble attempt to get her to "do it for you".
Notice when the floor crunches beneath your feet. You too can learn to use a broom (or vaccuum).
Dishsoap is your friend.
Learn to clean in and around a toilet. Especially since YOU are the one who "misses" it.
Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
Five O’Clock stubble has all the erotic qualities of sandpaper.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
You too, can learn to iron your shirts.
Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
Two words: clean socks.
Two MORE words: clean underwear.
Believe it or not, you’re probably NOT more attractive when you’re drunk.
Burping is not sexy.
Farting ceases to be funny after the 7th grade.
Making excuses for being an ass is bad. Learning how to admit you were wrong and apologize, is good.
Supportive is good. Patronizing is bad.
She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
Ditto for your discourse on football.
Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
She might show more interest in YOUR hobbies if you genuinely show some interest in HERS.
"Will you marry me?" is good. "Let’s shack up together" is bad.
Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
"But, we kiss…" is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
Basic courtesy and respect for feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
Always, always suck up to her brother.
The underwear your mother buys you is NOT sexy.
Think boxers.
Silk boxers.
Unless you have a GQ body. Then think French Cut. Silk French Cut.
Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
Don’t expect HER to remember your mother’s birthday or buy the gift.
Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
Learn to dress yourself. Men’s clothing comes in more colors than blue, black and grey, and more styles than t-shirts and jeans.
Her haircut is never bad.
Don’t let your friends pick on her.
Don’t ask her to fix your friends up with HER friends.
Don’t lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 29, 2014 6:19:17 AM

Marriage Jokes
You may be married, but you don‘t have to grow up! Congratulations on your wedding!
2 become 1: one bed, one remote, one bathroom! Congratulations on your union as life partners!
Marriage ain't for sissies! Gongrats on your first big step together.
You got together like two beans in a pod! Joy forever!
Congrats for signing your life away...
Welcome to the dangerous world of married life. It‘s too late to repent! Have an amazing journey!
Do you know what late nights, parties and weekend hanging out with friends have in common? You won’t have all of them from now on...
Marriage marks the end of a love story and the start of a wrestling match. Wishing you the very best of everything anyway.
In life we should always keep our eyes wide open. However, after marriage it‘s better to close them! Congratulations and Good Luck!
As you wed today, here's my advice for the newlyweds - stay married! The best is yet to be!
Why marry when jumping in front of a train is easier and faster?! Just kidding! Hope your wedding finds you smiling.
Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. Now you will'be be mad at each other as well.
I'll tell you the secret of a happy marriage. It remains... a secret to all! Wishing you all the best for the times ahead!
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 28, 2014 5:48:18 AM

The Politician and Hell
So a politician dies…
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you’re a politician…" "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell.
After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!""Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them’s the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears…
And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in Hell.
Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing.
Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C’mon, wakey wakey, we’ve only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I’m Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But… Where’s all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we’ve been a bit mis-represented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside…" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It’s one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there’s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep…
And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It’s Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I’d prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What’s this??" He cries. "Where’s the hotel?? Where’s my wife??? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…"

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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 27, 2014 6:07:18 AM

Things No British Person Can Say Without Sounding Sarcastic
01. Wow.
02. Thanks for the input.
03. Good for you.
04. Good luck with that.
05. Good job.
06. No, the burnt bits are actually the best bits.
07. No, the meal’s been fine.
08. Cool.
09. That’s nice.
10. I can’t wait to do that.
11. I’m sure it’ll be fine, generally the wound cleans itself.
12. Well done.
13. Really, genuinely well done.
14. You should definitely go out with them. I’m sure they’re great.
15. That sounds fun.
16. Awesome.
17. Think this has all gone well.
18. Actually, most crocodiles give up pretty quickly, so don’t worry about it.
19. I’m pretty happy with that.
20. How exciting.
21. That’s very funny.
22. I float pretty well. It’ll be totally OK, you take the life-jacket.
23. I’m ecstatic.
24. This is really very exciting.
25. The big red button is a different way to go, but I’m sure it’ll pan out.
26. Oh, really?
27. If you want to go to that restaurant, I’m happy to.
28. Don’t worry about it.
29. That is fascinating.
30. Brilliant idea.
31. I really can’t wait to do that.
32. I’m really happy for you.
33. Sure, take a selfie, we can deal with the ostriches later.
34. Most of the mongooses aren’t rabid, so I’m sure we can make a break for it.
35. I am genuinely looking forward to it.
36. It’s fine, I really don’t mind.
37. Hilarious.
38. Thanks a lot.
39. I’ll make a note of that.
40. No, no, you go first.
41. I’ve had a great time.
42. Take your time.
43. Praying to Cthulhu, is an option, of course.
44. There’s no hurry.
45.When you’re ready.
46. Nice to know.
47. I love you.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 26, 2014 6:01:34 AM

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

[Edited by: Hamish at 6/26/2014 6:02:55 AM EST]
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 25, 2014 5:51:52 AM

Thoughts Everyone Has While Using Netflix
01. Ah, finally a quiet night to watch something from my Netflix queue.
02. Let me just pull up what I have saved and…
03. Wow. I have a lot of stuff on here.
04. When did I add Cheers?
05. And when did I watch four episodes of it?
06. I should probably use this time to watch a classic.
07. Chinatown? Eh, don’t know if I want start that right now.
08. Das Boot? Nah, don’t really feel like reading subtitles.
09. I know! A documentary.
10. A documentary on child trafficking? No thanks.
11. How about one where they uncover a grisly murder?
12. Why is every documentary I’ve added so morbid?
13. Maybe I should just add something new.
14. Let’s see what’s in New Releases.
15. Wait, what’s the difference between New Releases and Recently Added?
16. I’m thinking too hard about this.
17. I’ll check New Releases, just to be safe, though.
18. How have I seen every new release already? There has to be something I haven’t seen.
19. Apparently not.
20. I haven’t seen Blackfish yet.
21. But do I really want to see killer whales being tortured at SeaWorld? No.
22. I’ll just check out some other categories.
23. Why do I now have a Steamy Romances category?
24. Oh, yeah. Forgot I watched Cruel Intentions drunk the other night.
25. Maybe I’m going at this all wrong.
26. I should just check out the genres I’m interested in.
27. A comedy sounds good.
28. How are there so many comedies on here and none of them look funny?
29. I guess I could watch Say Anything for the umpteenth time.
30. But I want to watch something new!
31. ::: screams into pillow :::
32. Fuck it, I’ll just watch Top Gun.
33. ::: searches Top Gun :::
34. What the…? It was just here not that long ago?
36. No I don’t want to “explore titles related to Top Gun.” I want Top Gun.
37. And what’s up with just having sequels and not the original, Netflix?
38. I’m thinking of The Blue Lagoon fiasco, of course.
39. OK, if a movie isn’t going to happen then a new TV show it is.
40. Let’s see… Breaking Bad?
41. Seen it.
42. House of Cards?
43. Binged it.
44. Sherlock.
45. Watched it. Twice.
46. Oh! Is True Detective on here?
47. No?
49. Why can’t Netflix and HBO just be friends?!
50. Fine, back to my queue.
51. I should finish watching The Road, but I know that’s only going to devastate me.
52. I could jump back into where I left off with The West Wing.
53. Or The Following.
54. Or Luther.
55. Why is it so hard to find something I want to watch?
56. Why isn’t the perfect option not just showing up like I want it to?
57. How come whatever I want to watch is never on here?!
59. Wait, what’s burning?
60. Shit, forgot about that DiGiorno in the oven.
61. ::: takes burnt pizza out of oven :::
62. Screw it. I’ll just see what’s on TV instead.
63. ::: sadly takes bite of charred pizza :::
64. ::: proceeds to eat the whole thing :::
65. Actually, let me just check Netflix one more time.

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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 24, 2014 6:04:59 AM

Stay Off Your Bicycle
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 22, 2014 6:06:54 AM

How The Internet Got Started - According To The Bible.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying
what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew
Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 21, 2014 5:52:41 AM

Small Things That Suck Big Time
01. Mondays.
02. Opening a pack of Starburst and getting all lemons.
03. Finding a great parking space but then realizing that you won’t fit.
04. Getting a gift from your grandma but finding out it’s a Nickelback CD.
05. Winning a radio contest and finding out it’s for Nickelback tickets.
06. When your monitor is broken on your flight and you forgot to bring a book.
07. Having to pee really bad when you’re stuck in traffic.
08. Waking up before your alarm goes off.
09. Getting an unexpected check followed by an unexpected bill.
10. When your taco shell breaks.
11. Taking a shower then having to poop.
12. Unexpectedly sitting on something wet.
13. Looking in the mirror and seeing a booger in your nose, not knowing how long it has been there.
14. Missing McDonald’s breakfast menu by five minutes.
15. A car alarm repeatedly going on off in the middle of the night.
16. Forgetting that you put a frozen pizza in the oven.
17. Biting into a grainy apple.
18. When your Netflix freezes.
19. When HBO GO crashes.
20. Getting crop-dusted at Target.
21. When you go to the beach and sand gets into your bag of Doritos.
22. Tripping on your shoelaces that you checked TWICE.
23. Forgetting your phone at home.
24. Rushing to order at a restaurant and getting the chicken carbonara.
25. Seeing your ex open a successful cupcake bakery.
26. Getting a piece of popcorn stuck in your teeth that won’t come out no matter what you do.
27. Waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park, only to get to the front exactly when it gets closed for maintenance.
28. Hangnails.
29. Getting lemon juice on a cut you didn’t know you had.
30. Getting a pebble in your shoe.
31. Realizing your DVR didn’t record the newest Game of Thrones.
32. Buying something then seeing it on sale the next week.
33. Washing your car then seeing storm clouds roll in.
34. Finding another gray hair.
35. Getting a friend request from your mom on Facebook.
36. Asking for a medium rare steak and getting it well done.
37. Somehow hearing Los Del Rio’s “Macarena,” then having it stuck in your head all day.
38. Pushing the fourth floor button on an elevator and then watching someone hit both buttons for floors TWO AND THREE.
39. Shaking hands with someone whom you just saw blow their nose.
40. Purposely trying to avoid seeing the score of a game you are recording, only to get a text from someone with it.
41. Peeling an unusually tough hardboiled egg.
42. Arriving to the airport early to find that your flight is delayed.
43. When your burger is too juicy and makes the bun fall apart.
44. Forgetting to cancel your three-months-free of Starz.
45. Forgetting to set your alarm Sunday night, and then being late for work Monday morning.

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Champion Author Missouri

Joined:Oct 2005
Message Posted: Jun 20, 2014 10:01:18 AM

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Enjoy this Last Day of Spring :o)
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 20, 2014 6:10:22 AM

Smart Old Lady
Two businessmen in new shopping mall… were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop…
As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.
”No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
“What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically,”We’re selling ass-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,“Must be doing well… Only two left.”
Biology Exam
Students in an advanced Biology class was taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.”
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang for the end of class he wrote:
7. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A
The List
A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, ‘Sorry but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years.
Your penis is burned out.
You only have 30 erections left in your penis’.
The man walks home, deeply depressed.
His wife is waiting for him at the front door and ” he tells her what the doc told him.
She says, ‘Oh no! Only 30 times!
We shouldn’t waste that!
We should make a list!’
He replies, ‘I already made a list on the way home, and I’m afraid your name isn’t on it
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 19, 2014 6:44:42 AM

The Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town.
From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family.
In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger... he was our storyteller.
He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future!
He took my family to the first major league ball game.
He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors.
Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.
He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex.
His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing..
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger.
Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family.
He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.
Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?....
We just call him 'TV.'
(Note: This should be required reading for every household!)
He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod "
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David H
Champion Author Albany

Joined:Aug 2004
Message Posted: Jun 18, 2014 10:03:29 AM

The owner of a health spa was looking over an invoice and was confused about some of the numbers, so he called his secretary in for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked.
His secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 18, 2014 6:08:39 AM

Fill in a Date and see the Results
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jun 17, 2014 3:59:25 PM

This is a fine example of the Newfie way with words.
George Murphy texts his wife,
"Just avin' one more pint wit da by's.
If I ain't back in 20 minutes, read dis message agin."
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 17, 2014 6:11:08 AM

Bath Night In Scotland
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there.
Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
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Champion Author Orange County

Joined:Oct 2001
Message Posted: Jun 16, 2014 8:35:55 AM

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Champion Author Indianapolis

Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Jun 16, 2014 8:25:37 AM

"Thoughts You Have When Its 4 O'Clock On Friday"

When you are retired, 4:00 and Friday are meaningless terms.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 16, 2014 5:55:54 AM

New Diving Team
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 14, 2014 5:48:34 AM

Family Tree Explained
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 13, 2014 8:51:25 AM

Thoughts You Have When Its 4 O'Clock On Friday
01. What? It’s barely 4 o’clock?!
02. The clock must be wrong. Let me check the computer.
03. Still 4. That must be wrong. Let me check my phone.
04. Still 4. Hell!
05. I’m, like, done with all my work.
06. It should be illegal to work till 5 p.m. on Fridays.
07. I wish we could just leave when we are done.
08. What am I doing after work?
09. Drink!
10. Where should I go for happy hour?
11. Most importantly, what will I drink?
12. Do I want to eat? Or should I just drink so I can get tipsy?
13. Let’s see what time is it now. 4:03…Really?!
14. I could have sworn I took 15 minutes thinking of alcohol.
15. I wonder what everyone else is doing…
16. Is it just me, or does everyone else seem to be productive.
17. Look at Tabatha, she is typing with purpose.
18. I’m hovering my mouse around with purpose. It actually looks kinda mediocre.
19. It’s 4:07… what to do, what to do?
20. I’m going to the restroom, let’s see how long that takes me.
21. What others are doing on my way there.
22. They say nothing, but I know they are lying to me.
23. They just want to make me feel better.
24. Whatever.
25. I don’t have to go to the restroom. I’ll chug water to make myself pee.
26. No, I’ll be to hydrated for happy hour.
27. 4:15! A few minutes of just walking around.
28. I wonder what my boss is doing?
29. Damn, she’s coming. I better look like I’m doing something.
30. Open up your email and type some fake, important email.
31. Dear, Farts-a-lot…
32. Okay, delete that.
33. How old am I?
34. Ugh, 4:20.
35. Let me refresh my Twitter feed for the 100, 000 time today.
36. Nothing new.
37. Let me refresh my Instagram for the 100, 000 time today.
38. Awww, a cute picture of my friend’s child.
39. I never want children. They are the devil’s seed.
40. 4:25. Let me go on Facebook now.
41. Why am I still friends with this person I haven’t talked to in years??
42. Oh, yeah. Haha, they make me feel better about myself.
43. I wonder if he is still with his baby mama?
44. Oh, would you look at that. He has a new girlfriend, with two children!
45. I should stop judging people. I’m better than that.
46. I should stop judging people. I’m better than that.
47. Facebook is the worst. That’s why I never post anything personal.
48. 4:37! Twenty-three minutes left!!!
49. Yesss!!!!
50. Let me send everyone a text reminding them that we are 23 minutes away from freedom.
51. Well, more 22 minutes by the time I send the text.
52. I should just type 21 and get ready to send it exactly at 4:39.
53. I’ll stare at the screen and frown so I can look important while I wait.
54. I got a DM! Who sends those anymore? I’ll check it late.
55. Okay! Sent!
56. I’ll just ignore the next minute and say that I have 20 minutes left. Fox / Via
57. I’ll probably leave like 5 minutes early, though.
58. No one will notice.
59. I’ll draw something on inspirational on the white board in the meantime.
60. Some Rebecca Black Lyrics and #TGIF.
61. That should inspire everyone.
62. Everyone will probably hate me on Monday morning.
63. I’ll write something else then.
64. I need to prepare my #TGIF Tweet.
65. 4:52.
66. Okay. Time to turn off everything and pack!
67. Haha, my computer is already off. Funny.
68. Would you look at that. My bag is all packed as well.
69. I don’t remember doing that.
70. Ugh, I have to wait for Becky.
71. I always have to wait for Becky!
72. Finally she is done!
73. K, bye, everyone! Have a good weekend! (5:05)

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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jun 12, 2014 9:06:47 AM

After living in the remote countryside of Newfoundland all his life, an old
man decided it was time to visit St. Johns .
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's running around with.'
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jun 11, 2014 5:30:42 PM

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again.."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when

he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer.

"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 11, 2014 6:05:54 AM

The Human Body Has Super Powers
01. The human heart, ripped from a chest cavity ala Indiana Jones can indeed continue to beat for a short period of time because it has it’s own electrical system and would continue to receive oxygen from the exposed air.
02. Stomach acid is so strong that your body grows an entirely new stomach lining every 3-4 days.
03. The human nose can recognize and remember 50,000 unique scents, which is still no where near as powerful as a dog’s.
04. You sneeze at the speed of 100 miles per hour or more.
05. You have 60,000 miles of blood vessels inside of you, which is enough to wrap around the Earth’s equator roughly two and half times.
06. Everyday your heart creates enough energy to drive a truck for 20 miles. In a lifetime, your heart creates enough energy to drive that truck to the moon and back.
07. On average a human sheds so much skin in a lifetime that by the time you turn 70, you’ll have removed an entire small human, 105 lbs, from yourself.
08. If you look into a clear night sky and can see Andromeda, it means your eyes are so sensitive and powerful that they’re picking up a small fuzzy blob of light that, as our closest neighboring galaxy, is 2.5 million light years away.
09. It’s possible to snore at 80 decibels which is equivalent to sleeping next to a pneumatic drill breaking up concrete. Noise levels over 85 decibels are considered hazardous to the human ear.
10. A person produces enough spit in a lifetime to fill two swimming pools, roughly 25,000 quarts.
11. You are made up of 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (that’s 7 octillion) atoms.
12. And every single one of those 7 octillion atoms is billions of years old.
13. Neurons fire at the speed of 150 miles per hour.
14. In addition to the five senses, you actually have an extra meta-sense called proprioception which combines your brain’s knowledge of what your muscles are doing with a feel for the size and shape of your body so you can know where the parts of your body are with respect to each other. It’s how you can close your eyes still touch your nose unerringly.
15. Your heartbeat changes and mimics the music you listen too.
16. Your brain, when awake, generates enough electricity to light a lightbulb.
17. Ounce for ounce, your bones are stronger than steel, since a bar of steel of comparable size would weigh four or five times as much. A cubic inch of bone can in principle bear a load of 19,000 lbs, roughly five standard pickup trucks.
18. And yet despite they fact that they’re stronger than steel, 31% of your bones are made of water.
19. If the human eye was a digital camera, it would have 576 megapixels. In comparison, the Mamiya DSLR was the highest megapixel count camera I could find at 80 megapixels, retailing at a whopping $34,000.
20. In addition, experts estimate that the human eye can distinguish 10 million different colors.
21. If uncoiled, the DNA in all the cells in your body would stretch 10 billion miles—from here to Pluto and back.
22. In a lifetime, your brain’s long-term memory can hold as many as 1 quadrillion (1 million billion) separate bits of information.
23. The human brain, specifically the prefrontal cortex which helps us with social skills and understanding other people, is still developing well into your 40’s.
24. During an average lifetime, the heart will pump nearly 1.5 million barrels of blood—enough to fill 200 train tank cars.
25. Your body makes 180 million red blood cells an hour.
26. While a normal pregnancy lasts nine months, the longest recorded pregnancy is 375 days, 12.5 months.
27. During pregnancy, if the mother suffers organ damage, the baby in the womb sends stem cells to repair the damaged organ.
28. It takes 200 muscles to take one step.
29. Researchers found 1,458 new species of bacteria in belly buttons.
30. Most astronauts become two inches taller in space.
31. 6 billion steps of DNA are contained in a single cell.
32. For every egg that’s impregnated, there’s 200-500 million sperm vying to pass on it’s DNA.
33. By the time you die, you’ll have spent a third of your life sleeping.
34. A study found that you can reset your brain’s sleep-wake clock (circadian rhythm) by shining a light on the back of your knee.
35. A person can survive for 2 months without food.
36. Your tongue isn’t the only place you have taste receptors, you also have them in your stomach, intestines, pancreas, lungs, anus, testicles and brain.
37. New physical connections are created between neurons in the brain every time you form a memory.
38. It’s scientifically proven that even a small dose of power changes how a person’s brain operates, usually by diminishing empathy.
39. You can survive without oxygen for 5-10 mins before your brain cells start to die.
40. Your brain is 60% fat.
41. The human brain will eat itself as a last ditch attempt to ward of starvation (aka in case of extreme dieting/malnutrition).
42. The vagina is self-cleaning.
43. Phobias may be memories passed down in genes from ancestors.
44. Your auto-programmed response to certain stimuli is called emotion.
45. Long-term memories create permanent lasting physical changes in the brain.
46. If you adjust your facial expression to reflect an emotion, you’ll actually begin to feel that emotion.
47. A human eye can only see a small fraction of your visual field at a time, so the eye performs 2-3 saccades (quick, automatic eye movements) per second to complete a single complete picture.
48. When you recollect a memory, it’s not the original memory, it’s creative reimagination that will often feature holes and completely new parts.
49. Your mind forgets information to protect itself from information overload and emotional hangovers which helps it to think more quickly and assimilate new information easier.
50. The mind can practice new tasks, such as learning a new piece of music during REM sleep. REM sleep also appears to boost performance with tasks involving procedural memory, or the subconscious “how-to” knowledge.
51. Society has a “canonical perspective” which means we all view certain things the same way. For example: when researchers asked people around the world to draw a coffee cup, almost everyone drew a coffee cup from a perspective slightly above the cup looking down and offset a little to the right or left, no one drew it looking straight down from above.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 10, 2014 6:11:44 AM

Thoughts Every Girl Has When Getting Ready
01. I should make a playlist for the shower.
02. Holy SHIT that’s hot water. Better turn that down.
03. OH HELL YES T-SWIFT! This is my jam.
04. Spotify commercials are the reason for the teardrops on my guitar.
05. Which shampoo should I use today?
06. My roommate’s shampoo looks cooler than mine. :(
07. I should put a chair in the shower when I’m shaving my legs.
08. Forget shaving my knees. Not even gonna try.
09. OUCH.
10. Is it humanly possible to shave without cutting myself?
11. Maybe I should buy shaving cream.
12. But it’s so expensive. Ugh.
13. I could probably buy a dress at Target instead.
14. I read in a magazine that I should keep my conditioner on for 1–2 minutes. How long is that even?
15. Has it been a minute yet?
16. Maybe I should try putting some conditioner on my cuts?
17. That didn’t help.
18. Ohhh there’s a lot of blood.
19. I should exfoliate my skin.
20. How does this even work?
21. UGH I DROPPED IT. Now I have to bend over and try not to get my hair wet.
22. Shit. Now I just have to wash it all out. I don’t think that was 2 minutes.
23. Ahhhh it feels soooo soft.
24. THIS IS MY JAM!! I can’t get out yet. I guess I’ll just wash my body again real quick.
26. Omg I only shaved one armpit.
27. I’ll just shave it at the sink later before I go.
28. I should put some lotion on.
29. Oh shit are my blinds open?!
31. My skin is sooo soft.
32. Woah, it’s kind of cold. I have goosebumps.
34. Ugh. Whatever. Still better than before.
35. I have no idea what to wear.
36. I should text my friends and see what they think.
37. In the meantime, I’ll just blow dry my hair! I’ll get that fresh blowout look.
38. Hair dressers are obviously magicians. WTF is my hair right now?
39. Looks like I might be wearing it up.
40. What’s the weather going to be like today? Can I wear a scarf?
41. Ugh, I have nothing to wear.
42. I should go shopping.
43. Maybe I’ll just look online for some inspiration real quick.
44. SHIT, I only have 30 minutes until I have to leave. I should try and straighten this hair monstrosity.
45. OMG OUCHHHHHHH. My straightener gets hot so fast.
46. Please don’t let that be a zit coming in.
47. Life is so unfair. I’m not even on my period! Why am I breaking out?
48. Good lord, I need to pluck my eyebrows.
50. Why am I crying?
51. I think I might’ve gone too thin. Ugh. I hope no one notices.
52. I seriously have nothing to wear.
53. I should wear my favorite black top. It always works.
55. Maybe it’s in the wash.
56. I mean, it’s not THAT dirty…
57. Smells fine. I’ll just spray it.
58. That was a lot of spray. I should run around real quick.
59. TGFF. (Thank god for foundation.)
60. What are these bags under my eyes? Like, I slept for 10 hours last night, body. Cooperate.
61. Maybe I should try a smoky eye look.
63. I look like I have a black eye.
64. I should just go natural today.
65. This is as good as it’s gonna get and it’s pretty damn good.

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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 8, 2014 5:32:20 AM

Replacing Your Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 7, 2014 6:12:53 AM

Fozzie Bear
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Jun 6, 2014 10:59:24 PM


that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over..
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 5, 2014 6:13:56 AM

Internet in real Time
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 3, 2014 5:37:56 AM

Are You Polish
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.
But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot.
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Jun 1, 2014 5:51:53 AM

Everyday Thoughts All Anxious People Have
01. Going to set TWO alarms for the morning just in case one doesn’t go off.
02. I locked the door. Right? Yes. I locked it. Wait, let me just check to make sure it’s locked.
03. Where are my keys? Did I leave them inside?
04. Holy shit… did I turn the coffee maker off?!
05. Yes, I did, but did I turn the hair straightener off too?!
06. House will burn down. Why didn’t I get the apartment insurance?
07. Mom didn’t pick up the phone. Maybe I should call the local hospitals…
08. What’s the weather gonna be like? I should have checked. Do I even have an umbrella in the car?
09. Did I put on deodorant?
10. There’s a cop. There’s a cop. There’s a cop. Holy shit. Slow down. Did they just turn the lights on?
11. Of course I’m late to work on the ONE DAY my boss gets in early. Now she’s glaring at me. Going to get fired.
12. Forgot to lock the car door.
13. Phew, it was locked. It’s locked, right? Let me check again.
14. Why are they whispering? Are they talking about me?
15. Boss just asked me to come into her office. FML. I was right. I’m getting fired.
16. Someone coughed, somewhere. Where’s my Emergen-C?
17. My throat hurts. There’s definitely a scratch. It’s definitely… wait, I’m just thirsty.
18. My stomach made a weird noise… is this what dying is?
19. My chair squeaked and it kind of sounded like a fart. Going to move the chair again so everyone knows it’s THE CHAIR and NOT ME.
20. Now it just sounds like I farted twice. Damnit.
21. Really need to pee, but am so pee shy right now. Been in this stall for wayyyy too long and people will think I’m pooping. Going to get up and go and come back in half an hour.
22. I brought my lunch, but everyone is going out to lunch. Should I eat my lunch? But then everyone will be going out without me…
23. Is that a gray hair?
24. Not a gray hair, but now I see a freckle that looks funny. Is it cancer?
25. When did I get this ketchup stain on my shirt? Wait, how long has it been there and how many people saw it?!
26. Why is that guy smiling at me? Do I have something weird in my teeth?
27. Why didn’t I bring gum? I’m such an idiot for not bringing gum.
28. Gah, no one laughed at that stupid joke I just made. WHY ME?
29. Do I want to go out tonight? I don’t know, do I?
30. Texted them 10 minutes ago, and nothing back yet. They hate me.
31. I’ll text them again. No, wait, then they’ll think I’m overly eager. Or maybe they didn’t like my emoticon? It was too soon to send the BIG smiley one.
32. They texted back, “OK.” (?!?!!?)
33. Can’t concentrate on anything until this person emails me back. EMAIL ME.
34. Haven’t heard back. Should I have started the email with “Dear” instead of “Hey”?
35. OK, thank the gods, they emailed. It feels like everything will be OK now.
36. Why hasn’t anyone faved the tweet I just posted? Should I delete it? Is it too late?
37. I need to find a job where I can work from home so I don’t have to deal with people.
38. Unknown number. Definitely not picking that up. Wait, maybe someone died.
39. Want to leave early, but everyone is still here and will judge me if I leave.
40. What if an earthquake happens while I’m stuck in this traffic?
41. Ahhh, hate coming home when it’s dark out. What if someone tries to mug me?
42. I’ll hold my keys in my hand so that if someone DOES try, I can key their face. Where are my fucking keys?!
43. Can my neighbors hear me watching TV? Are they judging my love of Real Housewives?
44. What was that noise? Is someone trying to break in?
45. It’s so dark when you turn all the lights off though, how will I know if someone’s even in here?
46. …like, what if ghosts are real, though? Is there one in my room right now? OK, now I’m freaking out.
47. Going to have to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep tonight. Better set THREE alarms this time.

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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: May 31, 2014 9:50:54 AM

Good one Hamish ! !
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: May 31, 2014 6:47:47 AM

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman".
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied "I'll take you up on that offer". She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it". He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds".
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented".
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance".
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defence, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honour" he said "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted".
The young lady's lawyer answered thus: "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted".
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages".
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: May 30, 2014 6:01:20 AM

Public Broadcasting System Documentaries
01. Ken Burns' Ken Burns (parts 1-25)
02. Accountants: Nature's Tax Experts
03. Forbidden Love: Churchill and FDR
04. Flesh Totems of the Pacific Islands
05. Objective Schmobjective: Inside the Documentary Grant Racket
06. History Made Fabulous: The Gay Revisionists
07. National Geographic: It Ain't Porn When They're Darkie Savages
08. Make-a Da Pizza!: A Fresh Look at Italian Stereotypes
09. Orthodontial Apathy: A British Scrapbook
10. You Say Potato, I Say Blight: The Sad, Skinny History of Ireland
11. Antiques Peep Show: Grannies Give It Up
12. Spooge: Mysterious Substance of Miracles
13. Those Adorable Pygmies
14. Silt!
15. The Hyena: Nature's Asshole
16. Bob Vila's Secret Closet
17. Brush With Insolvency: Behind the Scenes at the 1974 NPR Pledge Drive
18. Airing out the Past: The Story of Ancient Poop
19. Antarctica: The Boring Frontier
20. Everybody Dies, with Bill Moyers
21. The 100 Most Important Genitals In History
22. Bratwurst: Hitler's Favorite Sausage
23. Frontline: Media Navel Gazing… EXPOSED!
24. We Got The Nukes: US Imperialism Rocks
25. Sluts Cubed: Picasso's Porno
26. Teen Sex: Still Knockin' Boots After All These Years
27. Behind the Music: Gershwin's Ho's and Tricks
28. Boxers or Briefs: A Deconstructionist Examination and Portrait in Transient Light and Sound
29. Me So Desperate: The Mail-Order Brides of Silicon Valley
30. Amazon Feather Queen: The Secret, Sordid Life of Big Bird
31. Still Zoomin': Crack Babies at 14
32. Oh Captain, My Captain: Love Letters To A Kangaroo
33. Sexually Abused Celebrities III: More Exploitive Confessions
34. North vs. South: The Dakotas
35. Christ Killers II: Focus on Islam
36. Great Performances: The Three Tenors' Reggae Dub Beach Party Extravaganza
37. Ho Chi Minh City Limits
38. In Search Of The Historical Ronald McDonald
39. Life In A Drop Of Evian
40. The Secret, Mysterious Life of Zorgs
41. Pelvic Lobster Cults of Nova Scotia
42. Pee-pee Poo-Poo, Ka-Ka Ma-Ma: Sigmund Freud for Kids
43. Humidors of the Conquistadors
44. Cholesterol and the Constitution
45. America's War On Plaid
46. Sausages, Soup, and Submarines: Battle Alert in the Kitchen
47. American Experience: The Lost Art of Horsemilking
48. A Question of Genes: Inherited Ugliness
49. Forever 40: The Many Facelifts of Carol Channing
50. PHAT SLAX!: The Comprehensive History of Big Pants
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: May 29, 2014 5:48:45 AM

America Has Lots of Dumb Laws
America has lots of dumb laws.
But most people are pretty familiar with standard fare dumb laws like no butt-sex in vast swaths of the South or no liquor being sold on Sundays in rural America because it might offend Jesus. But there are a whole mess of other, more obscure dumb laws that you should know about. I mean, on the off chance that you end up rolling through Florida with a pig, or with a truck filled with dildos in Texas, you’re going to want to be informed here. And that’s why we bring you this, ten crazy American laws you won’t believe exist.
10. No Password Sharing – Tennessee
Yes, Tennessee has made it a crime to share your Netflix password, or any other password to, uh, Internet “entertainment” sites. Just be careful, you don’t want to be that guy who ends up in court, head bowed low, while Mr. Skin sits in the witness seat and explains to the jury how you and your boys wronged him. You can abuse him all you want in Kentucky, but Tennessee has higher standards than that.
09. No Posting Images Online That Cause Undue Emotional Distress – Tennessee
Who knew Tennessee was such a bastion of online decency? This law is of course completely nuts because it fails to understand that the Internet is a crazy place filled with crazy people, and there is someone out there who will claim a picture of an apple sent them into an emotional tailspin because it failed to come with a trigger warning. But even if you weed out all the crazies, you’re left with an overburdened court system dealing with bros getting bent out of shape because someone posted a picture of Goatse during a flame war, which is just sad. Then again, the thought of Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan arguing whether or not Goatse represents free speech almost makes this stupid law worth it. (Note: do not Google Image Search Goatse if you don’t know what I’m talking about. For the love of god, don’t do this.)
08. No Harassing Bigfoot – Washington
Basically, this law seems like it was crafted by the Washington legislature while they were getting stoned on a lazy Tuesday afternoon. “What if, like, Bigfoot was real? And what if, like, somebody tried to capture him or shoot him or something, dudes?” To hell with health care, this is some important shit. I’m guessing that they were all watching Harry and the Hendersons while they were getting baked and felt the need to take a stand. The funniest part is that this isn’t just a simple misdemeanor with a modest fine. No, this is a felony, meaning that you could end up doing hard time for harassing an imaginary creature. You’d probably get the gas chamber for taunting Cookie Monster.
07. No Simulated Bestiality in a Bar – Oklahoma
Oklahoma has a fairly standard law covering indecency in a bar. Basically, it holds the bar owner liable if his customers get too rowdy and start finger-banging on the dance floor. But for some insane reason, they felt the need to add bestiality to the list, which I’m guessing happened because some state senator saw some drunk college frat bro jokingly try to bang the mechanical bull at a bar while all his friends whooped it up, and decided, “No more!” After all, mechanical bulls are people too.
06. No Keeping Pregnant Pigs in Cages – Florida
This one gets extra points because it’s not just a law, it’s actually in the state Constitution. Florida, amirite? Yes, the Florida state Constitution has an amendment “limiting cruel and inhumane confinement of pigs during pregnancy.” Sure, you’ve got dudes roaming around eating bath salts and gnawing off faces, but goddammit, there are pregnant pigs who don’t have enough room to really luxuriate. You can see why this would be important. Then again, it’s Florida, so some poor idiot in the state legislature probably felt guilty after knocking up one of his pigs and decided to make sure she’d at least get to raise their bastard in comfort. These are Southern gentlemen after all.
05. Idiots Can’t Vote – New Mexico
According to the New Mexico state Constitution, everyone of legal age is entitled to vote accept for the usual riff-raff, like felons. But New Mexico decided to add a little more integrity to their elections by also disenfranchising insane people and idiots. Look, there’s an obvious joke here to be made about the Tea Party, but I’m above such things. I just want to know who decides who’s an idiot. Would Corky from Life Goes On be allowed to vote? George W. Bush? I mean, who makes this decision?
04. No Carrying Babies on the Running Boards of Cars – Oregon
This one seems oddly specific, which means that it was probably passed because some asshole actually did this. I’m guessing some poor overstressed couple had to pack up the ol’ Model T to go to Aunt Selma’s for Thanksgiving back in the day, realized they didn’t have room for both the baby and the turkey, and realized that they had a tough choice to make. Naturally, baby Jed ended up ghost-riding the whip while the precious turkey sat safely in the backseat. The law also makes it illegal to carry a baby on the hood or fender of your vehicle, so you probably shouldn’t get high and roll around town with your baby as a hood ornament, no matter how funny it may seem at the time.
03. No Owning Six or More Dildos – Texas
You knew Texas would probably show up here at some point, and naturally, it’s about dildos. I think the rationale here was that anyone owning that many dildos is a dildo salesman or something, which is also illegal in Texas for some idiotic reason. But what’s funny to me is picturing some old Texas rednecks sitting around the legislature arguing about the specific number. I mean, what made five dildos okay while six was apparently just one too many damn dildos? What if they are different types of dildos? Are vibrators considered different from dildos? What if a lady has a refrigerator drawer filled with cucumbers? Is a SWAT team going to kick in the doors after the local grocery clerk sends in an anonymous tip about bananas being sold in bulk to lonely ladies? You’ve opened a Pandora’s Box here, Texas.
02. No More Than Six Girls Can Live in a Residence – Maricopa County, Arizona
This law was passed in an effort to crack down on brothels, but in reality it’s basically declaring that the father of that nice Irish Catholic family that lives down the street is actually a pimp, and that all of those sorority houses are even more scandalous than in your wildest dreams. To be fair, the good people of Maricopa County have turned their attentions to rooting out houses filled with Mexicans in recent years, meaning that the county is probably filled with these houses of sin. I’m just saying, maybe the time has come for Sheriff Joe to show up on the news explaining what all those sorority girls are doing on his chain gangs. After all, the law’s the law, right?
01. No Seducing Unmarried Girls – Michigan
You can get up to five years in prison for seducing an unmarried girl, which means that every dude who lives in Michigan who’s married is technically a felon. That’s what makes it so ridiculous. The wording takes a standard, old fashioned dumb “no premarital sex” law and turns it into an ambiguous law which basically makes it okay for any dude who smiles at a single lady on the street to get beaten down like Rodney King by the cops. This is why I only hit on married ladies. I just respect the law that much.
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Veteran Author Manitoba

Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: May 28, 2014 9:08:25 AM

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too. they were laughing so hard!
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Champion Author Ontario

Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: May 28, 2014 5:47:48 AM

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