Not Logged In Log In   Sign Up   Points Leaders
Follow Us    5:27 AM

Message Forum - Read Message

Category: Off Topic > Topics Add to favorite topics   Post new topicPost New Topic
Author Topic: Laugh of the day Back to Topics
yourgas
Champion Author
Ontario

Posts:10,355
Points:1,891,860
Joined:Jan 2003
Message Posted: Jun 6, 2003 1:02:48 AM

Submit your story or joke of the day and give others a 'laugh of the day'

[Edited by: TB at 8/3/2005 1:23:29 PM EST]
REPLIES (newest first) Post a Reply
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 27, 2015 5:33:26 AM

Thx 4 all the good laffs.
.
.
March 27 is … National “Joe” Day More Info on National “Joe” Day
.
.
We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 26, 2015 11:32:22 PM

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was 'DON'T! '

'Don't what ?' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! '
' No Way ! '
'Yes way! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit! ' said God. 'Why? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering
why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children
having an apple break and He was ticked!
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked. 'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too! '
'DID NOT! '

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 26, 2015 10:19:40 PM

Diplomacy is the art of telling
people to go to hell in such a
way they ask for directions.
jdhelm
Champion Author Iowa

Posts:17,635
Points:1,997,515
Joined:Dec 2009
Message Posted: Mar 26, 2015 12:34:46 PM

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
jdhelm
Champion Author Iowa

Posts:17,635
Points:1,997,515
Joined:Dec 2009
Message Posted: Mar 26, 2015 12:31:48 PM

Personalities, a view from inside the eggshell, as revealed by their answers to an age-old dilemma: Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 25, 2015 11:38:46 PM

A good speech should be like a
women's skirt; long enough to
cover the subject and short
enough to create interest.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 25, 2015 6:04:59 AM

March 25 is … Pecan Day and Waffle Day
Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:24,550
Points:2,157,000
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Mar 24, 2015 11:02:37 AM

Ss
Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:24,550
Points:2,157,000
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Mar 24, 2015 11:02:27 AM

Ss
Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:24,550
Points:2,157,000
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Mar 24, 2015 11:02:20 AM

Ss
Suzysnowflake
Champion Author New Jersey

Posts:24,550
Points:2,157,000
Joined:Aug 2009
Message Posted: Mar 24, 2015 11:02:11 AM

Ss
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 24, 2015 5:39:06 AM



Are you smarter than a Cat?
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 24, 2015 12:35:52 AM

Where there's a will, I
want to be in it.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 22, 2015 5:46:17 AM

Truths That Make You Stronger
.
.
Life is not easy. —“ Hard work makes people lucky —“ it’s the stuff that brings dreams to reality. So start every morning ready to run farther than you did yesterday and fight harder than you ever have before.
.
You will fail sometimes. —“ The faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. So get out there and do something! Either you succeed or you learn a vital lesson.
.
Right now, there’s a lot you don’t know. —“ The day you stop learning is the day you stop living. Embrace new information, think about it and use it to advance yourself.
.
There may not be a tomorrow. —“ Not for everyone. Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today. This is sad but true. So spend your time wisely today and pause long enough to appreciate it.
.
There’s a lot you can’t control. —“ Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control.
.
Information is not true knowledge. —“ Knowledge comes from experience. You can discuss a task a hundred times, but these discussions will only give you a philosophical understanding. You must experience a task firsthand to truly know it.
.
You can’t be successful without providing value. —“ Don’t waste your time trying to be successful, spend your time creating value. When you’re valuable to the world around you, you will be successful.
.
Someone else will always have more than you. —“ Whether it’s money, friends or magic beans that you’re collecting, there will always be someone who has more than you. But remember, it’s not how many you have, it’s how passionate you are about collecting them. It’s all about the journey.
.
You can’t change the past. —“ As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” You can’t change what happened, but you can change how you react to it.
.
The only person who can make you happy is you. —“ The root of your happiness comes from your relationship with yourself. Sure external entities can have fleeting effects on your mood, but in the long run nothing matters more than how you feel about who you are on the inside.
.
There will always be people who don’t like you. —“ You can’t be everything to everyone. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What others think and say about you isn’t all that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
.
You won’t always get what you want. —“ As Mick Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.” Look around. Appreciate the things you have right now. Many people aren’t so lucky.
.
In life, you get what you put in. —“ If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It really is this simple.
.
Good friends will come and go. —“ Most of your high school friends won’t be a part of your college life. Most of your college friends won’t be a part of your 20-something professional life. Most of your 20-something friends won’t be there when your spouse and you bring your second child into the world. But some friends will stick. And it’s these friends —“ the ones who transcend time with you —“ who matter.
.
Doing the same exact thing every day hinders self growth. —“ If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Growth happens when you change things —“ when you try new things —“ when you stretch beyond your comfort zone.
.
You will never feel 100% ready for something new. —“ Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means you won’t feel totally comfortable or ready for it.
WSpaceport
Champion Author California

Posts:16,747
Points:3,563,460
Joined:Mar 2005
Message Posted: Mar 21, 2015 5:57:14 PM

Information from a very wise man.

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: " When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.' "

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

[Edited by: WSpaceport at 3/21/2015 5:57:54 PM EST]
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 21, 2015 5:55:39 AM

Just How Big is Walmart?
.
.
01. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.
.
02. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
.
03. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
.
04. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
.
05. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer, and most can't speak English.
.
06. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.
.
07. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
.
08. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
.
09. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
.
11. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)
.
12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.
.
13. The value of product for Wal-Mart passing through the port of San Diego each year is a larger sum than 93% of ALL countries Gross National Product (GNP) and that is only ONE port one way. That’s how Wal-Mart gets it's stuff.
.
14. Of the 1.6 million employees, only 1.2% make a living above the poverty level.
.
15. Wal-Mart's head office is located and centralized in Bentonville. Due to this fact, there are more millionaires per square mile there than any place on earth.
.
16. The official U.S. Government position is that Wal-Mart's prices are no lower than anyone else's when compared to a typical families weekly purchases. That's the view of the statisticians at the Bureau Of Labor Statistics (BLS) responsible for calculating the Consumer Price Index (CPI).
.
17. 92% of everything Wal-Mart sells comes from China.
Another 4% comes from Chinese owned companies in the U.S. Or in 3rd world countries.
.
18. Wal-Mart and MOST large companies, take out life insurance on it’s employees, without their knowing. If an employee dies, ALL the insurance moneys go to the companies. Example - An employee making $18,000 per year, dies, and the company might make as much as $1 million. Most often these moneys, coming from what is commonly referred to as "Dead Peasant Life Insurance Policies", is paid out to executives as bonuses.
(a common practice, unknown by the average consumer).
.
19. Wal-Mart now averages a "profit" (not sales) of $36 billion per year.
.
20. If we closed all the Wal-Mart stores would China go bankrupt?


Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 20, 2015 5:37:11 AM

March 20 is … Proposal Day and Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day
.
.
A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race start?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered, "It is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 19, 2015 5:08:29 AM

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 17, 2015 5:48:13 AM

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 16, 2015 5:19:46 AM



What is your Birthday song?
Trucky3212
Champion Author Missouri

Posts:2,020
Points:519,550
Joined:Jun 2008
Message Posted: Mar 15, 2015 9:21:55 AM

You're killin' me Hamish....
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 13, 2015 5:41:34 AM

Donna: ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.''
Sandy: ''Well, I'll tell you.
He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car .... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner ... A marvellous dinner .. Lobster,champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!''
Donna: ''Goodness gracious!... So are you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''
Sandy: ''No, no, no ... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 11, 2015 5:34:55 AM

Paddy and Murphy
.
.
.
A priest was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the priest if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be kissed by a dozen women than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

=====

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your plane!"

=====

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

=====

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don’t you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"

=====

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

=====

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

=====

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

=====

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey!
There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

=====

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya idiot.
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 10, 2015 12:11:38 AM


THE BLONDE WINS ONE

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Saskatchewan rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 9, 2015 5:25:58 AM



The Attention Test
CookieAcct
Champion Author London

Posts:44,225
Points:3,989,055
Joined:May 2004
Message Posted: Mar 8, 2015 12:49:32 PM


The doctor draws two circles and says, “What do you see?” The guy says “Sex.” So the doctor draws trees, “What do you see?” The guy says “sex.” The doctor draws a car, owl. “Sex, sex, sex.”

The doctor says to him, “You are obsessed with sex.”

He replies, “Well, you’re the one drawing all the dirty pictures!“
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 7, 2015 5:28:50 AM

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 5, 2015 9:15:39 PM

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 5, 2015 5:51:42 AM

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
riverrising
Champion Author Missouri

Posts:4,627
Points:1,677,750
Joined:May 2008
Message Posted: Mar 3, 2015 8:39:57 PM

seen 10 of the least likable people I know in one day.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 3, 2015 5:53:23 AM



I am Canadian
David H
Champion Author Albany

Posts:17,971
Points:3,392,020
Joined:Aug 2004
Message Posted: Mar 2, 2015 10:51:30 AM



Chatting with her next-door neighbor, Amy said, "I feel really good today. I started the day with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum." "You gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to be handing out like that. What did your husband say?" her neighbor asked.

"He said, 'Thanks!'"
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Mar 2, 2015 5:45:18 AM

What If Friends Episodes Were Set in India
.
.
01. The one where Rachel’s mom called her seven hundred times in one night.
02. The one where Ross and Rachel got forcibly married by the MNS.
03. The one where Joey and Chandler didn’t find an apartment because they’re two non-vegetarian bachelors.
04. The one where Phoebe and Ursula get split up at a Kumbh Mela.
05. The one where Monica has a feud with Tarla Dalal.
06. The one where Joey gets his big break on Balika Vadhu.
07. The one where they find Joey’s Ichiban – Bindis For Men ad tape.
08. The one with Joey’s shaadi.com matches.
09. The one where Ross gets over-tanned just from stepping outside for two minutes.
10. The one where Chandler tries stand-up comedy.
11. The one where Chandler gets six FIRs filed against him for making jokes.
12. The one where Chandler has to issue an apology for his jokes.
13. The one where Rakhi Sawant says Chandler is her best friend.
14. The one in which Rachel joins the Aam Aadmi Party because mufflers are trendy.
15. The one where Pritam rips off “Smelly Cat.”
16. The one where Joey gets cast in MSG.
17. The one where Joey tries to legally change his name to Joey Tribbiani Insaan.
18. The one where Phoebe thinks her cat is possessed by Jaya Bachchan.
19. The one where Chandler tells Janice he’s moving to 15 Kerala Road, Kerala.
20. The one where Monica cornrows her hair for a vacation to Goa.
21. The one where Ross accidentally says “talaaq, talaaq, talaaq.”
22. The where Monica has a crush on Modi because he’s so swachh.
23. The one where Rachel gets on the plane because Ross couldn’t convince an autowala to go to the airport.
24. The one where Ross manages to stop her anyway because it was Air India and therefore delayed by thirty hours.
25. The one where everyone goes to NH7 Weekender.
26. The one where Gunther quits to work at CCD.
27. The one where Ross is laid off because the RSS has taken over all scientific institutions.
28. The one where Flipkart accidentally delivers a bar of soap to Chandler & Joey instead of the XBOX they ordered.
29. The one where Ross puts the sindoor on Rachel by mistake.
30. The one where Phoebe trends on Twitter for saying Pakistanis are hotter than Indians.
31. The one where Monica becomes the head chef of Shiv Sagar.
32. The one where Monica gets fired from Shiv Sagar for making Beef Bhaji.
33. The one where you actually can’t quite tell what’s happening because the word “beef” is censored throughout the episode.
34. The one where Rachel hooks up with Virat Kohli.
35. The one where Rachel makes half a palak paneer and half a kheer.
36. The one where they reminisce about all their past diwalis.
37. The one where Ugly Naked Guy gets arrested for public immodesty.
38. The one where they know that we know that they know that we know but most importantly, every aunty in a ten mile radius knows.
39. The one where Ross scores Malana cream.
40. The one where Chandler and Monica pretend not to live together because her parents are visiting.
41. The one where Aamir Khan finds “Days Of Our Lives” deeply disturbing and violent even though he’s never watched an episode.
42. The one with Ross’ destination wedding in Phuket.
43. The one where Monica fires her bai for not cleaning the vacuum cleaner.
44. The one where Joey eats an entire jar of ghee.
45. The one where Carol and Susan are arrested under Section 377.
46. The one where Ross and Monica take their routine to Nach Baliye.
47. The one where their routine is actually just the one step from Kaho Naa Pyaar Hai.
48. The one where a video of their routine goes viral on Scoop Whoop.
49. The one where Rachel runs into Manish Malhotra in the elevator at work.
50. The one where Miss Malini exposes Joey’s relationship with Rachel.
51. The one where Rachel sticks around and marries Barry because log kya kahenge.
52. The one where Ross never gets a divorce because log kya kahenge.
53. The one where Joey does engineering instead of acting because log kya kahenge.
54. The one where Monica goes into law instead of cooking because log kya kahenge.
55. The one where three men and three women don’t hang out lukha at a coffee shop all day everyday because log kya kahenge.
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Mar 1, 2015 12:35:08 PM

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended
I stopped in to visit my ageing friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're supposed to turn your clock back"
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 27, 2015 12:31:47 PM


internet went down & i had to spend time with my family

They seem like good people ! !
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 27, 2015 5:45:41 AM



Pick a year and play a song
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 26, 2015 9:45:39 PM

If Adam & Eve would have been chinese we would all be in heaven because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple !
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 26, 2015 5:28:56 AM

I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
Trucky3212
Champion Author Missouri

Posts:2,020
Points:519,550
Joined:Jun 2008
Message Posted: Feb 24, 2015 8:24:52 AM

You got a bag-of-em Hamish....
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 24, 2015 5:51:23 AM

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:18,142
Points:3,032,520
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Feb 23, 2015 10:51:23 PM

God Created Canada

On the sixth day, God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.
It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians??"

"Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the winters I'm going to give them!"
David H
Champion Author Albany

Posts:17,971
Points:3,392,020
Joined:Aug 2004
Message Posted: Feb 22, 2015 3:02:14 PM


Two bacteria walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Get out! We don't serve any bacteria in this bar."

The two bacteria replied, "Hey, but we work here. We're staph."
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 22, 2015 5:50:52 AM

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 20, 2015 5:49:09 AM

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:18,142
Points:3,032,520
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Feb 19, 2015 4:15:03 PM

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened, Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home, and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....

She never got your E-mail!"
ma-bell
All-Star Author Manitoba

Posts:589
Points:3,580,660
Joined:Jun 2002
Message Posted: Feb 18, 2015 9:07:13 AM

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 18, 2015 5:46:49 AM

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 17, 2015 5:19:47 AM

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 16, 2015 5:36:50 AM

What If Friends Episodes Were Set in Australia
.
.
.
01. The One Where They All Get Free Health Care
02. The One Where Monica Tries Goon
03. The One Where Joey Gets a Kangaroo
04. The One Where Ross Forgets His Sunscreen
05. The One With the Wombat
06. The One Where Rachel Forgets to Vote
07. The One Where Phoebe Goes to Bondi
08. The One When Chandler Goes to Bunnings
09. The One About AFL
10. The One Where Rachel and Ross Get Married in Canberra
11. The One With the Cricket Player
12. The One Where Everything Is Spiders
13. The One With the 30-Minute Time Difference
14. The One With the Huntsman
15. The One at Gloria Jeans
16. The One With the Big Banana
17. The One With the Drought
18. The One With the Rugby Players
19. The One Where Joey Gets Lost in the Bush
20. The One Where Joey and Chandler Go to Canberra
21. The One With the Shark
22. The One Where a Koala Pees on Monica
23. The One About Phoebe’s Day in Perth
24. The One With the Porn and Fireworks
25. The One Where Rachel Meets Hugh Jackman
26. The One Where Monica Kills a Cockroach
27. The One Where Monica Gets Stung by a Bluebottle
28. The One Where They Go on a Road Trip to Byron
29. The One Where They All Start Shredding for Stereo
30. The One Where They All Got Matching Southern Cross Tattoos
31. The One Where They All Learn the Nutbush
32. The One Where Ross Is Scared of Drop Bears
33. The One When Chandler Grew a Mullet
34. The One When Chandler Became Chazza
35. The One When Rachel Dates a Bogan
36. The One Where Ross Has a Gaytime
37. The One When Phoebe Gets a Commodore
38. The One on the Bridge
39. The One at the Rock
40. The One With the Countrylink Train
41. The One Where They All Go to Dubbo
42. The One Where Chandler Finds a Red Belly Black Snake
43. The One Where They All Played Goon of Fortue
44. The One With the Leadership Spill
45. The One When Monica Meets Guy Sebastian
46. The One With the Toilet Going the Other Way
47. The One Where Monica Tries to Watch Every Episode of “Neighbours”
48. The One Where Ross Goes on Deal or No Deal
49. The One With the Piss Up
50. The One Where They All Go to Sizzler
51. The One Where Rachel Drinks Omni
52. The One Where Chandler Is a Toolie
53. The One With the Maccas Run
54. The One With the 3am Kebabs
PnnyPnchr
Champion Author Toronto

Posts:18,142
Points:3,032,520
Joined:Dec 2002
Message Posted: Feb 15, 2015 11:43:04 AM

THE WITNESS :

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100 tip, in addition to the cab fare from the Toronto airport, the cabbie agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you!
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible!
HE paid for your Maple Leafs season tickets!
HE paid for your Argo season tickets!
HE paid for our cottage in the Muskoka’s!
HE paid for our speed boat!
HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!!!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold...

… and give him back the Leafs tickets!'

[Edited by: PnnyPnchr at 2/15/2015 11:45:04 AM EST]
Hamish
Champion Author Ontario

Posts:24,415
Points:2,456,730
Joined:May 2003
Message Posted: Feb 15, 2015 6:00:14 AM

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
Post a reply Back to Topics